Ok well I guess maybe now me and Zach are through because she is pregnant. I dont want it to bother me but it does like a lot. I felt like it was gonna be me and him back together maybe next year but it turns out this next year he will be decorating a nursery up till May when they have a baby. I thought he was getting closer to me he started commenting on like all my Facebook posts and and liking them and I just guess I thought wrong cuz I was so convinced he would be mine again next year. Maybe that he was just slowly slipping away from her. I thought he would be Dallas's daddy and another one in a few years like we planned when we dated now I feel like it's all different. Theres no way that can happen when he made a baby with her now. I wish it didn't affect me I wish I believed that I'll just move on and find someone else and that we're not meant to be together but I can't I still feel that we are meant to be together and I dont know why now that he has all this other stuff a fiance a step son and another baby with her on the way. He is making a family so maybe it's just my heart and mind in conflict maybe thats why I cant shake the feelings. I know that I'm still totally and completely in love and not just with him with his whole family- with our whole life we were building and now its just all gone. There's nothing I can do to make it come back because this is her second time being pregnant since they got together and this time he stated that when she holds her breath he can see the baby move so this is no trap set by her this is the real deal they are having a baby...It just sucks because I am still in love with him he was my first relationship. Dallas's dad was my second but I've never gotten over him I never fell for his dad like I fell for Zach. There's so many memories too. Like we drove out to North Carolina to start our life together living with his brother and in December when he took me to the airport and sent me the sweetest message making me just want to turn around so I kind of did three days after I got back we arranged that I drive out with his brother and father for Christmas and then everything flew at us. Dallas was born and Zach finally got a job everything fell in place. I honestly think that when I decided things weren't working I was being selfish because I wanted his attention and he just wanted to give it to Dallas which at the time I didn't know was what should've happened I just didn't know that. I wish I'd known that because if I had maybe we'd be happy right now getting ready for Christmas with Dallas, not planning a pregnancy but still happy because Dallas would be ours. I threw everything away just to be right and before I knew it everything slipped out of my hands and I wish it hadn't happened but now it did. The thing is I dont think she loves him I think she needs him because he helps her with her son he helps with money and now theres a baby to solidify them and probably in this next year they will be getting married. It really hurts me that it has all turned out like this. He's appologized for everything but that doesnt fix any of it I just feel helpless and i feel like all I can do is say congratulations and fade into the background because I just cant support it, any of it I feel like I caused it all though so I cant object. Even if I did he thinks hes in love with her not me anymore so it wouldnt do anything. He's with this girl who doesnt fight with him and can have him be a family with her so there's no way me and him will ever be together again. I feel helpless and in love but maybe this just all is pointing me to my better future maybe God has another plan for me and Zach was a lesson I'm not sure but if so he was a very hurtful lesson because ever since I came home thats all it's been is hurt and the only thing in my life that makes it better and bearable is my son Dallas Lee. I love him so much sometimes I can't believe I kept him n feel like maybe I'm way in over my head but when he kisses me
and hugs me I know it's the right decision and I just have to have patience and get plenty of sleep to be gently and loving with him. He is the best gift God ever gave me and I thank him everyday that he keeps breathing. He is the light of my life and always will be along with any other children I have in the future. I used to feel like kinda I guess suicidal in a way but never really gonna do it. With Dallas I havent had any of those thoughts while being single. I'm guessing its because he is someone to live for and I know that so I'm glad I have him. Even though he does sleep in my bed and have some bad habits like pulling on eyes and noses and stuff I see that he's just exploring and I learn more everyday to love his flaws because he only develops more each day and I still find myself loving him at the end of every day. Love is infinite you can always make more when you need to so maybe I need to face that hes going to love this baby growing inside of her and I can grow to love a new man in the new year I just have to be open to it and not talk to Zach all that does is remind me of how much I still love him. Maybe its like a drug addiction. Maybe just go cold turkey and not take anymore of the drug and the addiction will go away. It did when I was with Dallas's dad. I was happy with him till I became pregnant and my hormones went crazy. I didn't think about Zach really and I enjoyed the relationship so maybe that's what I need to do maybe I need a relationship but first I know my priorities and my first is finding a job I am gung ho on that. I will not look for a man till I get a job. I'm excited again for work this time I will have a purpose. I wont be splurging and buying anything and everything I will be saving money and buying Dallas toys and food and diapers so long he's in those. I will be worn out but seeing his smile at the end of the day will make it all worth while. I'm also working on getting my license so I wont have to rely on others for rides to work just take myself. My mom don't want me to leave home with the economy how it is and maybe I'm starting to agree. I thought getting an apartment would be good and fun but if I dont have enough of a paying job it's just not going to happen. I'm very excited for Dallas's first year he'll go to the park and just be a lot more on the move! It's going to be a blast ! I thought Zach could be a part of it when he left her but now its not looking that way so maybe it'll just be me and Dallas but I'm ok with that for now we've been doing well on our own since May just mommy getting a little lonely but I figure part of that will fade when I get a job. I still don't like my step dad but I at least am tolerating him now it's my brother I hate he treats my mom like a maid and she complies so he does it again and again she wont listen when I tell her that if she doesnt comply he won't expect. I'm pretty much thinking maybe for Christmas buy her a maid outfit and write my brothers name on it but I'm sure it still wouldnt stop her from all that she does. I just wish it would because then maybe he could grow up and stop expecting her to do everything like putting a lid on his toothbrush or clean every single one of his protein shake cups and his blender now too. I just want everyone to be happy and that includes me so maybe by unfriending Zach on Facebook I wont stalk his page and I can get on with my life I know hes going to ask why I unfriended him but I honestly have a reason I feel like I stalk his page and the status he posted about being pregnant all it did last night was kept waking me up cuz it upset me so much and I dont want that. So I unfriended him and now I'll just get on with my life and he can get on with his with her and hopefully all will be okay. ♥Cassidy♥
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