Okay with Life!

Well its been a long time since I last posted because so much has changed! I mean Zach had his baby and he's happy as can be and him and Shellbie even got married! Dallas is also now 2! I know, I know, tear :'( lol nah hes doing so great! He's speaking sentences and hes really impressionable! He is also so fricken cute sometimes I look at him and I literally see the male version of me! Dallas has had quite the life already man but the worst part is his dad doesn't see him very often hes been dealt a pretty rough hand including myself filing for child support so he didn't pay and his license was taken lol. The thing that I hate is that Dallas dont really see him very often but yet he still gets to be his dad. When he does see him you can tell he trusts him more and more cuz he does remember him its just that he really dont see him other than every few months he says that will change here after this last visit but Im just sitting back and waiting for it so we'll see. I'm doing ok though I'm actually currently in a relationship of three months :). His name is Shawn and he makes me really happy and I'm completely in love with him and even at certain times I feel like I can compare him to that saying , "One day a person will enter your life and show you why it never worked with anyone else." There's just one thing that bothers me its like he says things such as "If you dont mess up and lose me," or "If we can make it last." Those kinds of sayings just make me wonder if it'll for real last. We just had a pretty good fourth of July together it was the first holiday we celebrated together. I tried a new drink with him called Not Your Father's RootBeer. I didnt eat enough beforehand so I had a massive hangover on the fifth but I think I learned my lesson. You may be saying how old is she? but dont worry I'm 21 and I didnt drink till I turned 21 I'm a rare one you find in society who actually follows the laws. You may recall that I said my life is okay it's because I'm not entirely excited about life. I still have no license and live with my mom and because of not having a license I only have a part time job as well. I know, I know, no one else can fix things but myself but idk what to do all I have to do is learn parallel parking and it seems no one is really available to teach me :/. Shawn showed me on the fourth how but I go by that phrase, "the only way you really learn is by doing it yourself." So there's that and I really hate living at my moms house... she does everything for my brother and please believe me on that! She cleans the bathroom, she does all his dishes, she makes his bed, does his laundry, and if she could she prolly would cook for him and shower for him! I just can't take it and it kinda feels like I'm sponging off them by living with them. I know my step dad is beyond ready to have the house to themselves. I just feel depressed a lot I'm really happy to have my boyfriend and my son just feel like I need more out of life... I do love my job tho I usually get really excited about projects and all and if I could I would just be happy being there the rest of my life but I think I'll need a 2nd job eventually. Only problem with the license I'm having is my permit expires next February as well and it's gonna come at me really fast. I almost want to just take the test and try to get my license  but I think without parallel parking I just am destined to fail. Since this is also a way to voice my feelings I'm very happy with my relationship but he has a son and that demands a lot of his attention as well which doesnt feel too good cuz when I was with Zach I saw him nearly every day but with Shawn it's like once a week sometimes two and he said thats part of why his other relationships didnt last either and I dont want us to end. I love him so much and I feel like maybe someday our lives could loop together I just know I'm not very patient. I hate that I don't really have a good friend to hang out with because mine moved to colorado with her husband in March. :/ I always just tell her I'm happy for her but I'd really love it if she came back again :/ Me and my mom's relationship has taken a turn for not there too much anymore since I broke up with Zach I know she loves him and I do too but as a friend.. I don't think I could ever be with him again even if Shellbie and him did break up eventually I just don't see him the same way anymore. He has this marriage with her that hes just controlling and she has to do what he says or she can't live there anymore or something. Also he's willing to still live with her even though theyve had tons of disgusting issues I won't mention on here cuz thats their business I just know I could never have what we had with the man he's become. Not to mention I have something with Shawn I would never want to lose I feel like he brings out something in me I've never seen before hes sexy, independent, so strong, and hes not very tame but I just love it all about him. The thing I dont understand is the women that have done him so wrong. I mean his sons mother turned him down when he was down on his knees begging her to stay and before that 2 yr relationship, he was with someone for a year and a half and for the end of that half, she was sleeping with his best friend who isnt even cute...I'm just so happy to have him in my life and Dallas if the rest of my life could improve things would get so much better for me but for now my life is okay but the good kind of okay basically... I think thats about it for now though thanks for listening whoever reads this if anyone :)  
                                                                                                                                ♥Cassidy♥

She's Pregant....Again.. :/

Ok well I guess maybe now me and Zach are through because she is pregnant. I dont want it to bother me but it does like a lot. I felt like it was gonna be me and him back together maybe next year but it turns out this next year he will be decorating a nursery up till May when they have a baby. I thought he was getting closer to me he started commenting on like all my Facebook posts and and liking them and I just guess I thought wrong cuz I was so convinced he would be mine again next year. Maybe that he was just slowly slipping away from her. I thought he would be Dallas's daddy and another one in a few years like we planned when we dated now I feel like it's all different. Theres no way that can happen when he made a baby with her now. I wish it didn't affect me I wish I believed that I'll just move on and find someone else and that we're not meant to be together but I can't I still feel that we are meant to be together and I dont know why now that he has all this other stuff a fiance a step son and another baby with her on the way. He is making a family so maybe it's just my heart and mind in conflict maybe thats why I cant shake the feelings. I know that I'm still totally and completely in love and not just with him with his whole family- with our whole life we were building and now its just all gone. There's nothing I can do to make it come back because this is her second time being pregnant since they got together and this time he stated that when she holds her breath he can see the baby move so this is no trap set by her this is the real deal they are having a baby...It just sucks because I am still in love with him he was my first relationship. Dallas's dad was my second but I've never gotten over him I never fell for his dad like I fell for Zach. There's so many memories too. Like we drove out to North Carolina to start our life together living with his brother and in December when he took me to the airport and sent me the sweetest message making me just want to turn around so I kind of did three days after I got back we arranged that I drive out with his brother and father for Christmas and then everything flew at us. Dallas was born and Zach finally got a job everything fell in place. I honestly think that when I decided things weren't working I was being selfish because I wanted his attention and he just wanted to give it to Dallas which at the time I didn't know was what should've happened I just didn't know that. I wish I'd known that because if I had maybe we'd be happy right now getting ready for Christmas with Dallas, not planning a pregnancy but still happy because Dallas would be ours. I threw everything away just to be right and before I knew it everything slipped out of my hands and I wish it hadn't happened but now it did. The thing is I dont think she loves him I think she needs him because he helps her with her son he helps with money and now theres a baby to solidify them and probably in this next year they will be getting married. It really hurts me that it has all turned out like this. He's appologized for everything but that doesnt fix any of it I just feel helpless and i feel like all I can do is say congratulations and fade into the background because I just cant support it, any of it I feel like I caused it all though so I cant object. Even if I did he thinks hes in love with her not me anymore so it wouldnt do anything. He's with this girl who doesnt fight with him and can have him be a family with her so there's no way me and him will ever be together again. I feel helpless and in love but maybe this just all is pointing me to my better future maybe God has another plan for me and Zach was a lesson I'm not sure but if so he was a very hurtful lesson because ever since I came home thats all it's been is hurt and the only thing in my life that makes it better and bearable is my son Dallas Lee. I love him so much sometimes I can't believe I kept him n feel like maybe I'm way in over my head but when he kisses me
and hugs me I know it's the right decision and I just have to have patience and get plenty of sleep to be gently and loving with him. He is the best gift God ever gave me and I thank him everyday that he keeps breathing. He is the light of my life and always will be along with any other children I have in the future. I used to feel like kinda I guess suicidal in a way but never really gonna do it. With Dallas I havent had any of those thoughts while being single. I'm guessing its because he is someone to live for and I know that so I'm glad I have him. Even though he does sleep in my bed and have some bad habits like pulling on eyes and noses and stuff I see that he's just exploring and I learn more everyday to love his flaws because he only develops more each day and I still find myself loving him at the end of every day. Love is infinite you can always make more when you need to so maybe I need to face that hes going to love this baby growing inside of her and I can grow to love a new man in the new year I just have to be open to it and not talk to Zach all that does is remind me of how much I still love him. Maybe its like a drug addiction. Maybe just go cold turkey and not take anymore of the drug and the addiction will go away. It did when I was with Dallas's dad. I was happy with him till I became pregnant and my hormones went crazy. I didn't think about Zach really and I enjoyed the relationship so maybe that's what I need to do maybe I need a relationship but first I know my priorities and my first is finding a job I am gung ho on that. I will not look for a man till I get a job. I'm excited again for work this time I will have a purpose. I wont be splurging and buying anything and everything I will be saving money and buying Dallas toys and food and diapers so long he's in those. I will be worn out but seeing his smile at the end of the day will make it all worth while. I'm also working on getting my license so I wont have to rely on others for rides to work just take myself. My mom don't want me to leave home with the economy how it is and maybe I'm starting to agree. I thought getting an apartment would be good and fun but if I dont have enough of a paying job it's just not going to happen. I'm very excited for Dallas's first year he'll go to the park and just be a lot more on the move! It's going to be a blast ! I thought Zach could be a part of it when he left her but now its not looking that way so maybe it'll just be me and Dallas but I'm ok with that for now we've been doing well on our own since May just mommy getting a little lonely but I figure part of that will fade when I get a job. I still don't like my step dad but I at least am tolerating him now it's my brother I hate he treats my mom like a maid and she complies so he does it again and again she wont listen when I tell her that if she doesnt comply he won't expect. I'm pretty much thinking maybe for Christmas buy her a maid outfit and write my brothers name on it but I'm sure it still wouldnt stop her from all that she does. I just wish it would because then maybe he could grow up and stop expecting her to do everything like putting a lid on his toothbrush or clean every single one of his protein shake cups and his blender now too. I just want everyone to be happy and that includes me so maybe by unfriending Zach on Facebook I wont stalk his page and I can get on with my life I know hes going to ask why I unfriended him but I honestly have a reason I feel like I stalk his page and the status he posted about being pregnant all it did last night was kept waking me up cuz it upset me so much and I dont want that. So I unfriended him and now I'll just get on with my life and he can get on with his with her and hopefully all will be okay.                                    ♥Cassidy♥

Life Now

Wow its been a while but I'm not in the best shape that I could be so I figured maybe typing everything out could help. My son Dallas is progressing well he can walk any day now he stands up by just about anything he can holding on. I'm so proud of him but I cant help but be sad about it too because it wasnt just going to be me it was going to be me and Zach raising him together as a couple but I messed everything up once again. I was happy very happy I guess I just wanted a break because idk maybe cuz I'm stupid but I felt like all he wanted was to be there for Dallas and not me anymore so I messed it up. He says I didnt do anything wrong but I feel it in my heart n soul that I did it. I just dont understand how to fix it or how to fix me. He has moved on hell he was gone a week after we broke up new family and all and his fiance now even wants to try to talk to me whenever I'm at his parents house. I know that sounds weird but even broken up his parents are like parents to me sometimes more often than my own parent I mean I dont have a dad anymore I actually felt like I never did with him being in the nursing home all the way back that I remember. Zach's dad tho I love him so much he makes me smile and laugh just like a dad should but I'm not surprised he has had practice with 3 kids n all lol. I think I can honestly say I love Zach's family I just fell for all of them because theyre so likable and easy to get along with. His brother and mom got me hooked on the all famous Duck Dynasty xD. Now theyre being kicked out for some reason and I'm gonna lose them and that includes Zach he informed me 2 days ago that he plans to enter the Navy as if they need more people. He just wants it for college but I swore that I would never be with someone in the military so there goes my plan to be meant to be with him. I really love him so much and I dont know when I will get over him I just wish it would happen soon all I find myself doing is searching Facebook for a status from him to be posted and I just feel pathetic knowing he doesnt get on often to post stuff because he is actually out there living. Recently I actually figured out that I have been relying on men my last 2 relationships so I've decided that I'm going to figure out my life alone before I start a new relationship for a while later probably too. If I could turn back time i wouldnt have given him up it's seriously like I handed him to her and it sucks but I cant change anything now because shes got her arms and legs wrapped so tightly around him it doesnt seem like he can breathe and if its that bad you wont leave the person. He's always been the kind of guy who wont leave a girl he will be left before leaving and its horrible but he will make himself stay as long as she wants him. Problem is she will never stop wanting him because she seems nothing but desperate to me and I can tell she knows she cant do better than him I just wish he was still mine he'll be like the one that got away now but I cant do anything besides have regret. Anyways on a lighter note I've tried involving Dallas's birth dad in his life idk if I said this before but he got married 2 months into a relationship so they are now both coming to see him whenever they can afford it or as often as they can. As it stands now he isnt seeing him often enough as when he's here Dallas wont really interact with him he whimpers when he picks him up and he really wont even pick Dallas up unless I make him. I just dont understand I mean everyone else in my life isnt afraid to pick him up when they enter the room and want him but his own dad seems afraid to and when he whimpers he wants to give him back feeling like he doesnt want him. Well news flash buddy he doesnt see you often he's not going to want you you have to try making him want you hes a baby he doesnt know what to want. He's literally seen him 3x since I let him in at 4 months with Dallas and he's now 10 months. I just hope he steps up and more than once a month or so because I told Zach I dont mind at all whenever he wants to see him he just has to tell me and we will set it up. I cant tell him no he was there at his birth he had him 2 hours before I even met him waking up from a c section. He cared for him as his dad for 5 months and still continues to ask if there's anything that we need whenever that we ask him. I would rely on his father the same but he lives in a different city so it is very different as Zach is right across town. I think it's hard for Zach that me and his parents are still so close but he has to recognize that by crossing our lives together when I was pregnant I grew very close to them and it created a strong bond. This bond will never go away and I actually like that I feel like we're friends and if I have a problem that they will always be able to help me if available. It just makes me sad that they may be moving to North Carolina that means if I wanna see them I'll have to fly out to see them but maybe some way they will find a way to stay then I can keep the closeness. They love Dallas like a grandson and I'm perfectly fine with that he loves them too theyve been there for him since birth and he absolutely lights up spending time with them I just wish it was the way it shouldve turned out with them actually being grandparents to him with me and Zach raising him. I'm sure sometimes Zach feels that too but also on some level he wouldnt still be with her if he wasnt happy with her so maybe he'd just want to be like a father to Dallas and a friend at most to me. Idk but I wish more now idk whats going to happen I thought since were still in each others lives that maybe we're meant to be but now idk how it would even work if we did wanna get together later on its like he wouldnt have a place to live with his parents so I just dont understand my life is a mess right now full of sadness and heartache but also happiness and gratefulness for my son so I go day to day hoping God finds me a will to live and he does so I thank him every day for my precious life he's given me and my son even if we're back with my parents at least were both alive and healthy and everyday I just strive to try and make both of our lives better. Maybe someday I can provide him a full time step dad also but till then doctors and family all tell me I'm doing great with him so thats all I can be happy about :)                                                                                       ♥Cassidy♥

Here's To Exes lol

Ok so its almost been a  month since me and Zach ended and I'm not over him still bleh :/. But someone else I've decided to bring back into my life is my son's father. He is very grateful and looks forward to meeting him and is currently engaged. This shouldn't bother me but it does idk I cant help but care but another part of me whenever he mentions if we got back to together feels like my stomach is turning every which way. Maybe I'm just supposed to stay single for now :/. I just really like being in a relationship. I felt like me and Zach had a great relationship with amazing times and got along so well but then I also think if everything was perfect cut n dry we wouldnt've fought all the time and we did we had a new fight practically every 2 weeks if not every week. I admit I ruined us in the beginning of moving to North Carolina mistakenly thinking that he was going to tell his sister in law everything about us that I did and just be judged or pulled aside by her blindsided and I hated when that happened. But I didn't trust our relationship enough to tell him that how I felt until the damage was done it was 3 months in we were pulled separate he was sleeping in the living room me in the bedroom as I was pregnant. When I finally opened up and told him it was fixed we started to interact again and put us back together. We were cemented after my son was born on January 7th we didnt have one single fight and visiting hours were 1 hr usually so it was just me him and the baby hes not the father but he played the role well and loved him as his own. Along with this came a job for him also though and with him not home during the day anymore me and the baby stayed in the room and this created a conflict among us with his sister in law with us not getting to know each other but me and Zach both were tired of how his sister in law treated a lot of things so it was just time to leave. I just thought coming back to Iowa would be perfect to make us a family all living together and everything but still the fights stayed and I have no idea why he also said he didnt know either. I now have to look back on that relationship as not meant to be and look towards the future it's just hard to see him happy he has a gf and is moved on and "I'm out in the cold" with me and Dallas. Maybe I will feel better when I have I bf I yearned for Zach for so long just for the relationship to fail it just sucks I wish it was the one I hate a broken heart and trying to put it back together I'm just glad I have my son he makes everyday a little more worth living :) <3 p="">

Halloween :P

I havent updated in a while and I thought I'd try this to get my feelings out. So here goes; im in a previous relationship again and were having a baby and we now live in NC. We dated for 5 months last year and I fell in love with him so deeply but he moved. I've mentioned him many times and I felt like I could get him back many times before. However I have gotten him back. It happened on October 3rd that we started dating again which was precisely 2 days after him and his ex ended. This was a quick whim where she said really mean things and they didnt have a great relationship at some points but they also did have good parts of their relationship. He texted me the night she broke up with him wanting to be split up for 2 weeks and I just immediately jumped on it. I took it as wow this is my next shot with him me and him will be back together I mean I was as crazy as asking him to come over that night! I totally took advantage of this break up. I'm one of those girls I hate it's like there was this relationship and I just jumped in there and took him for myself not even regarding her feelings. I hate those kind of girls idk how i could have become one and not even noticed! Tonight is All Hallows Eve and me and him will have been together for a month in three days but I was also informed tonight that if my intentions had not been towards getting him back he could have ended up right back where he so badly wanted to be as a few days following the breakup, she texted him. She stated she would change for him she wanted him back and the only thing or person standing in her way was me. I just feel like if I hadn't been there this would not be my life it could be hers and his which is how she felt also. She wanted him to come out when he wanted to and claims that she would come out after the holidays. Her not me and she couldve enjoyed this life with him as I do instead since I was a home wrecker litterally. Her and him lived together and dated for 9 months, went through a miscarriage, and most importantly were engaged to be married. He had to have made him happy otherwise she wouldntve wanted him back as she did and still probably does. All I feel that I've done is wrecked a 9 month relationship to go back to our 5 month which probably doesnt even come close to standing up to what we had. We had something really good but I guess I didnt realize all the time I was missing him his life was going on not with me just going on and all I could do was want him back. He had a life with her for 9 months that couldve been made into a year and then maybe 2 then maybe many more and these are thoughts that could have been true if I had not swept in and took over. I feel like I shouldve been the friend I claimed to be and instead of asking him over, encouraged him to pursue this other relationship he held so dearly. It's like a classic girl control move to want like 2 weeks apart and then be over it a few days later which I shud have tuned into and let him have time to himself. On that magical night that I created in my head he informed me that he and her were over and he was going to go to NC. My hopes instantly fell and I just replied that it was his go-to move when things go wrong and he responded by asking me along. This instantly drew me back to when we dated. He went on a vacation that turned to a staycation and ended us. I instantly saw this as a do-over and was completely on board just thinking again of ME! I mean ughhhh sometimes I can be so selfish it sucks. I never knew his ex and I still dont to this day I just know if she feels half the feelings I feel and have felt for him since the first time we dated she misses him every day and wonders hoow she couldve fixed anything that went wrong with their relationship. The relationship that I wrecked. I'm the happiest I've ever been when I'm with him I just cant help but feel as though I stole him and he wasn't mine to steal. I'm so happy but also so guilty because I now know it couldve been him and her instead of me. I mean if you think about it 5 months cant even think of standing up to 9. All in those 9 months he got to know her inside and out and completely feel in love with her to the point of moving in and even proposing. Me and him we enjoyed hanging out at my house or our spot in his car by my house or somewhere else and then he went home and I saw him the next day for some more. We were like a high school romance whereas him and her were a real life couple living together, trying to start a family together and just enjoying each other day and night. We are doing this now and its so perfect I just cant help but feel bad knowing it couldve been all hers. Were having a son in January the name is undecided but hoping all goes well and it dont hurt too bad all though it probably will xD I love him soooo much I want this to work so bad just sometimes I feel like I can't reach him like I want to. Like take the other day I was talking to him about a movie we were watching and he just was like gloomy through the whole thing. Then his brother comes home and he's all happy and leaving the room and like bumbling with joy. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not enough for him especially in terms of excitement since I'm really not exciting. I think parenthood will be scary and I hope all goes well but I just dont know how I'm going to be at being a mom I dont even remember how I act when I'm not on my period cuz thats all it feels like I'm having this whole time I've been pregnant. I just feel like in some ways i'm moody and grumpy and then other days im happy and laughing and having an awesome time....kinda like a basketcase. One thing that bothers be a whole lot about this whole ex thing is the ex thing not only has to do with his but also mine. Mine will always be a threat back home awaiting the brith of his child and I'm stuck biting my nails hoping all works out and he does not find us or our son. Our son will be ours but he also does have a sperm donor that will always be a concern if we ever went back home. He will never be the father to my son though just a sperm donor. I have so many feelings inside me this feels good to get out since I feel like I cant even turn to my mother anymore all she wants to hear is how happy me and my guy are and nothing negative. I feel like me and her used to be close before me and my ex dated it feels like ever since him we've been torn apart and nothing but. The only person I could actually turn to is not even a person and I miss him dearly hes my boo boo (black cocker spaniel named, Pepper). I turn to him whenever I have a problem and he cant tell me to shutup because he cant talk so hes a really good listener he's just not very good when I cry thats something my current guy is pretty good at tonight I just broke down crying and he was totally there to dry my tears and try to help me feel better which it actually did help a little. He claims he's completely over her and I shudnt feel like I was a homewrecker and if they had gotten back together it wouldnt have been for long but honestly who's to know? Would they be forever? Would they have been stronger from the breakup? Theres so many questions I want them answered but I also only want to be with him hes the best for me in my opinion and always will be. I got this moment in the truck earlier we had just gotten breakfast and the lady was a complete bitch or ladies were. I was just in its w.e. mode and then he just starts cracking all these jokes about her and calling the company and I'm like rolling in my chair. I thought to myself I need to stop doubting how he feels about me we have all these little moments that are so fun and perfect and thats what life is about with me and him all these little moments and all the little moments we will have with our son. I completely look forward to it I just need to quit doubting it and questioning it because of small down moments. She had her chance and this is our new shot which I am so grateful to have. You have to live for the moment and not for the past. Maybe I lived for the past that night but it got me to these great moments. We can live a great life together and I want to make it happen. I said all the times I missed him that he was my soulmate now is the time to make that happen if it fails then I was wrong but if we let it work and make it keep going we truly are soulmates and its meant to be but I need to put my best foot forward in order to make that happen. I need to just sit back and enjoy that Z+C is back together and is here to stay and make it this time. :) That would truly make me the Happiest Girl in the Whole World !! This definitely helped me feel a hell of a lot better and fills me with hope so anyone out there who reads this just root for me to find the happiness I'm going after because this time its going to last a lifetime with my soulmate, the man I love, and my husband Zach M. ha sorry last name confidential. But thanks for tuning in if youve lasted this whole post youve been a great listener and once again its felt great posting how I feel about everything in my life at this point. :) oh btw Happy Halloween !!

♥Cassidy♥

New Me

Wow I havent done this in forever but I have so many feelings I need to let them out. There have been soo many changes in my life since my last posts. I fell in love with a boy named Josh. We had a great relationship and it lasted a total of 3 months with happiness but the last 3 months it wasn't so fun cuz I faced something I had never faced before and handled it in the worst way possible. We made a son and I am currently 5 months and a half pregnant carrying him. I expect him to be the best joy in someones life and bring so much happiness but it will not be mine. I have decided to go for adoption and Josh disagrees this is why we have separated. We separated long before this though. I started pushing him away, fighting with him, being a total bitch out of all the hormones I had inside me. The sad thing is I believe we could've gone the distance had I not gotten pregnant. He still is going to fight for custody versus the adoption company but I hope and pray with all my might that they win. He is not ready for a child he's too immature himself and I dont want him raising our son. I dont mind how my son feels about me when he gets older as he will probably hate what I have done and how I did it but I feel it is what's best. My mom has 2 jobs now her husband works as much as he can and my brother works overnights I mean if I did keep him there would come a time when the thought enters "so who will watch my son cuz everyone else has responsibilities today" I just dont feel this is right and I will not let my son suffer through this. He's mine for 3 and a half more months and I need to do what is best for him within this range and doing so I need to find him a great family to raise him as their own and be their blessing each and every day. It's crazy but I never even feel him move inside me it's like he's there but unnoticed by me and maybe thats mean but I cant say I feel him when I do not. The only way I know hes there is I see him on a sonogram and I know that wow there is this little baby growing inside me and counting on me for 3 and a half more months and if I let him down his life will be very uncertain. It may be cold to give him up for adoption to some people but to me and my family it is the right choice and it's what I need to do for his sake. I'm not ready to be a mom and my mom always tells me when I start to have doubts that when the time is right i will conceive a child out of love and the whole pregnancy will be based off of love and awaiting the child's arrival to bless our world and make me a happy mommy but for now I'm just a teenager who got carried away because the fact is I'm not ready. I'm ready for the relationship of my life since I turned 18 not a family it's just not my time. My time will come to have a happy family and be a very happy person with a man I love but I truly don't want to and won't let it be with Josh. Up until he found out he was having a child he had no driver's license, no drive in life, and no G.E.D. He got his driver's license and he is working on getting a place with some girl who he knew for maybe a year and started dating like 30m after we broke up. It's just not the life I want for my child and I hope that a judge will see he's not the right man to raise our son, and his girlfriend/fiance if they already are that, is not the right mother figure for my son. He needs to be raised with a couple who is stable and can fully take care of my son the way he deserves. I always have dreams of me and Josh together and I wake up and I'm sad cuz this just isn't true but then I also must face why this isn't true because he didnt and doesnt deserve a young woman like me who is mature and ready for a strong commited relationship. He is a child who enjoys showing everyone how he can play on his phone, pretend to play guitar, make immature jokes, and after all that still try to call himself an adult. I need a man who is strong, stable, and knows how to treat a woman and a girlfriend. I do feel myself unable to start a relationship at this point being really unstable with my feelings I think I would just start fights and ruin it but I feel after the child is born and I move past this part of my life I will be ready to try and find that relationship but for now I will remain single, treasure friends, and eliminate all bad afflictions in my life to ensure my child finds a great place to be and I do also in the future which I now know cannot ever again be with Josh.

♥Cassidy♥

My Life as of Right Now.

So I opened up my laptop and I wanted to write a blog about where my life is right now. I got great news tonight, I'm one of the top cashiers at my job :). This should've made me do nothing but boast but to be honest idk why but it put me in a bad mood. I was in the worst mood tonight I just couldn't get rid of this gray cloud hanging over my head. My face wouldn't change it was just a sucky night. I think I know what caused it though. On Tuesday night I took all my month of November paychecks and  I went shopping and by the end of the night I was left with 13 dollars but I got every single item of clothing that I wanted. This should have made me happy right? That's what I think too I mean it's just money and now I can look great everyday but idk I just cant stand to look at myself long because of spending that much. I'm the kind of girl that thinks when this kind of thing happens a guy should comfort her and tell her it's okay and just bring a little sunshine to the world. The only guy I can think of to do so is miles away and still not even showing if he'd want to be with me. Tonight I talked to him on IM for facebook and he pretty much couldn't be serious at all and all he wanted to talk about was poking me with something. I just wish sometime he could like grow up I mean he's older than me and I act more mature. Idk im just in a bad mood tonight.But anyways my life right now...passing sociology and legal studies apps even impressing my teachers maybe. Not eating regular meals with my work hours the way they are. Freezing outside, yeah today it snowed. My closet is packet with clothes. I've recently discovered that I love doing laundry and I have to fight mom to let me do it. I still love Pink. I probably will be getting like dollar gifts for people's Christmas this year even having a job. I still suck at saving money but this time I got to 441 so I'm getting better. I hope I'm able to provide more for my kids when I have some which one i've been wishing I had lately. It's starting to sink in that soon I will no longer be attending school. I think I'm getting sick so work tomorrow and Saturday should be fun anyways Happy Holidays love anyone who reads this including a special guy if he does xP

                                                                     ♥ Cassidy ♥