Life Now

Wow its been a while but I'm not in the best shape that I could be so I figured maybe typing everything out could help. My son Dallas is progressing well he can walk any day now he stands up by just about anything he can holding on. I'm so proud of him but I cant help but be sad about it too because it wasnt just going to be me it was going to be me and Zach raising him together as a couple but I messed everything up once again. I was happy very happy I guess I just wanted a break because idk maybe cuz I'm stupid but I felt like all he wanted was to be there for Dallas and not me anymore so I messed it up. He says I didnt do anything wrong but I feel it in my heart n soul that I did it. I just dont understand how to fix it or how to fix me. He has moved on hell he was gone a week after we broke up new family and all and his fiance now even wants to try to talk to me whenever I'm at his parents house. I know that sounds weird but even broken up his parents are like parents to me sometimes more often than my own parent I mean I dont have a dad anymore I actually felt like I never did with him being in the nursing home all the way back that I remember. Zach's dad tho I love him so much he makes me smile and laugh just like a dad should but I'm not surprised he has had practice with 3 kids n all lol. I think I can honestly say I love Zach's family I just fell for all of them because theyre so likable and easy to get along with. His brother and mom got me hooked on the all famous Duck Dynasty xD. Now theyre being kicked out for some reason and I'm gonna lose them and that includes Zach he informed me 2 days ago that he plans to enter the Navy as if they need more people. He just wants it for college but I swore that I would never be with someone in the military so there goes my plan to be meant to be with him. I really love him so much and I dont know when I will get over him I just wish it would happen soon all I find myself doing is searching Facebook for a status from him to be posted and I just feel pathetic knowing he doesnt get on often to post stuff because he is actually out there living. Recently I actually figured out that I have been relying on men my last 2 relationships so I've decided that I'm going to figure out my life alone before I start a new relationship for a while later probably too. If I could turn back time i wouldnt have given him up it's seriously like I handed him to her and it sucks but I cant change anything now because shes got her arms and legs wrapped so tightly around him it doesnt seem like he can breathe and if its that bad you wont leave the person. He's always been the kind of guy who wont leave a girl he will be left before leaving and its horrible but he will make himself stay as long as she wants him. Problem is she will never stop wanting him because she seems nothing but desperate to me and I can tell she knows she cant do better than him I just wish he was still mine he'll be like the one that got away now but I cant do anything besides have regret. Anyways on a lighter note I've tried involving Dallas's birth dad in his life idk if I said this before but he got married 2 months into a relationship so they are now both coming to see him whenever they can afford it or as often as they can. As it stands now he isnt seeing him often enough as when he's here Dallas wont really interact with him he whimpers when he picks him up and he really wont even pick Dallas up unless I make him. I just dont understand I mean everyone else in my life isnt afraid to pick him up when they enter the room and want him but his own dad seems afraid to and when he whimpers he wants to give him back feeling like he doesnt want him. Well news flash buddy he doesnt see you often he's not going to want you you have to try making him want you hes a baby he doesnt know what to want. He's literally seen him 3x since I let him in at 4 months with Dallas and he's now 10 months. I just hope he steps up and more than once a month or so because I told Zach I dont mind at all whenever he wants to see him he just has to tell me and we will set it up. I cant tell him no he was there at his birth he had him 2 hours before I even met him waking up from a c section. He cared for him as his dad for 5 months and still continues to ask if there's anything that we need whenever that we ask him. I would rely on his father the same but he lives in a different city so it is very different as Zach is right across town. I think it's hard for Zach that me and his parents are still so close but he has to recognize that by crossing our lives together when I was pregnant I grew very close to them and it created a strong bond. This bond will never go away and I actually like that I feel like we're friends and if I have a problem that they will always be able to help me if available. It just makes me sad that they may be moving to North Carolina that means if I wanna see them I'll have to fly out to see them but maybe some way they will find a way to stay then I can keep the closeness. They love Dallas like a grandson and I'm perfectly fine with that he loves them too theyve been there for him since birth and he absolutely lights up spending time with them I just wish it was the way it shouldve turned out with them actually being grandparents to him with me and Zach raising him. I'm sure sometimes Zach feels that too but also on some level he wouldnt still be with her if he wasnt happy with her so maybe he'd just want to be like a father to Dallas and a friend at most to me. Idk but I wish more now idk whats going to happen I thought since were still in each others lives that maybe we're meant to be but now idk how it would even work if we did wanna get together later on its like he wouldnt have a place to live with his parents so I just dont understand my life is a mess right now full of sadness and heartache but also happiness and gratefulness for my son so I go day to day hoping God finds me a will to live and he does so I thank him every day for my precious life he's given me and my son even if we're back with my parents at least were both alive and healthy and everyday I just strive to try and make both of our lives better. Maybe someday I can provide him a full time step dad also but till then doctors and family all tell me I'm doing great with him so thats all I can be happy about :)                                                                                       ♥Cassidy♥