As I told you last night my ex is coming back to Iowa in January and this is a great thing in my opinion. :) The only thing is it's causing me insomnia I cant stop wondering if or just what's going to happen and I missed a chance to talk to him tonight too I found out out an hr or a little less afterwards. :( He said I see your butt and of course this made me like wtf how could he lol but anyways so now I have all these wonders and the pathetic part is that I cant find anyone to talk to about how I feel about him besides my loyal companion, Pepper. He's a great listener and he does not judge or respond with rude remarks or ones that fill me with hope that I shouldn't have at all yet. I keep wondering will he ask me out when he comes back, is he thinking about me out there in Nc, Does he dream about me, Is he even thinking about this like me, does he even care about me or is it just all about his family, is he too afraid to say hes over me, will he even call when he gets back or just text, will he always be busy and never be free, does he even wanna see me or just basically his family and just wanna be friends. There's just endless questions and i keep wondering if they will be answered or not and just he'll mostly hang with his family. My mom is living in this fantasy and just thinks me and him are meant to be and it really doesnt help with my doubts because all she's doing is looking at the positive. He even told me when he visited Iowa last time that in order to get back together there wud have to be lots of talking and in the end sometimes talking leads to a negative decision which scares me :/. Sometimes I just wish I had a magic crystal ball to see how things will turn out. That might take the fun out of life but idk. I hope in the end it's all worth it I mean I can see him living with me and Shilo and us all living together in an apartment together but I just dont know if he can see that. I'm so insecure it's just sometimes I cant help it being in love has made me this way I mean last night I did nothing but watch videos of me and him and ones he didnt know I took and the one that really made me feel happy was one where I made it before he was coming over. I talked about how we were going to have sex when my mom and g left. Then I lit up everytime my phone went "boom boom boom boom boom boom boom you have a message" I got so happy and said thats him right now and it was about the ex :). He made me so happy I'm so happy I have video memories since I erased all pictures of him while trying to purge him from my life. If I could take that back I so would I was sitting in Patrick's room and that whole day g had been telling me how I had to let him go and the hardest part was erasing his pictures I had so many of us that made us look so happy but I did it even tho it hurt. Then I went to the videos and I just couldn't do it. I didnt know why I just cudnt. I guess even when all signs say go right sometimes I still go left. I love him so much and my fingers are so crossed that we end up back together and I'll keep this updated,,,,ill prolly post again like tomorrow night unless I get home late from work because I really dont see this wondering thing going away lol but he prolly wont reply on FB i just appreciate that he even said anything. :)
♥ Cassidy ♥
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