Shaking MAD!!

Ok so I needed to talk about this and no one's texting back so I decided to write it on here. It's 11 at night and my brother has his tv at the level of like fuckin 45 or something and wont shut his fucking door! I decided to let it go and then I wanted to go find Lou to put him in my room with me and surprise! he was in My brother's room. Well I decided to take this opportunity to politely say turn your fucking  tv down or shut your door so he tells me that the volume is at level 5. I go to check the volume and he's up fast than u can snap ur fingers with the eyes of Satan so I was like thats exactly what I thought turn ur fuckin tv down and he says no so I go towards the buttons and then he raises a fucking fist at me so I'm getting fuckin pissed and then I watch wwe and when they start a match its both hands used to get the upper hand so i went hand-to-hand against him three times and each time more agresssion im just fuckin pissed of as fuck like wtf why cant u just turn it down so then he fuckin tries to use his shoulders and against me i about fuckin climbed on that bed and took his ass down but i held tight and just used my feet for kicking and hands to grapple with him. So then I finally gave up and was like fuck this walked out closing the door and said go to bed. He opened it and said no. I went back and shut it again he got up and opened it this time i turned around and i got that doorknob and i held on tight and shut that fuckin door then he got it in his control so then i fuckin pulled as hard as i could and i won! :) this wasn't a victory all to me tho i held tight knowing he would come back thinking i gave up. When he came back I was ready and he didnt even move the door a cm so the hes like getting cocky and tries to use his fuckin muscles and shit and gets the door a little well my hands have gotten sweaty so im forced to release and he fuckin wins. He then puts his hands on the door holding it open so i rammed into him moving him off the door to get it slightly shut he then pulls it back open so this time i use my fuckin legs to kick him and make him release ahhh i got like prolly a centimeter from his dick so he's pissed he gets that look of satan on his face and lunges at me so then i say u wanna fuckin swing at me ill swing back i can take ya so then i push his ass off the door and he swiftly turns around to keep ahold of the door and i was fuckin winded so i was like fuck it u cant hold the door forever ill get it you little fucker and head back to my room. By the time I got back to my room my fuckin hands are shaking like crazy and im pissed as fuck. This scares me idk how the fuck I'm gonna be able to take this shit for another 9 months at least. I feel like I just wanna find a gun cock it put it to his heart and pop it! I'm just so fuckin pissed i feel like i wanna do that or have mike hit me really hard and then i can call the cops saying an adult hit me and bruised me. I'm just so pissed but my bff shilo just texted me so thanks for listening and being there for me to say shit 


                                                                                                                                      ♥Cassidy♥

Dumpage

So I dated Patrick again this time oooh ooh 3 days whooptidoodledingdong! He dumped me at 1:47 this morning he said "theres never a right time to say goodbye i will alwise love u" thats how he wrote it now if u look closely at those words you can see they've been classic songs at some point in time. I think it's lame he dumped me because I couldn't like stand up to my friend hannah for calling him shit but to be honest why i couldn't is because i knew that it was all true what she said. So back to the drawing board on my love life haha. Zach and me are also done in case ur wondering about that it had to do with nude pictures being sent its a big regret but u cant fix em all so I guess that's done at least for a while ;). I'd still wanna be with him cuz he's my boobear :P but if he don't hey thats his choice and like I said back to the drawing board. Hey I got a song for Patrick too since he gave me two songs haha ill give him the song "Another one Bites the Dust" :P I told Zach that I got dumped and all he could say was wow so idk maybe we are done I just hope not he's the best boyfriend I've had so far. I at some points of my life even see him as my soulmate. Crazy huh?! I'm a silly teenager who fell for her first love just didnt lose my virginity to him. The best sex we ever had was this one time in the dark and its said by some people if its not difficult to find someone or something in the dark then it's just meant to be so right now my love life is a sinking ship but who knows maybe I just havent found the buckets to scoop the water out and theyre yet to come I'll just have to see. So I'm really worried about this whole not being able to save money thing b/c if i dont get zach then I need an apartment here. Things suck at my house my brother annoys the fuck out of me and all I hear from mom is how well he's doing so if I could leave already I'd be on a plane and out there next paycheck b/c I think deep down what's making me and Zach have probs is distance it's not pictures, its not other guys or girls, its not even jealousy that his mom is out there its just me and him struggling to hold our breath in underwater distance and when that distance is broken. There'll be nothing holding us back from being together. I could be wrong but thats my view of things idk maybe he does just hate me and were done but to be honest i think all that needs to be done for fixing is breaking that distance because then see I dont think things bother us as much if were there to fix problems but with us having distance that makes it harder cuz we can't look in each other's eyes and know if they're sorry we cant hug them and feel if the passion is still there,  we cant kiss each other's lips and feel the electrictity that shows that we never wanna lose that person. All we have is words and when there's more than that that's when u really find out if its over or if its fixable :) Thanksgiving I get to see him again and I swear on my mom's life that I'm gonna do my best to grab ahold of us again when he's here and if not i'll let go and just be friends and start looking for apartments out here....


                                                                                                                                         ♥Cassidy♥

Bored Ha

So I'm just sitting here and bored so I thot I'd make a new post. Sooo I'm listening to my iPod player and its fun cuz my music is awesome ha. No one is texting me but I'm waiting to find out if I'm gonna hang with a friend they're cool and the eyes are adorable on the friend ha so it shud be cool as soon as they decide to text me. It really irritates me when someone asks if u wanna hang and then when ur ready to u just cant get ahold of them it just kinda ugs me its like wtf why ask me to hang if ur gonna do that shit ha! So school was cool i got a c on my science powerpoint over the Spinosaurus  and then in gov my teacher literally said shut up 3x so that was interesting I think it's close to impossible on pep rally day for kids to wanna learn in class rather than be at a pep rally even if it's still a period away. Economics was cool we watched 5 minutes of despicable me and then the announcements called for C wing (mine) so i prepared to something daring. Something so daring and dangerous it was like a death mission I looked right and I looked left and all I heard was chaos coming from both ends so then I dashed out the doors making sure to hide in the trees and then I did cartwheels across the street to Walgreen's...nah I didnt but how cool. wud it be if  i had i wouldve been like cat woman or something lolz. I'm a silly girl it's true but the only person my mission felt like a death mission to was me about every other kid at school can skip and not even look back. If u haven't figured it out I skipped the pep rally cuz idk call me crazy but I'm not mrs. school spirit so I dont really feel a need to go to a pep rally to see all the classmates dance around n shit itll prolly be on fb in a few days if its anything good anyways so its w.e. Wow that took 15 minutes ha Idk im lame not much to say I <3 ZLM ha idk what else to say so randomness haha.! Wait one thing thats really weird is i keep waking up in the morning and I can see zach like laying next to me and he's like good morning beautiful so i dont think thats normal and its kinda random so appropriate for this blog post haha! I love velveeta shells right now im like obsessed with them lolz! I only like pepperoni on pizza and I like thin crust! I only barf one time in the year annually! I wanna own a tan vehicle when I get older cuz why? cuz itll look sexy ha! I like to dance with my hobo! I'm so obsessed with The O.C. and Smallville that I'm gonna own all the seasons of both in sets! My head keeps randomly itching so I prolly need a shower.! My bff shilo just texted me.! I'm not having sex again till i get married.! btw these are random facts about myself ha I'm just listing randomness hahahaha ill keep goin..I love pink.! But who doesnt?! Ummmm I work at taco bell and hate eating taco bell! :) I don't like being single and I'm looking! I dance around my room listening to music every night with the door closed and I actually think I'm good ha.! I wanna cry when I think about Zach in NC because I believe he belongs here I just found him too late.! I love jujubes and I have them gone in like 2 days.! I have a suicidal best friend that I don't get to talk to anymore cuz they distance themself from evryone.! I was proposed to today as a joke but the last name actually went with my first name.! I have a papsmear set for Tuesday and I kinda don't wanna see the results cuz I've been wiping up.! I looked sexy as fuck yesterday.! :P I could use an ice cream cone right now.! I really want a boyfriend to hold me and kiss me and stuff I sometimes feel really lost without one.! I probably shudntve given a guy i just met 40 dollars to get his truck out of impound..! I make foolish choices and my bank account suffers from it.! I actually think I have a nice singing voice even tho it really sucks.! This blog post is prolly really done so it's time to end it.!
                                                                                                                             ♥Cassidy♥

SHOCKER!! Not!

So I talked to Zach tonight and that was great as long as it lasted he even gave me hmmm hang on let me count...3 smiley faces so thats good :). However talking to him was the high point of my night because the rest sucked. Whoever is reading this...never buy an HP Mini ive had to restore it to factory settings 3x since I've owned it and it hasnt even been a year!..I think next computer will be desktop if anything fuck dude im tired of losing all my cute pix i take of me it doesnt happen very often lmao.! Beyond Zach there's more to my love life than him or shall i say lack there of one because I've decided to close the book on that of mine until I can be with him unless he's taken. Which has actually become an option as of tonight i found out a girl has his number ha so I guess destiny will sort that out. Him giving a girl his number is great cuz it's what i want for him but also kind of embarrassing because before that I told him he's my soulmate so yahhh haha wish I would've known about the girl that kinda put myself out there more than I wanted to be....I believe he could be my soulmate but if god has another better plan for him that idk about i guess thats something well have to see about. I really wouldn't blame him if he found someone else because I've recently had a revelation and idk how he's gonna take it I mean he might not want me like he did before but I've recently decided after not having sex for 3 months or close to it since he left I like it and I'm gonna wait to have any sexual interaction until after I'm married. I just think it's for the best and if the right one can't wait till then that would make that person not the one for me. If there was one thing I could go back and change it would be to be a virgin and be proud of it. When I lost it I was silly and I had mixed ideas about masturbating where I wanted something bigger and what I really did is just throw my life into a slutty spirally mess and it just didn't help me having a relationship when it came time to at all. Anyways idk if u noticed the title but if u watched big brother this season ude know that's the very monstrous girl Danielle's saying and she got a huge shocker tonight when RACHEL WON THE GAME!!!! I'm so happy!!! :) SUCK ON THAT DANIELLE THE GIRL U TRIED TO GET OUT 5x THIS SEASON WON AND ALSO SENT UR ASS PACKING MAYBE U SHUDVE STUCK WITH THE VETERANS STUPID NASTY BITCH WHO NO ONE LIKES !!!! :) Ahhh that felt good cuz its sooo true if she hadnt left her alliance she couldve won the game but she threw them away and her enemy from that alliance won the game whatevs thats all in her face!!! :D The next part of this is really sad so get ready to cry...So my baby, Randy Orton has only held the title for a month since he earned it back from a whiny baby and then what does the very bright Smackdown general manager do? He says the winner of an over-the-top-rope battle royal will be number one contender..No one can throw Mark Henry over that rope so of course my baby now has to face him!!! :O He's doing nothing but cheap shots with chairs, his own belt and his finishing manuveur. My baby could die in this match and Mark Henry has been in the business for 15yrs as he keeps saying so why does he deserve to just wake up one day and decide he wants to be the champ when he pretty much slept the rest of his career away? He doesn't! My baby does not deserve to deal with this monstrosity and I truly believe that someone should start a petition cuz he cant have an injury Smackdown is NOTHING without my baby.. :(. Either way my prayers go out to him on this sunday at Night of Champions as well as for Kelly Kelly! She's amazing and idc who calls her a barbie doll she ain't fake and she's kept the title just as she will sunday the divas just need to face theyre jealous thats she's pretty and a champ and that's just something you gotta deal with in life sometimes. Of course always Cenation but he don't need my prayers that little car renting mexican don't stand a chance against Cena so I won't even think about that. But I will be watching results on FB :) TV's my life until I get my life truly started or I hang with any certain someones :). My life will never be truly started till I'm surrounded by four walls and mom is not in anyway on the side of them be that here or in NC. I look forward to starting my future as I believe it can have a potential to be great as long as me and Zach end up together and if not if we both find great people to be with (but i hope it's Zach xD) Well I think that's about it I lay down in like a half an hour and i gotta pee so yep that's all btw i really appreciate anyone who reads this and even if not at least there's someone I share all my feelings with when no one else will talk to me if I were to say this to most people they'd just say yeah or oh or something like that lol it's alright tho at least I have a soapbox somewhere ;)
                                                                                                                                   ♥ Cassidy ♥

Hmm... :'(

So my life isn't so great right now or say my love life isn't altho my family life isn't too much better. For starters I have a bit of a cold so that doesn't feel good at all. Tonight I was forced to really take a look at Zach and what's happening with us. It took me yesterday and today to put together the fact that him moving to North Carolina has actually made it so I'm not number one priority in his life and he is still the number one in mine. What really sucks for me is that I'm not even number two i think im anywhere from 10 and up.:( I just dont know what to do I wanna cry I think this guy could be my future and everything and it's just getting so hard idk how to do this. I'm thinking should I just say he moved he dont want you and you're just being pitied when he talks to you and if thats true to be honest I could feel like the dumbest person on the planet. He told me he's felt like I dont fit into his life since my last boyfriend but we only dated for five days i just idk i feel like i can never move him down from being a number one priority and it sucks because like i said I think in his life my number is like ten and on. I just I wanna know how to either fix it so I can be a number one or move him down cuz i just idk it doesn't seem like it's gonna work anymore hes changing so much :'(. He got 2 tattoos, he's prolly closer with his brother than me, hell idk he's probably back to being nice to his ex. I just idk i had this perfect plan. i would move out there when i graduate and then we'd be back together and he'd just idk be like waiting for me. Thats not very nice of me to want him to just pause his life and want me but i feel like my life is on resume and i can't stop thinking about how much i wanna be there with him. I just feel like when he sees me im just gonna be that girl he used to date and he'll be so changed he wont want me anymore and i can't shake this feeling that hes going to find someone else. I mean I want him to because I wanna see if he can get attached to someone like he did to me but it'll just sting a lot because my feelings are so strong for him. I would text him but idk me and him texting works about as well as us talking on the phone anymore. I love him so much I just feel like he doesnt feel a need to have me in his life anymore so idk what to do it just really hurts and I'm gonna stop typing now so i can stop crying i just wanted to get it all out there....thanks for listening haha... :'(
                                                                                ♥ Cassidy ♥

So it's been a while and thing have definitely changed about me including school family and even with my bestie Zach ha. His mom is going to see him on the 17th this month in North Carolina so thats good I'm happy for them. I really am because she should get to see him before me and catch up with him before me and yah it's all cool i'm fine with it.Because i get to see him at Thanksgiving even though she will get to then too but still its awesome! :) Anyways enough of that happiness. Im a senior! Thats right me! I've done it I've made it through 3 yrs of high school and I'm working on the final one I'm so proud of me haha I've survived that long I've had a few times when that bad thought entered my head but I made it to this day and I'm not dead so so far so good. Thats actually an event that I wanted to write about so I can get it outof my system. It happened between me and my brother about a few weeks ago. It started when the dirty hobo, Lucy (Black cocker Spaniel, Pepper) snuck into my brother's room while he was eating which I guess he don't like but anyways he yelled that Lucy was eating his noodles well these were broccoli noodles so I still think to this day that he gave them to Lucy and then wudnt own up to it. So I took him on I accused him of giving them to him because he didn't like them and he didnt even defend himself he just got his mad look on his face backed my into the wall made a fist and pounded into the wall right next to my head then left the room and as he did he said the worst thing in my opinion. I would never say it to him and I'm so sensitive to people saying it I just immediately entered shock. He said "wow i really wish you would just go jump off a cliff" I took this as maybe it was my time to go because no one had ever said anything before about me dying and he did right then and there so immediately i knew i couldn't do anything drastic so i started thinking and then i had it i knew how to get rid of me. I was going to take a handfull of pills and so i went downstairs to find some. I couldn't find any I could just hear my brothers echoing inside my head and it just wouldnt stop. The next thing my mom came downstairs and asked what i was doing i said "its my time to go and no one can stop it its decided" she said she wudnt stand for it and she was gonna call the cops so I told her to do what she had to do. She didn't call the cops she came over to me and I couldn't hear what she was saying just something about she wanted me to look at her and i couldnt cuz i just didnt want to. This wasnt my mom for that instant she was a woman who took the side of someone who said he didnt care if i lived or died and she didn't see that as wrong. I just kept hearing my brother echo inside my head and it wudnt go away then i got this moment where i couldn't breathe and i collapsed into the wall and slumped down with my head in my knees. Mom wudnt stand for this she pulled my chin up and told me this wasn't me this was my sister that she would do this kind of thing. This made me think and you know what? She was right I was doing exactly what Yvonne would do if she didn't have anyone on her side so i just turned it off and it went away i didn't even have to try. For an instance in that time I did feel as though a demon was living inside me and I couldn't defeat it. All it was was my sister though and I'm fine. The worst part of it to me is that my brother could even say that to me I just could never say that kind of thing to him without joking. My mom thinks I forgave him and were fine lucky for me I make a convincing actress. I don't see me and my brother ever being close again lucky for me the only person or persons who will ever know is whoever reads this post right here. Youll keep it a secret tho right ;)
                                                                                                                              ♥ Cassidy ♥