She's Pregant....Again.. :/

Ok well I guess maybe now me and Zach are through because she is pregnant. I dont want it to bother me but it does like a lot. I felt like it was gonna be me and him back together maybe next year but it turns out this next year he will be decorating a nursery up till May when they have a baby. I thought he was getting closer to me he started commenting on like all my Facebook posts and and liking them and I just guess I thought wrong cuz I was so convinced he would be mine again next year. Maybe that he was just slowly slipping away from her. I thought he would be Dallas's daddy and another one in a few years like we planned when we dated now I feel like it's all different. Theres no way that can happen when he made a baby with her now. I wish it didn't affect me I wish I believed that I'll just move on and find someone else and that we're not meant to be together but I can't I still feel that we are meant to be together and I dont know why now that he has all this other stuff a fiance a step son and another baby with her on the way. He is making a family so maybe it's just my heart and mind in conflict maybe thats why I cant shake the feelings. I know that I'm still totally and completely in love and not just with him with his whole family- with our whole life we were building and now its just all gone. There's nothing I can do to make it come back because this is her second time being pregnant since they got together and this time he stated that when she holds her breath he can see the baby move so this is no trap set by her this is the real deal they are having a baby...It just sucks because I am still in love with him he was my first relationship. Dallas's dad was my second but I've never gotten over him I never fell for his dad like I fell for Zach. There's so many memories too. Like we drove out to North Carolina to start our life together living with his brother and in December when he took me to the airport and sent me the sweetest message making me just want to turn around so I kind of did three days after I got back we arranged that I drive out with his brother and father for Christmas and then everything flew at us. Dallas was born and Zach finally got a job everything fell in place. I honestly think that when I decided things weren't working I was being selfish because I wanted his attention and he just wanted to give it to Dallas which at the time I didn't know was what should've happened I just didn't know that. I wish I'd known that because if I had maybe we'd be happy right now getting ready for Christmas with Dallas, not planning a pregnancy but still happy because Dallas would be ours. I threw everything away just to be right and before I knew it everything slipped out of my hands and I wish it hadn't happened but now it did. The thing is I dont think she loves him I think she needs him because he helps her with her son he helps with money and now theres a baby to solidify them and probably in this next year they will be getting married. It really hurts me that it has all turned out like this. He's appologized for everything but that doesnt fix any of it I just feel helpless and i feel like all I can do is say congratulations and fade into the background because I just cant support it, any of it I feel like I caused it all though so I cant object. Even if I did he thinks hes in love with her not me anymore so it wouldnt do anything. He's with this girl who doesnt fight with him and can have him be a family with her so there's no way me and him will ever be together again. I feel helpless and in love but maybe this just all is pointing me to my better future maybe God has another plan for me and Zach was a lesson I'm not sure but if so he was a very hurtful lesson because ever since I came home thats all it's been is hurt and the only thing in my life that makes it better and bearable is my son Dallas Lee. I love him so much sometimes I can't believe I kept him n feel like maybe I'm way in over my head but when he kisses me
and hugs me I know it's the right decision and I just have to have patience and get plenty of sleep to be gently and loving with him. He is the best gift God ever gave me and I thank him everyday that he keeps breathing. He is the light of my life and always will be along with any other children I have in the future. I used to feel like kinda I guess suicidal in a way but never really gonna do it. With Dallas I havent had any of those thoughts while being single. I'm guessing its because he is someone to live for and I know that so I'm glad I have him. Even though he does sleep in my bed and have some bad habits like pulling on eyes and noses and stuff I see that he's just exploring and I learn more everyday to love his flaws because he only develops more each day and I still find myself loving him at the end of every day. Love is infinite you can always make more when you need to so maybe I need to face that hes going to love this baby growing inside of her and I can grow to love a new man in the new year I just have to be open to it and not talk to Zach all that does is remind me of how much I still love him. Maybe its like a drug addiction. Maybe just go cold turkey and not take anymore of the drug and the addiction will go away. It did when I was with Dallas's dad. I was happy with him till I became pregnant and my hormones went crazy. I didn't think about Zach really and I enjoyed the relationship so maybe that's what I need to do maybe I need a relationship but first I know my priorities and my first is finding a job I am gung ho on that. I will not look for a man till I get a job. I'm excited again for work this time I will have a purpose. I wont be splurging and buying anything and everything I will be saving money and buying Dallas toys and food and diapers so long he's in those. I will be worn out but seeing his smile at the end of the day will make it all worth while. I'm also working on getting my license so I wont have to rely on others for rides to work just take myself. My mom don't want me to leave home with the economy how it is and maybe I'm starting to agree. I thought getting an apartment would be good and fun but if I dont have enough of a paying job it's just not going to happen. I'm very excited for Dallas's first year he'll go to the park and just be a lot more on the move! It's going to be a blast ! I thought Zach could be a part of it when he left her but now its not looking that way so maybe it'll just be me and Dallas but I'm ok with that for now we've been doing well on our own since May just mommy getting a little lonely but I figure part of that will fade when I get a job. I still don't like my step dad but I at least am tolerating him now it's my brother I hate he treats my mom like a maid and she complies so he does it again and again she wont listen when I tell her that if she doesnt comply he won't expect. I'm pretty much thinking maybe for Christmas buy her a maid outfit and write my brothers name on it but I'm sure it still wouldnt stop her from all that she does. I just wish it would because then maybe he could grow up and stop expecting her to do everything like putting a lid on his toothbrush or clean every single one of his protein shake cups and his blender now too. I just want everyone to be happy and that includes me so maybe by unfriending Zach on Facebook I wont stalk his page and I can get on with my life I know hes going to ask why I unfriended him but I honestly have a reason I feel like I stalk his page and the status he posted about being pregnant all it did last night was kept waking me up cuz it upset me so much and I dont want that. So I unfriended him and now I'll just get on with my life and he can get on with his with her and hopefully all will be okay.                                    ♥Cassidy♥

Life Now

Wow its been a while but I'm not in the best shape that I could be so I figured maybe typing everything out could help. My son Dallas is progressing well he can walk any day now he stands up by just about anything he can holding on. I'm so proud of him but I cant help but be sad about it too because it wasnt just going to be me it was going to be me and Zach raising him together as a couple but I messed everything up once again. I was happy very happy I guess I just wanted a break because idk maybe cuz I'm stupid but I felt like all he wanted was to be there for Dallas and not me anymore so I messed it up. He says I didnt do anything wrong but I feel it in my heart n soul that I did it. I just dont understand how to fix it or how to fix me. He has moved on hell he was gone a week after we broke up new family and all and his fiance now even wants to try to talk to me whenever I'm at his parents house. I know that sounds weird but even broken up his parents are like parents to me sometimes more often than my own parent I mean I dont have a dad anymore I actually felt like I never did with him being in the nursing home all the way back that I remember. Zach's dad tho I love him so much he makes me smile and laugh just like a dad should but I'm not surprised he has had practice with 3 kids n all lol. I think I can honestly say I love Zach's family I just fell for all of them because theyre so likable and easy to get along with. His brother and mom got me hooked on the all famous Duck Dynasty xD. Now theyre being kicked out for some reason and I'm gonna lose them and that includes Zach he informed me 2 days ago that he plans to enter the Navy as if they need more people. He just wants it for college but I swore that I would never be with someone in the military so there goes my plan to be meant to be with him. I really love him so much and I dont know when I will get over him I just wish it would happen soon all I find myself doing is searching Facebook for a status from him to be posted and I just feel pathetic knowing he doesnt get on often to post stuff because he is actually out there living. Recently I actually figured out that I have been relying on men my last 2 relationships so I've decided that I'm going to figure out my life alone before I start a new relationship for a while later probably too. If I could turn back time i wouldnt have given him up it's seriously like I handed him to her and it sucks but I cant change anything now because shes got her arms and legs wrapped so tightly around him it doesnt seem like he can breathe and if its that bad you wont leave the person. He's always been the kind of guy who wont leave a girl he will be left before leaving and its horrible but he will make himself stay as long as she wants him. Problem is she will never stop wanting him because she seems nothing but desperate to me and I can tell she knows she cant do better than him I just wish he was still mine he'll be like the one that got away now but I cant do anything besides have regret. Anyways on a lighter note I've tried involving Dallas's birth dad in his life idk if I said this before but he got married 2 months into a relationship so they are now both coming to see him whenever they can afford it or as often as they can. As it stands now he isnt seeing him often enough as when he's here Dallas wont really interact with him he whimpers when he picks him up and he really wont even pick Dallas up unless I make him. I just dont understand I mean everyone else in my life isnt afraid to pick him up when they enter the room and want him but his own dad seems afraid to and when he whimpers he wants to give him back feeling like he doesnt want him. Well news flash buddy he doesnt see you often he's not going to want you you have to try making him want you hes a baby he doesnt know what to want. He's literally seen him 3x since I let him in at 4 months with Dallas and he's now 10 months. I just hope he steps up and more than once a month or so because I told Zach I dont mind at all whenever he wants to see him he just has to tell me and we will set it up. I cant tell him no he was there at his birth he had him 2 hours before I even met him waking up from a c section. He cared for him as his dad for 5 months and still continues to ask if there's anything that we need whenever that we ask him. I would rely on his father the same but he lives in a different city so it is very different as Zach is right across town. I think it's hard for Zach that me and his parents are still so close but he has to recognize that by crossing our lives together when I was pregnant I grew very close to them and it created a strong bond. This bond will never go away and I actually like that I feel like we're friends and if I have a problem that they will always be able to help me if available. It just makes me sad that they may be moving to North Carolina that means if I wanna see them I'll have to fly out to see them but maybe some way they will find a way to stay then I can keep the closeness. They love Dallas like a grandson and I'm perfectly fine with that he loves them too theyve been there for him since birth and he absolutely lights up spending time with them I just wish it was the way it shouldve turned out with them actually being grandparents to him with me and Zach raising him. I'm sure sometimes Zach feels that too but also on some level he wouldnt still be with her if he wasnt happy with her so maybe he'd just want to be like a father to Dallas and a friend at most to me. Idk but I wish more now idk whats going to happen I thought since were still in each others lives that maybe we're meant to be but now idk how it would even work if we did wanna get together later on its like he wouldnt have a place to live with his parents so I just dont understand my life is a mess right now full of sadness and heartache but also happiness and gratefulness for my son so I go day to day hoping God finds me a will to live and he does so I thank him every day for my precious life he's given me and my son even if we're back with my parents at least were both alive and healthy and everyday I just strive to try and make both of our lives better. Maybe someday I can provide him a full time step dad also but till then doctors and family all tell me I'm doing great with him so thats all I can be happy about :)                                                                                       ♥Cassidy♥