Halloween :P

I havent updated in a while and I thought I'd try this to get my feelings out. So here goes; im in a previous relationship again and were having a baby and we now live in NC. We dated for 5 months last year and I fell in love with him so deeply but he moved. I've mentioned him many times and I felt like I could get him back many times before. However I have gotten him back. It happened on October 3rd that we started dating again which was precisely 2 days after him and his ex ended. This was a quick whim where she said really mean things and they didnt have a great relationship at some points but they also did have good parts of their relationship. He texted me the night she broke up with him wanting to be split up for 2 weeks and I just immediately jumped on it. I took it as wow this is my next shot with him me and him will be back together I mean I was as crazy as asking him to come over that night! I totally took advantage of this break up. I'm one of those girls I hate it's like there was this relationship and I just jumped in there and took him for myself not even regarding her feelings. I hate those kind of girls idk how i could have become one and not even noticed! Tonight is All Hallows Eve and me and him will have been together for a month in three days but I was also informed tonight that if my intentions had not been towards getting him back he could have ended up right back where he so badly wanted to be as a few days following the breakup, she texted him. She stated she would change for him she wanted him back and the only thing or person standing in her way was me. I just feel like if I hadn't been there this would not be my life it could be hers and his which is how she felt also. She wanted him to come out when he wanted to and claims that she would come out after the holidays. Her not me and she couldve enjoyed this life with him as I do instead since I was a home wrecker litterally. Her and him lived together and dated for 9 months, went through a miscarriage, and most importantly were engaged to be married. He had to have made him happy otherwise she wouldntve wanted him back as she did and still probably does. All I feel that I've done is wrecked a 9 month relationship to go back to our 5 month which probably doesnt even come close to standing up to what we had. We had something really good but I guess I didnt realize all the time I was missing him his life was going on not with me just going on and all I could do was want him back. He had a life with her for 9 months that couldve been made into a year and then maybe 2 then maybe many more and these are thoughts that could have been true if I had not swept in and took over. I feel like I shouldve been the friend I claimed to be and instead of asking him over, encouraged him to pursue this other relationship he held so dearly. It's like a classic girl control move to want like 2 weeks apart and then be over it a few days later which I shud have tuned into and let him have time to himself. On that magical night that I created in my head he informed me that he and her were over and he was going to go to NC. My hopes instantly fell and I just replied that it was his go-to move when things go wrong and he responded by asking me along. This instantly drew me back to when we dated. He went on a vacation that turned to a staycation and ended us. I instantly saw this as a do-over and was completely on board just thinking again of ME! I mean ughhhh sometimes I can be so selfish it sucks. I never knew his ex and I still dont to this day I just know if she feels half the feelings I feel and have felt for him since the first time we dated she misses him every day and wonders hoow she couldve fixed anything that went wrong with their relationship. The relationship that I wrecked. I'm the happiest I've ever been when I'm with him I just cant help but feel as though I stole him and he wasn't mine to steal. I'm so happy but also so guilty because I now know it couldve been him and her instead of me. I mean if you think about it 5 months cant even think of standing up to 9. All in those 9 months he got to know her inside and out and completely feel in love with her to the point of moving in and even proposing. Me and him we enjoyed hanging out at my house or our spot in his car by my house or somewhere else and then he went home and I saw him the next day for some more. We were like a high school romance whereas him and her were a real life couple living together, trying to start a family together and just enjoying each other day and night. We are doing this now and its so perfect I just cant help but feel bad knowing it couldve been all hers. Were having a son in January the name is undecided but hoping all goes well and it dont hurt too bad all though it probably will xD I love him soooo much I want this to work so bad just sometimes I feel like I can't reach him like I want to. Like take the other day I was talking to him about a movie we were watching and he just was like gloomy through the whole thing. Then his brother comes home and he's all happy and leaving the room and like bumbling with joy. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not enough for him especially in terms of excitement since I'm really not exciting. I think parenthood will be scary and I hope all goes well but I just dont know how I'm going to be at being a mom I dont even remember how I act when I'm not on my period cuz thats all it feels like I'm having this whole time I've been pregnant. I just feel like in some ways i'm moody and grumpy and then other days im happy and laughing and having an awesome time....kinda like a basketcase. One thing that bothers be a whole lot about this whole ex thing is the ex thing not only has to do with his but also mine. Mine will always be a threat back home awaiting the brith of his child and I'm stuck biting my nails hoping all works out and he does not find us or our son. Our son will be ours but he also does have a sperm donor that will always be a concern if we ever went back home. He will never be the father to my son though just a sperm donor. I have so many feelings inside me this feels good to get out since I feel like I cant even turn to my mother anymore all she wants to hear is how happy me and my guy are and nothing negative. I feel like me and her used to be close before me and my ex dated it feels like ever since him we've been torn apart and nothing but. The only person I could actually turn to is not even a person and I miss him dearly hes my boo boo (black cocker spaniel named, Pepper). I turn to him whenever I have a problem and he cant tell me to shutup because he cant talk so hes a really good listener he's just not very good when I cry thats something my current guy is pretty good at tonight I just broke down crying and he was totally there to dry my tears and try to help me feel better which it actually did help a little. He claims he's completely over her and I shudnt feel like I was a homewrecker and if they had gotten back together it wouldnt have been for long but honestly who's to know? Would they be forever? Would they have been stronger from the breakup? Theres so many questions I want them answered but I also only want to be with him hes the best for me in my opinion and always will be. I got this moment in the truck earlier we had just gotten breakfast and the lady was a complete bitch or ladies were. I was just in its w.e. mode and then he just starts cracking all these jokes about her and calling the company and I'm like rolling in my chair. I thought to myself I need to stop doubting how he feels about me we have all these little moments that are so fun and perfect and thats what life is about with me and him all these little moments and all the little moments we will have with our son. I completely look forward to it I just need to quit doubting it and questioning it because of small down moments. She had her chance and this is our new shot which I am so grateful to have. You have to live for the moment and not for the past. Maybe I lived for the past that night but it got me to these great moments. We can live a great life together and I want to make it happen. I said all the times I missed him that he was my soulmate now is the time to make that happen if it fails then I was wrong but if we let it work and make it keep going we truly are soulmates and its meant to be but I need to put my best foot forward in order to make that happen. I need to just sit back and enjoy that Z+C is back together and is here to stay and make it this time. :) That would truly make me the Happiest Girl in the Whole World !! This definitely helped me feel a hell of a lot better and fills me with hope so anyone out there who reads this just root for me to find the happiness I'm going after because this time its going to last a lifetime with my soulmate, the man I love, and my husband Zach M. ha sorry last name confidential. But thanks for tuning in if youve lasted this whole post youve been a great listener and once again its felt great posting how I feel about everything in my life at this point. :) oh btw Happy Halloween !!

♥Cassidy♥