My Life as of Right Now.

So I opened up my laptop and I wanted to write a blog about where my life is right now. I got great news tonight, I'm one of the top cashiers at my job :). This should've made me do nothing but boast but to be honest idk why but it put me in a bad mood. I was in the worst mood tonight I just couldn't get rid of this gray cloud hanging over my head. My face wouldn't change it was just a sucky night. I think I know what caused it though. On Tuesday night I took all my month of November paychecks and  I went shopping and by the end of the night I was left with 13 dollars but I got every single item of clothing that I wanted. This should have made me happy right? That's what I think too I mean it's just money and now I can look great everyday but idk I just cant stand to look at myself long because of spending that much. I'm the kind of girl that thinks when this kind of thing happens a guy should comfort her and tell her it's okay and just bring a little sunshine to the world. The only guy I can think of to do so is miles away and still not even showing if he'd want to be with me. Tonight I talked to him on IM for facebook and he pretty much couldn't be serious at all and all he wanted to talk about was poking me with something. I just wish sometime he could like grow up I mean he's older than me and I act more mature. Idk im just in a bad mood tonight.But anyways my life right now...passing sociology and legal studies apps even impressing my teachers maybe. Not eating regular meals with my work hours the way they are. Freezing outside, yeah today it snowed. My closet is packet with clothes. I've recently discovered that I love doing laundry and I have to fight mom to let me do it. I still love Pink. I probably will be getting like dollar gifts for people's Christmas this year even having a job. I still suck at saving money but this time I got to 441 so I'm getting better. I hope I'm able to provide more for my kids when I have some which one i've been wishing I had lately. It's starting to sink in that soon I will no longer be attending school. I think I'm getting sick so work tomorrow and Saturday should be fun anyways Happy Holidays love anyone who reads this including a special guy if he does xP

                                                                     ♥ Cassidy ♥

bebbbbbbbbso my best friend ashley has her phone off so i guess thats why she hasnt been texting me i was wonering why my phone isnt like going off nonstop like usual but ig now ik. so these girls from work mikalyla and michelle are starting to talk to me and its really weird but im always down for more friends so im rolin with it its just weird and makes me wonder what they want from me im not like them they drink like every night and unlike them i dont have a boyfriend. i could have a bf soon but like i said last night fingers crossed i dont know whats going to happen i just hope it happens. i seriusly doubt hes even thinking about it as much as i am im like obsessed with trying to figure out whats going to happen i just really wanna know like i said i want that crystal ball to look into the future and show how everything is going to turn out. the way it sounds is hes just living and not even worrying about when he gets back which is good unless it meanis im wasting my time thinking about it which is not wat im thinking at all just a little bit cuz i mean i could be he could think im a crazy person and be reading all my new blogs thinking wow its so stalkerish that she wont forget about me but on the other hand he could be thinking wow shes never gonna forget about me maybe i should give us another shot. idk i cant speculate it just sucks i wanna figure this out so bad its like a puzzle im stuck in the middle and i just cant find the piece that goes with the piece im holding right now ugrghhhh... :/ thanks for listening again... :)

Uncertain Thoughts..

As I told you last night my ex is coming back to Iowa in January and this is a great thing in my opinion. :) The only thing is it's causing me insomnia I cant stop wondering if or just what's going to happen and I missed a chance to talk to him tonight too I found out out an hr or a little less afterwards. :( He said I see your butt and of course this made me like wtf how could he lol but anyways so now I have all these wonders and the pathetic part is that I cant find anyone to talk to about how I feel about him besides my loyal companion, Pepper. He's a great listener and he does not judge or respond with rude remarks or ones that fill me with hope that I shouldn't have at all yet. I keep wondering will he ask me out when he comes back, is he thinking about me out there in Nc, Does he dream about me, Is he even thinking about this like me, does he even care about me or is it just all about his family, is he too afraid to say hes over me, will he even call when he gets back or just text, will he always be busy and never be free, does he even wanna see me or just basically his family and just wanna be friends. There's just endless questions and i keep wondering if they will be answered or not and just he'll mostly hang with his family. My mom is living in this fantasy and just thinks me and him are meant to be and it really doesnt help with my doubts because all she's doing is looking at the positive. He even told me when he visited Iowa last time that in order to get back together there wud have to be lots of talking and in the end sometimes talking leads to a negative decision which scares me :/. Sometimes I just wish I had a magic crystal ball to see how things will turn out. That might take the fun out of life but idk. I hope in the end it's all worth it I mean I can see him living with me and Shilo and us all living together in an apartment together but I just dont know if he can see that. I'm so insecure it's just sometimes I cant help it being in love has made me this way I mean last night I did nothing but watch videos of me and him and ones he didnt know I took and the one that really made me feel happy was one where I made it before he was coming over. I talked about how we were going to have sex when my mom and g left. Then I lit up everytime my phone went "boom boom boom boom boom boom boom you have a message" I got so happy and said thats him right now and it was about the ex :). He made me so happy I'm so happy I have video memories since I erased all pictures of him while trying to purge him from my life. If I could take that back I so would I was sitting in Patrick's room and that whole day g had been telling me how I had to let him go and the hardest part was erasing his pictures I had so many of us that made us look so happy but I did it even tho it hurt. Then I went to the videos and I just couldn't do it. I didnt know why I just cudnt. I guess even when all signs say go right sometimes I still go left. I love him so much and my fingers are so crossed that we end up back together and I'll keep this updated,,,,ill prolly post again like tomorrow night unless I get home late from work because I really dont see this wondering thing going away lol but he prolly wont reply on FB i just appreciate that he even said anything. :)

                                                                              ♥ Cassidy ♥

The Day After Thanksgiving!

So I woke up Thanksgiving thinking about how the day was going to be okay and lame and suckish all day, but still I spread good cheer sent out "Happy Thinksgiving"s to all my good friends and talking lots to my bffs. My future and life got changed at exactly 1:39 am the day after Thanksgiving. My ex called me and he has changed his perspective on life he's coming back to Iowa on January 1st coincidentally the day I head back to Iowa from my vacation. This has made me change my whole perspective on things. I don't have to go to him after high school hes gonna be here with me and our relationship or lack there of, is going to be decided here. :) I don't believe I've ever been so excited for the future to get here! I want us to get back together so badly but if he doesn't feel the same as he told me on FB not even a month ago, then I'm putting my whole heart out there and either getting everything I feel in return or just passing out in failure. I watched One Tree Hill today and I heard an amazing quote on there that I felt totally connected me and him together just as I've found certain songs to like "always be my baby" or "the hardest thing" The quote was simple, but like I said so true. "If you find someone out there to give your heart to you're lucky and when you're the luckiest you also find that person will return in giving their heart to you too"I feel like me and him did give our hearts to each other and idk how he feels but I never got mine back because it still belongs to him. If I'm putting my heart out there and he's not it's going to hurt like hell, but you will never find love if you don't put your heart out there to feel love. I feel like with him coming back to town, I get to try all over again. He told me he didn't want long distance but now he's gonna be back and if he has any other excuses I'll know he's just not into me anymore but at least I'll know. My mom thinks it won't be long and we will be back together but my faith is like the wind tonight. It's going this way it's going that way and it just can't settle on one position. The love I feel for him has been there ever since he moved to North Carolina and hasn't wavered once. The heartache never went away, the would've, could've, should've's remained and now I just can't wait to see if anything happens. I just had to make a blog post about how happy I am..the sun came out when he told me the news and I just didn't get on the computer till now.The only thing for sure is that when he comes back I can't make the first move I might ask questions like I did when he was back last time, but if we get back together it'll be him doing the asking ;) That's all for now checkback for heartache or happiness only the future will decide.. :)

                                                                                 ♥Cassidy♥

Its On...Again lol

So lots has happened and I'm very happy to say me and my ex are definitely not over yet and hopefully that yet isn't gonna be there. We decided that this summer I will go out to NC and possibly be staying if we decide that we are in fact going to be together. He says he's leaving like tomorrow so I guess it's back to same ole same ole boring place and no more wondering how he feels he feels like I feel we could be meant to be. This is amazing but I can't help but wonder what if he decides he doesn't wanna be with me and I waited 6 months to be rejected thats the sad part of all this but my fiend Ashley seems so think we're meant to be and she hasnt even met him yet so maybe I'm just doubting myself and I should stop because maybe he will take me back and somehow we will walk off into the sunset....he told me that he actually hasnt had sex since me can u believe it? I like was smiling so much when he told me that but I feel like if we were to have sex before he leaves that would just leave me wanting more and then realize after that he is gone and the best i will get for a while is maybe 5 texts from him then it'll go back to where he focuses on his life out there and doesn't want me just wants to work and enjoy his life. But then in June I will get on a plane that leads out there and I guess we will see. Days ago I have to admit this was all over I lost hope for us I was just a wounded puppy dog who lost her toy but when he told me that hes not totally over me that filled me with hope. Hope for the future hope for us just hope that we are not over and maybe we wont end. I look towards him being the love of my life ik its cliche but i believe it's true that he is. He came into my life unexpectedly and it just worked. Idk if he's afraid but I kinda feel he is I mean ik this trip was about another personal affair that had his full attention but the only time he hung out with me he caught me off guard and thats it thats the last time i go to see him this does make me think he's scared but maybe I'm not seeing something. Maybe he thinks I'm fragile or crazy or something and he's walking around on eggshells telling me he still likes me and he really dont but maybe he does maybe he loves me still and he couldn't get over me too. Idk i really enjoyed seeing him and talking to him and were permanantly friends on fb no more of that unfriending immature breakup stuff just occassionally checking out statuses and stuff but hopefully we'll be best friends forever and best friends make the best lovers haha just saying we made a great couple and i believe we can once again all we have to do is give it one more shot :) I'm ready this summer I hope he wants to too :) <3      
                     ♥ Cassidy ♥

He Don't Love Me....It's Really Over

I wrote a poem about me and Zach I hope you like it...or not


He came from out of no where
I didn’t expect him to care
One night in November
of my facebook friends list he did become a member
He said hey
I said whats up and asked about his day
He told me it wasnt great
I somehow couldn’t see that he wanted to date
Days went by he didn’t log in
I figured it just happened again
Another boy who showed interest
just wanted to talk at best
But then one day I logged in and he claimed i saw you today
I thought about it and then had the nerve to say
You looked weird your not what I expected
I think he felt disrespected
Still when he got a phone he gave me his number
I saw it and pretended to slumber
Then one day I remember that day I decided to stop being a bitch
I texted him and he texted back we texted the whole night showing me i was being a witch
A few weeks later we went on a date
To the movies but we were late 
The movie was good we watched it all the way through
Kids did kick our chairs this is true
After the movie in the car we went to his spot
the windows steamed so the car mustve gotten hot
I was taken but I wanted him that whole night
but still I never put up a fight
It was like 2 days 
Till I changed my faithful ways
We got together in his car on Valentine’s
Man do I reget those times 
Those times when I had him he was mine and I let him go 
When I think about those times I’m at an all-time low
Anyways we made out and I found one dental flaw
He had to pick up his dad so I made up a lie that was raw
I couldn’t get over liking him and we still texted
even though over cheating on my ex i fretted
It only took one more hang with Zach
to figure out I needed to end my faithfulness lack
He broke up me in February soon after my birthday
I was devastated I didn’t know what to say
I sent Zach away and he went to Logan
The following Monday this lead to a trojan
Having sex with Zach the first time was rushed but I needed it 
We cuddled in his car in the next few hours and our candle of romance was now lit
It took him a week or so but he finally asked me
He asked me if his girlfriend I would be..
He really showed me what love is
Crazy to think it all started with a kiss
We had crazy times in my room
All it did was help our relationship bloom
He surprised me when he picked me up
Especially since I can only pick up my pup
But there were times he went away
He went to Logan every weekend as he may
We fought about this quite a few times
Still it never opened my eyes
Thats not all we fought about which caused us strife
There was also a lot about me and my prior life
It ripped at our relationship
It was really bad we started to tip
Somehow we stayed afloat
but I knew deep down he still wanted to find a safety boat
Months flew by we were happy as can be
A breakup in our future I did not see
It was a dumb test I gave him
But with it our light went dim
We solved it but the crack still remained
For both of us it still rained
In June it was decided he was going on vacation
A week after he’d been there it turned to a staycation
He called and ended it 
And that’s the end the candle of us is no longer lit

Goin it Alone Now

Whats it feel like to have your whole world crashing down around you? It feels like tonight it feels a lot like tonight. Tonight I found out the person I trusted the most in the world I can't trust to have my back or even understand me or anything. I'm just done my mom and me were done at least I'm done telling her anything important. So my brother comes home and threatens me for telling my mom's husband about a possible drug dealing leading a threat for him getting kicked out. Well mom told Mike to back off and everything so I was like good and stayed to myself. But then after she went home I was in the kitchen and I overheard her make a phone call to the husband and she made Mike the victim! She also claimed that anything I tell him he will believe and she doesn't even have to talk to him because I tell him everything before she even has a chance to tell him. Wow this frustrated me but since I was spying I wasn't about to go all ape shit on her ass and then after she got the husband to say he'd call Mike and apologize for accusing him I was walking away and grabbed a water. Well then not even 3m later I heard her be like so yah Mike he's going to call and apologize and blah blah blah so I again went to go spy. In this convo she actually told Mike if he's gonna do anything to go back far enough in the woods so it cudnt be detected and pretty much not get caught by little miss tattle tale me. I'm so mad I've trusted her with everything, everything about pretty much all guys in my life prior to and before Zach and that's just really fucked up that she plays it like that. Well I hope she enjoys me while I'm here this shit is like done I'm not telling her anything secret I'm not telling her if I meet anyone she will be my goto for work and school and that is it. If I have any suspicions about Mike they will stay to myself. I just I can't even believe she would throw me under the bus like that apparently in her books we're only bffs when it suits her and when it doesn't anymore for the night then its like screw me and cover her ass. Well fuck that she can tell Mike, her husband, and whoever the hell else she wants to not to believe me I won't say shit to them or her. My business will stay mine and she can just go fuckin jump off a bridge for all I care Christmas can't come fast enough I need to get out of here this place sucks more than usual. I just have suspicions about pot smoking so I tell the truth and it makes me a tattle tale what the fuck ever senior year get over fast I'm done with this bullshit I'm ready to get away from my family who needs em anyways besides my sister she's usually on my side :). You know people say it's hard to go it alone I guess it's time to find out...but anyways thanks for listening whoevers out there more of my life drama next time on Cassidy's World Turns lol brothers suck sisters keep shining :)                                                                                                  ♥ Cassidy ♥