This SUX

Ughhh ever since my sister failed at life my mom was gonna be all about making it about me and Mike. But once again it's all about Mike, he got the Droid X for his new phone upgrade and that keeps me from getting the phone I want. I hate him! She always treats him like he's the favorite kid like maybe we can do this Cassidy if MIKE doesn't wanna do this other thing. I hate it I always feel like I'm shoved to the backseat for everything and it sucks. I wish we got treated the same. He gets like everything that he wants always all the time. I know it's because my sister has pretty much made a mess at her life and she doesn't want the same to happen with Mike, but the real stupid part of it is that she's so desperate to make sure Mike succeeds, she doesn't realize that me, I, her daughter,, is falling through the cracks slowly and she forgets to even notice because she's so desperate to see Mike succeed. It's horrible like me and her can be talking about something as simple as how our days were and then he walks in and ALL her focus go to him. Then I walk out of the room and when he leaves that's when she comes back to say sorry to me. I'm always on the back burner for everything. As you should know if you've read my previous posts, this has happened for a lot throughout my life. I'm second best friend to Alyssa and Hannah, maybe not even second, I'm second choice for my own mother, and I'm second maybe more best choice to boys, the one that I really hate is that I'm second choice when it comes to picking between me and Gregg. It's going to be like this the rest of my life. No one will ever pick me first, just everyone and everything else. Maybe I should just stop competing cause I'm always gonna be knocked out of the game for life in anything I do.Oh btw mom just came in my room she said oh and you'll get your phone around say maybe labor day. What really sucks is that we called Verizon today and I found out it's not my phone and there's nothing they can do to help with Devon not getting my messages so there he goes too oh or at least when my phone wants him to. Idk I'm just done with dealing with crap in this life and to be honest it would just be easier if it all went away like i didnt even have to commit suicide, if someone would just come along and kill me and then maybe I'll be the first one missed so I'll finally win something :'(                       ♥Cassidy♥

What You Mean to Me

Lol damn this song is stuck in my head from Disney Channel's Starstruck. It's played when Sterling Knight goes back to Minnesota after realizing he was being a jerk instead of just trying to protect the girl from the paparazzi he goes through every day after a little encouragement from his best friend Stubby. In the song he says "I know I let you down but I'm never gonna make that mistake again" and "I thought I was protecting you from everything that I go through but I know that we got lost along the way" It's a great moment song between them too and then in my opinion she should've taken him back with seeing that but instead she confronts him about thinking he could just go there and sing then get her back. But no they then had a big dramatic thing where he declared himself being crazy about her and then the end,  no kiss just the end he gives her these sunglasses from earlier in the movie and they dance, the end. I'm usually no critic but hey I'm pretty sure it could've gotten better than that ending. Anyways though, phenomenal song in my opinion anyone who's ever been hurt or wants to watch a movie about a guy turning a girl away and then having to earn her back at the end I deff recommend this movie. Ha I remember when I first watched it though. Idk I cant remember why but I was really not happy about sterling winning the girl over cause for real she was awesome at first she hated him, wanted nothing to do with him. And then BAM she fell into a whole day spent with him and she started to like him. I was like really why do they always have to live happily ever after she was doing so well denying him and not liking him and whatever, but I'm over that and I like watching it for that reason. It gives you hope that maybe there's a guy out there who can be like him and you could find someone to fall for even in the worst of situations lol.                                         ♥Cassidy♥

WHYYY?!

Idk what's wrong with me but there has to be something! What really sucks is my mom's new husband in total honeymoon mode and they're gonna be like that cuz one they're married now and two they have no idea I'm going through all this. My mom seriously maybe I could consider acting as a career future because she has even not one encling that I'm going through this. It sucks that I can't tell her cause to be honest me and her, we don't keep secrets. I hate that this one is being kept from her cause she could really help but if I tell her she's married now and she tells Gregg everything even when I ask her not to so that window of communication has been closed off. I don't tell my mom secrets anymore she just blabs them because "they don't keep secrets from each other." Well she can do that but I'm now keeping secrets from her because when I tell her things it doesn't mean go out and tell Gregg a secret means DON'T TELL ANYONE and she will automatically. I guess in a way I don't trust my own mom anymore. Who do I trust? I mean I definitely wouldn't trust Mike I guess I trust my bst friend Alyssa, she knows about everything that's happened with me. She's one that I dont think will judge me and so I trust her, but I don't trust my mom anymore. The secret being kept from her though about Cedrick is tearing me up inside and i dont know what to do honestly. That's a lie I know what to do and I know that I know what to do it's just too risky so I can't cause I know she'd tell Gregg. In other news, school starts on Tuesday I wonder what couples I will see this year to be jealous of. I got super cute clothes for it though so at least I'll look cute while I envy other girls lol. Can't wait to see what else goes wrong in my life        ♥Cassidy♥

Idk How to Do This

Well I went to go see Step Up 3D and it was AWESOME and definitely epic lol. Just one thing though I went with my best friend Hannah and she was texting throughout the movie.  This isn't what got to me it was the fact that she got asked out by this boy she really liked. She has a boyfriend and they are hanging out on Sunday. Well I know she wants me to be excited about this when she shows me all the cute texts he sends her. Idk I just cant let the Cedrick thing go though me and him were getting to that point just strolling there and it just sucks that it didn't happen. So here I am back at this place I never wanted to go back to. I'm jealous of Hannah cause she's about to get everything I could ever want. She has dance, she has singing, and now she has a boyfriend. Idk how to get around this and not be jealous but I have to try cause I mean she IS my best friend. It just sucks. I have Cody but to be honest I really don't have him either he will still be seeing other girls definitely not just me. I hope she cherishes what she has cause right now she can have the world if she tries to reach out and get it. I really really hate the part that hurts me I cant even talk to my mom about because she can't know I lied to her about all that. So I have to go through all this alone and try to get through it. What I loved at the beginning of my friendships with Hannah and Alyssa was that I was better than them. That's selfish and rude but very true. I'm skinnier, I'm easier to like, and I can really make any guy look when I walk by even if its just to look I know they do. Now that doesn't matter though. They both have boyfriends so they don't need to be looked at and their attitudes aren't bad either they actually are a lot more outgoing and willing to show it. Hannah will now be recognized in the school for her dancing which she's now willing to show off to the whole school. Alyssa anyone can beat her in most departments and mostly because she doesnt care she doesn't care because she's found a way out of caring she has started smoking pot and gets  high enough to not even care anymore.  There you have it almost every one of my friends beat me at being the best person and it sucks...         ♥Cassidy♥

Dear Lie...

 Idk i feel like the summer like just started when I started seeing him and now BAM I'm being thrown back in school again and omg I really hope I can handle this. I keep telling myself nah youre good school isnt starting in 15 days and I know this is me in denial but I think it's helping me to cope with what's coming cause I dont want it coming at least not yet but it is so ready or not here it comes and I have a new thing happening and idk just all going crazy n I hope I can be ready for it. Thats about it for now.....                      ♥Cassidy♥

Ummm

I've started to realize that I use this blog as an outlet for my pain and feelings whenever I'm down cuz here I am again new time, new prob, but same day. This time it's about something but it also latches onto the prob I had earlier.  So the wedding was ok I could be a great actress someday cause all day it sucked for me but I wore a pretty little smile and tried getting along with everyone. What was the biggest shock was my brother I mean this  brother hes like the "I'm too cool for you" kind of guy and he actually got along with me and talked to me and idk he kinda made the day suck a little less. After we got home though things kinda shifted I was supposed to maybe go to this party and me and mom were all set to go pick out my outfit to wear.  Everything else in the day was gonna work out perfectly but then Boom. Mom came in my room asked if I was ready to go-because she invited Gregg to go with us too! This sucked I wasn't going for it so I told her never mind I didn't wanna go. This really sucked for me cuz I was ready to let loose and just have a great time with friends I haven't seen in like forever. This isn't how I'm gonna put it to my friends though cuz for starters I'm just ignoring my phone for a while. I don't wanna hear how much fun they had and blah blah blah. I just don't want it so I'm not gonna take it. Tomorrow's a pretty good day I'm going to the zoo with Mr and Mrs. Ondracek + my wonderful brother. Thats prolly the only part that I'll be OK with is that Mike will show up and we'll have a fun day it won't just be me putting on a happy face for the happy couple. Idk how I'm dealing with this but somehow I am but I'm also thinking lots of other things so I'm not doin so great. I think I can beat the bad thoughts though if I cover them with good ones like how my life could turn out. Things have kinda went to Hell though. Um well I guess that's all think I'm gonna go grab a shower                               ♥Cassidy♥

HATE THIS

Ughhh so It's 8:59 in the morning on Friday July 23rd or as I like to call it a day I dont wanna live. Mom's getting married to this guy she's been dating for like 4 yrs...I just think it's dumb. I dont want her to. She's my mom not his wife and after today Everything changes. It sucks me and my mom we have such a bond no one cud ever break it...well at least before. Now Gregg is entering and not just as like her bf but as like someone who I'm gonna have to deal with for the rest of my life. God I'm screaming so much on the inside it sucks that I cant stop this. I don't want it to happen. I don't care if she wants it I dont and I feel like her doing it with me being ok with it is incredibly selfish. Lately I've been feeling like low like low enuff to maybe just end it all and who knows maybe this is just the thing to do it. Ughh I just dont want her to do it and she's gonna + shes gonna make me stand up for her as she ELOPES because she's also too chicken to tell our family. Gregg keeps saying they want it be a surprise but to me they're just being cowards and I'm so incredibly mad at them both but mostly mom. Like seriusly what gives her the right to do this I dont want her to and Idk if I can seriusly take it. This might be just what is needed for me to ........ I've tried talking to her about how much I hate this but she just wont listen and she "loves" him w.e idc I dont and idk this is just dumb and for real idk if i can deal with this. Guess that's it I'll keep this updated
                ♥Cassidy♥

Sigh....

Um well a lots gone down since my last post prolly from way before back when school got out. Well put your hands together ladies and gents I am no longer a virgin and I've done it three times. Now 3 cheers for the idiot who let him not wear a condom just so he was comfortable oh and how bout another one for her letting him cum inside her and promising to get an abortion. I never wanted this to happen I mean actually ya i did I really did wanna have sex and with someone who was a non-virgin so that came true but god the not wearing a condom part ugh why?!? but w.e. my bed now i gotta lie in it idk if I'm pregnant and too early to see if my period is a skip so that's up the air right now. I like no I really do love that I'm not a virgin anymore cause to be honest I have wanted to have sex for a long while now. I just didn't want there to be an accident because prior to most people's beliefs I am for abortion. I believe it's the right of the person who's pregnant to make the choice with the child unborn. To me that baby doesn't exist until it is in the mothers hand after 9 months or less or more. Sorry if you don't feel the same but I do and my views will stay that way till its proved otherwise to me. What really sucks though is that the people who I know could help me through it I cant tell because they wont be for my decision (if there even is one) and they will judge and maybe even never talk to me again. This is why I'm kinda glad that this girl who kinda used to be one of my best friends won't talk to me cause of this other thing. There's one guy that I can tell about this his name is Gerald he's really sweet and everything and he likes me but I've told him I just don't see him like that. I really feel like there's 2 other people I'd rather talk to about this but then again there's a problem with that. Anyways idk if u read my blog a lot but there's Devon and Steve. Steve to be honest he's been through an abortion before and if I were to tell him i went through with it and did that then he would never speak to me again and he'd lose all respect for me. Same for Devon he's never been through it but he has a strong opinion about it and isn't afraid to voice it so if the time comes, I've decided they will not know just as I haven't even informed them I had sex more than once. Actually after Devon found out that I had sex he got mad and refused to talk to me we just started talking about five days ago. Idk if I'm meant to have sex but I know for sure I'm not meant to have baby and I also refuse to carry it just to give it away that just idk that concept seems stupid to me so i wont even consider it. If I turn out to be pregnant the baby is to be terminated. I know this makes me a bitch but I wont even look back Ok this is a life that I do not want and I will not have and did not ask for so therefore I feel I have no obligation to it. Other than that great summer vacay nothing to do blah but anyways that's pretty much it                  ♥Cassidy♥

Blah....

So I'm kind of in a blah-like mood well I'm texting a friend but he's really like JUST A FRIEND so that's not much fun. So I was talking to a new found friend on the all but trusting myyearbook and he had a great idea like when u wanna "be alone" with a boy and ur at school. Hmmm where do u go and not get caught?? Answer: AUDITORIUM check it like for realz this is the real deal I'm shocked I didnt think of it and it turns out he even was able to recieve a BJ in there and no one heard anything like omg that wud be the perfect place to do anything alone with a boy when ur at school and u just well u need to be alone like forget that smelly old germy infected bathroom go to ur local school auditorium unless ur school is lame and doesnt include one xD. anyways I was bored so I just wanted to make a post and I guess that's all for now......                    ♥Cassidy♥

First Blog EVER!!!

This is my blog ever!! I'm not reely sure how your're supposed to do this , but i'm gonna give it a shot. Hey,my name is Cassidy Cooper and i live in Council Bluffs, Iowa. I probably wont do this too often cause I have better things to do but right now I'm bored and need something to do so I'm creating this account. Pretty much there's only like 3 big topics that will be mentioned a lot which is friends, boys, music, most other things don't matter 2 much to me. One other thing you should probably know is that I'm indecisive and I change my mind A LOT and very easily lol. Well, I cant really think of anything else 2 say but yeah if any1 reads this dont be afraid to post a comment towards it. Thats all 4 now :)  ♥Cassidy♥