New Me

Wow I havent done this in forever but I have so many feelings I need to let them out. There have been soo many changes in my life since my last posts. I fell in love with a boy named Josh. We had a great relationship and it lasted a total of 3 months with happiness but the last 3 months it wasn't so fun cuz I faced something I had never faced before and handled it in the worst way possible. We made a son and I am currently 5 months and a half pregnant carrying him. I expect him to be the best joy in someones life and bring so much happiness but it will not be mine. I have decided to go for adoption and Josh disagrees this is why we have separated. We separated long before this though. I started pushing him away, fighting with him, being a total bitch out of all the hormones I had inside me. The sad thing is I believe we could've gone the distance had I not gotten pregnant. He still is going to fight for custody versus the adoption company but I hope and pray with all my might that they win. He is not ready for a child he's too immature himself and I dont want him raising our son. I dont mind how my son feels about me when he gets older as he will probably hate what I have done and how I did it but I feel it is what's best. My mom has 2 jobs now her husband works as much as he can and my brother works overnights I mean if I did keep him there would come a time when the thought enters "so who will watch my son cuz everyone else has responsibilities today" I just dont feel this is right and I will not let my son suffer through this. He's mine for 3 and a half more months and I need to do what is best for him within this range and doing so I need to find him a great family to raise him as their own and be their blessing each and every day. It's crazy but I never even feel him move inside me it's like he's there but unnoticed by me and maybe thats mean but I cant say I feel him when I do not. The only way I know hes there is I see him on a sonogram and I know that wow there is this little baby growing inside me and counting on me for 3 and a half more months and if I let him down his life will be very uncertain. It may be cold to give him up for adoption to some people but to me and my family it is the right choice and it's what I need to do for his sake. I'm not ready to be a mom and my mom always tells me when I start to have doubts that when the time is right i will conceive a child out of love and the whole pregnancy will be based off of love and awaiting the child's arrival to bless our world and make me a happy mommy but for now I'm just a teenager who got carried away because the fact is I'm not ready. I'm ready for the relationship of my life since I turned 18 not a family it's just not my time. My time will come to have a happy family and be a very happy person with a man I love but I truly don't want to and won't let it be with Josh. Up until he found out he was having a child he had no driver's license, no drive in life, and no G.E.D. He got his driver's license and he is working on getting a place with some girl who he knew for maybe a year and started dating like 30m after we broke up. It's just not the life I want for my child and I hope that a judge will see he's not the right man to raise our son, and his girlfriend/fiance if they already are that, is not the right mother figure for my son. He needs to be raised with a couple who is stable and can fully take care of my son the way he deserves. I always have dreams of me and Josh together and I wake up and I'm sad cuz this just isn't true but then I also must face why this isn't true because he didnt and doesnt deserve a young woman like me who is mature and ready for a strong commited relationship. He is a child who enjoys showing everyone how he can play on his phone, pretend to play guitar, make immature jokes, and after all that still try to call himself an adult. I need a man who is strong, stable, and knows how to treat a woman and a girlfriend. I do feel myself unable to start a relationship at this point being really unstable with my feelings I think I would just start fights and ruin it but I feel after the child is born and I move past this part of my life I will be ready to try and find that relationship but for now I will remain single, treasure friends, and eliminate all bad afflictions in my life to ensure my child finds a great place to be and I do also in the future which I now know cannot ever again be with Josh.

♥Cassidy♥