Okay with Life!

Well its been a long time since I last posted because so much has changed! I mean Zach had his baby and he's happy as can be and him and Shellbie even got married! Dallas is also now 2! I know, I know, tear :'( lol nah hes doing so great! He's speaking sentences and hes really impressionable! He is also so fricken cute sometimes I look at him and I literally see the male version of me! Dallas has had quite the life already man but the worst part is his dad doesn't see him very often hes been dealt a pretty rough hand including myself filing for child support so he didn't pay and his license was taken lol. The thing that I hate is that Dallas dont really see him very often but yet he still gets to be his dad. When he does see him you can tell he trusts him more and more cuz he does remember him its just that he really dont see him other than every few months he says that will change here after this last visit but Im just sitting back and waiting for it so we'll see. I'm doing ok though I'm actually currently in a relationship of three months :). His name is Shawn and he makes me really happy and I'm completely in love with him and even at certain times I feel like I can compare him to that saying , "One day a person will enter your life and show you why it never worked with anyone else." There's just one thing that bothers me its like he says things such as "If you dont mess up and lose me," or "If we can make it last." Those kinds of sayings just make me wonder if it'll for real last. We just had a pretty good fourth of July together it was the first holiday we celebrated together. I tried a new drink with him called Not Your Father's RootBeer. I didnt eat enough beforehand so I had a massive hangover on the fifth but I think I learned my lesson. You may be saying how old is she? but dont worry I'm 21 and I didnt drink till I turned 21 I'm a rare one you find in society who actually follows the laws. You may recall that I said my life is okay it's because I'm not entirely excited about life. I still have no license and live with my mom and because of not having a license I only have a part time job as well. I know, I know, no one else can fix things but myself but idk what to do all I have to do is learn parallel parking and it seems no one is really available to teach me :/. Shawn showed me on the fourth how but I go by that phrase, "the only way you really learn is by doing it yourself." So there's that and I really hate living at my moms house... she does everything for my brother and please believe me on that! She cleans the bathroom, she does all his dishes, she makes his bed, does his laundry, and if she could she prolly would cook for him and shower for him! I just can't take it and it kinda feels like I'm sponging off them by living with them. I know my step dad is beyond ready to have the house to themselves. I just feel depressed a lot I'm really happy to have my boyfriend and my son just feel like I need more out of life... I do love my job tho I usually get really excited about projects and all and if I could I would just be happy being there the rest of my life but I think I'll need a 2nd job eventually. Only problem with the license I'm having is my permit expires next February as well and it's gonna come at me really fast. I almost want to just take the test and try to get my license  but I think without parallel parking I just am destined to fail. Since this is also a way to voice my feelings I'm very happy with my relationship but he has a son and that demands a lot of his attention as well which doesnt feel too good cuz when I was with Zach I saw him nearly every day but with Shawn it's like once a week sometimes two and he said thats part of why his other relationships didnt last either and I dont want us to end. I love him so much and I feel like maybe someday our lives could loop together I just know I'm not very patient. I hate that I don't really have a good friend to hang out with because mine moved to colorado with her husband in March. :/ I always just tell her I'm happy for her but I'd really love it if she came back again :/ Me and my mom's relationship has taken a turn for not there too much anymore since I broke up with Zach I know she loves him and I do too but as a friend.. I don't think I could ever be with him again even if Shellbie and him did break up eventually I just don't see him the same way anymore. He has this marriage with her that hes just controlling and she has to do what he says or she can't live there anymore or something. Also he's willing to still live with her even though theyve had tons of disgusting issues I won't mention on here cuz thats their business I just know I could never have what we had with the man he's become. Not to mention I have something with Shawn I would never want to lose I feel like he brings out something in me I've never seen before hes sexy, independent, so strong, and hes not very tame but I just love it all about him. The thing I dont understand is the women that have done him so wrong. I mean his sons mother turned him down when he was down on his knees begging her to stay and before that 2 yr relationship, he was with someone for a year and a half and for the end of that half, she was sleeping with his best friend who isnt even cute...I'm just so happy to have him in my life and Dallas if the rest of my life could improve things would get so much better for me but for now my life is okay but the good kind of okay basically... I think thats about it for now though thanks for listening whoever reads this if anyone :)  
                                                                                                                                ♥Cassidy♥

She's Pregant....Again.. :/

Ok well I guess maybe now me and Zach are through because she is pregnant. I dont want it to bother me but it does like a lot. I felt like it was gonna be me and him back together maybe next year but it turns out this next year he will be decorating a nursery up till May when they have a baby. I thought he was getting closer to me he started commenting on like all my Facebook posts and and liking them and I just guess I thought wrong cuz I was so convinced he would be mine again next year. Maybe that he was just slowly slipping away from her. I thought he would be Dallas's daddy and another one in a few years like we planned when we dated now I feel like it's all different. Theres no way that can happen when he made a baby with her now. I wish it didn't affect me I wish I believed that I'll just move on and find someone else and that we're not meant to be together but I can't I still feel that we are meant to be together and I dont know why now that he has all this other stuff a fiance a step son and another baby with her on the way. He is making a family so maybe it's just my heart and mind in conflict maybe thats why I cant shake the feelings. I know that I'm still totally and completely in love and not just with him with his whole family- with our whole life we were building and now its just all gone. There's nothing I can do to make it come back because this is her second time being pregnant since they got together and this time he stated that when she holds her breath he can see the baby move so this is no trap set by her this is the real deal they are having a baby...It just sucks because I am still in love with him he was my first relationship. Dallas's dad was my second but I've never gotten over him I never fell for his dad like I fell for Zach. There's so many memories too. Like we drove out to North Carolina to start our life together living with his brother and in December when he took me to the airport and sent me the sweetest message making me just want to turn around so I kind of did three days after I got back we arranged that I drive out with his brother and father for Christmas and then everything flew at us. Dallas was born and Zach finally got a job everything fell in place. I honestly think that when I decided things weren't working I was being selfish because I wanted his attention and he just wanted to give it to Dallas which at the time I didn't know was what should've happened I just didn't know that. I wish I'd known that because if I had maybe we'd be happy right now getting ready for Christmas with Dallas, not planning a pregnancy but still happy because Dallas would be ours. I threw everything away just to be right and before I knew it everything slipped out of my hands and I wish it hadn't happened but now it did. The thing is I dont think she loves him I think she needs him because he helps her with her son he helps with money and now theres a baby to solidify them and probably in this next year they will be getting married. It really hurts me that it has all turned out like this. He's appologized for everything but that doesnt fix any of it I just feel helpless and i feel like all I can do is say congratulations and fade into the background because I just cant support it, any of it I feel like I caused it all though so I cant object. Even if I did he thinks hes in love with her not me anymore so it wouldnt do anything. He's with this girl who doesnt fight with him and can have him be a family with her so there's no way me and him will ever be together again. I feel helpless and in love but maybe this just all is pointing me to my better future maybe God has another plan for me and Zach was a lesson I'm not sure but if so he was a very hurtful lesson because ever since I came home thats all it's been is hurt and the only thing in my life that makes it better and bearable is my son Dallas Lee. I love him so much sometimes I can't believe I kept him n feel like maybe I'm way in over my head but when he kisses me
and hugs me I know it's the right decision and I just have to have patience and get plenty of sleep to be gently and loving with him. He is the best gift God ever gave me and I thank him everyday that he keeps breathing. He is the light of my life and always will be along with any other children I have in the future. I used to feel like kinda I guess suicidal in a way but never really gonna do it. With Dallas I havent had any of those thoughts while being single. I'm guessing its because he is someone to live for and I know that so I'm glad I have him. Even though he does sleep in my bed and have some bad habits like pulling on eyes and noses and stuff I see that he's just exploring and I learn more everyday to love his flaws because he only develops more each day and I still find myself loving him at the end of every day. Love is infinite you can always make more when you need to so maybe I need to face that hes going to love this baby growing inside of her and I can grow to love a new man in the new year I just have to be open to it and not talk to Zach all that does is remind me of how much I still love him. Maybe its like a drug addiction. Maybe just go cold turkey and not take anymore of the drug and the addiction will go away. It did when I was with Dallas's dad. I was happy with him till I became pregnant and my hormones went crazy. I didn't think about Zach really and I enjoyed the relationship so maybe that's what I need to do maybe I need a relationship but first I know my priorities and my first is finding a job I am gung ho on that. I will not look for a man till I get a job. I'm excited again for work this time I will have a purpose. I wont be splurging and buying anything and everything I will be saving money and buying Dallas toys and food and diapers so long he's in those. I will be worn out but seeing his smile at the end of the day will make it all worth while. I'm also working on getting my license so I wont have to rely on others for rides to work just take myself. My mom don't want me to leave home with the economy how it is and maybe I'm starting to agree. I thought getting an apartment would be good and fun but if I dont have enough of a paying job it's just not going to happen. I'm very excited for Dallas's first year he'll go to the park and just be a lot more on the move! It's going to be a blast ! I thought Zach could be a part of it when he left her but now its not looking that way so maybe it'll just be me and Dallas but I'm ok with that for now we've been doing well on our own since May just mommy getting a little lonely but I figure part of that will fade when I get a job. I still don't like my step dad but I at least am tolerating him now it's my brother I hate he treats my mom like a maid and she complies so he does it again and again she wont listen when I tell her that if she doesnt comply he won't expect. I'm pretty much thinking maybe for Christmas buy her a maid outfit and write my brothers name on it but I'm sure it still wouldnt stop her from all that she does. I just wish it would because then maybe he could grow up and stop expecting her to do everything like putting a lid on his toothbrush or clean every single one of his protein shake cups and his blender now too. I just want everyone to be happy and that includes me so maybe by unfriending Zach on Facebook I wont stalk his page and I can get on with my life I know hes going to ask why I unfriended him but I honestly have a reason I feel like I stalk his page and the status he posted about being pregnant all it did last night was kept waking me up cuz it upset me so much and I dont want that. So I unfriended him and now I'll just get on with my life and he can get on with his with her and hopefully all will be okay.                                    ♥Cassidy♥

Life Now

Wow its been a while but I'm not in the best shape that I could be so I figured maybe typing everything out could help. My son Dallas is progressing well he can walk any day now he stands up by just about anything he can holding on. I'm so proud of him but I cant help but be sad about it too because it wasnt just going to be me it was going to be me and Zach raising him together as a couple but I messed everything up once again. I was happy very happy I guess I just wanted a break because idk maybe cuz I'm stupid but I felt like all he wanted was to be there for Dallas and not me anymore so I messed it up. He says I didnt do anything wrong but I feel it in my heart n soul that I did it. I just dont understand how to fix it or how to fix me. He has moved on hell he was gone a week after we broke up new family and all and his fiance now even wants to try to talk to me whenever I'm at his parents house. I know that sounds weird but even broken up his parents are like parents to me sometimes more often than my own parent I mean I dont have a dad anymore I actually felt like I never did with him being in the nursing home all the way back that I remember. Zach's dad tho I love him so much he makes me smile and laugh just like a dad should but I'm not surprised he has had practice with 3 kids n all lol. I think I can honestly say I love Zach's family I just fell for all of them because theyre so likable and easy to get along with. His brother and mom got me hooked on the all famous Duck Dynasty xD. Now theyre being kicked out for some reason and I'm gonna lose them and that includes Zach he informed me 2 days ago that he plans to enter the Navy as if they need more people. He just wants it for college but I swore that I would never be with someone in the military so there goes my plan to be meant to be with him. I really love him so much and I dont know when I will get over him I just wish it would happen soon all I find myself doing is searching Facebook for a status from him to be posted and I just feel pathetic knowing he doesnt get on often to post stuff because he is actually out there living. Recently I actually figured out that I have been relying on men my last 2 relationships so I've decided that I'm going to figure out my life alone before I start a new relationship for a while later probably too. If I could turn back time i wouldnt have given him up it's seriously like I handed him to her and it sucks but I cant change anything now because shes got her arms and legs wrapped so tightly around him it doesnt seem like he can breathe and if its that bad you wont leave the person. He's always been the kind of guy who wont leave a girl he will be left before leaving and its horrible but he will make himself stay as long as she wants him. Problem is she will never stop wanting him because she seems nothing but desperate to me and I can tell she knows she cant do better than him I just wish he was still mine he'll be like the one that got away now but I cant do anything besides have regret. Anyways on a lighter note I've tried involving Dallas's birth dad in his life idk if I said this before but he got married 2 months into a relationship so they are now both coming to see him whenever they can afford it or as often as they can. As it stands now he isnt seeing him often enough as when he's here Dallas wont really interact with him he whimpers when he picks him up and he really wont even pick Dallas up unless I make him. I just dont understand I mean everyone else in my life isnt afraid to pick him up when they enter the room and want him but his own dad seems afraid to and when he whimpers he wants to give him back feeling like he doesnt want him. Well news flash buddy he doesnt see you often he's not going to want you you have to try making him want you hes a baby he doesnt know what to want. He's literally seen him 3x since I let him in at 4 months with Dallas and he's now 10 months. I just hope he steps up and more than once a month or so because I told Zach I dont mind at all whenever he wants to see him he just has to tell me and we will set it up. I cant tell him no he was there at his birth he had him 2 hours before I even met him waking up from a c section. He cared for him as his dad for 5 months and still continues to ask if there's anything that we need whenever that we ask him. I would rely on his father the same but he lives in a different city so it is very different as Zach is right across town. I think it's hard for Zach that me and his parents are still so close but he has to recognize that by crossing our lives together when I was pregnant I grew very close to them and it created a strong bond. This bond will never go away and I actually like that I feel like we're friends and if I have a problem that they will always be able to help me if available. It just makes me sad that they may be moving to North Carolina that means if I wanna see them I'll have to fly out to see them but maybe some way they will find a way to stay then I can keep the closeness. They love Dallas like a grandson and I'm perfectly fine with that he loves them too theyve been there for him since birth and he absolutely lights up spending time with them I just wish it was the way it shouldve turned out with them actually being grandparents to him with me and Zach raising him. I'm sure sometimes Zach feels that too but also on some level he wouldnt still be with her if he wasnt happy with her so maybe he'd just want to be like a father to Dallas and a friend at most to me. Idk but I wish more now idk whats going to happen I thought since were still in each others lives that maybe we're meant to be but now idk how it would even work if we did wanna get together later on its like he wouldnt have a place to live with his parents so I just dont understand my life is a mess right now full of sadness and heartache but also happiness and gratefulness for my son so I go day to day hoping God finds me a will to live and he does so I thank him every day for my precious life he's given me and my son even if we're back with my parents at least were both alive and healthy and everyday I just strive to try and make both of our lives better. Maybe someday I can provide him a full time step dad also but till then doctors and family all tell me I'm doing great with him so thats all I can be happy about :)                                                                                       ♥Cassidy♥

Here's To Exes lol

Ok so its almost been a  month since me and Zach ended and I'm not over him still bleh :/. But someone else I've decided to bring back into my life is my son's father. He is very grateful and looks forward to meeting him and is currently engaged. This shouldn't bother me but it does idk I cant help but care but another part of me whenever he mentions if we got back to together feels like my stomach is turning every which way. Maybe I'm just supposed to stay single for now :/. I just really like being in a relationship. I felt like me and Zach had a great relationship with amazing times and got along so well but then I also think if everything was perfect cut n dry we wouldnt've fought all the time and we did we had a new fight practically every 2 weeks if not every week. I admit I ruined us in the beginning of moving to North Carolina mistakenly thinking that he was going to tell his sister in law everything about us that I did and just be judged or pulled aside by her blindsided and I hated when that happened. But I didn't trust our relationship enough to tell him that how I felt until the damage was done it was 3 months in we were pulled separate he was sleeping in the living room me in the bedroom as I was pregnant. When I finally opened up and told him it was fixed we started to interact again and put us back together. We were cemented after my son was born on January 7th we didnt have one single fight and visiting hours were 1 hr usually so it was just me him and the baby hes not the father but he played the role well and loved him as his own. Along with this came a job for him also though and with him not home during the day anymore me and the baby stayed in the room and this created a conflict among us with his sister in law with us not getting to know each other but me and Zach both were tired of how his sister in law treated a lot of things so it was just time to leave. I just thought coming back to Iowa would be perfect to make us a family all living together and everything but still the fights stayed and I have no idea why he also said he didnt know either. I now have to look back on that relationship as not meant to be and look towards the future it's just hard to see him happy he has a gf and is moved on and "I'm out in the cold" with me and Dallas. Maybe I will feel better when I have I bf I yearned for Zach for so long just for the relationship to fail it just sucks I wish it was the one I hate a broken heart and trying to put it back together I'm just glad I have my son he makes everyday a little more worth living :) <3 p="">

Halloween :P

I havent updated in a while and I thought I'd try this to get my feelings out. So here goes; im in a previous relationship again and were having a baby and we now live in NC. We dated for 5 months last year and I fell in love with him so deeply but he moved. I've mentioned him many times and I felt like I could get him back many times before. However I have gotten him back. It happened on October 3rd that we started dating again which was precisely 2 days after him and his ex ended. This was a quick whim where she said really mean things and they didnt have a great relationship at some points but they also did have good parts of their relationship. He texted me the night she broke up with him wanting to be split up for 2 weeks and I just immediately jumped on it. I took it as wow this is my next shot with him me and him will be back together I mean I was as crazy as asking him to come over that night! I totally took advantage of this break up. I'm one of those girls I hate it's like there was this relationship and I just jumped in there and took him for myself not even regarding her feelings. I hate those kind of girls idk how i could have become one and not even noticed! Tonight is All Hallows Eve and me and him will have been together for a month in three days but I was also informed tonight that if my intentions had not been towards getting him back he could have ended up right back where he so badly wanted to be as a few days following the breakup, she texted him. She stated she would change for him she wanted him back and the only thing or person standing in her way was me. I just feel like if I hadn't been there this would not be my life it could be hers and his which is how she felt also. She wanted him to come out when he wanted to and claims that she would come out after the holidays. Her not me and she couldve enjoyed this life with him as I do instead since I was a home wrecker litterally. Her and him lived together and dated for 9 months, went through a miscarriage, and most importantly were engaged to be married. He had to have made him happy otherwise she wouldntve wanted him back as she did and still probably does. All I feel that I've done is wrecked a 9 month relationship to go back to our 5 month which probably doesnt even come close to standing up to what we had. We had something really good but I guess I didnt realize all the time I was missing him his life was going on not with me just going on and all I could do was want him back. He had a life with her for 9 months that couldve been made into a year and then maybe 2 then maybe many more and these are thoughts that could have been true if I had not swept in and took over. I feel like I shouldve been the friend I claimed to be and instead of asking him over, encouraged him to pursue this other relationship he held so dearly. It's like a classic girl control move to want like 2 weeks apart and then be over it a few days later which I shud have tuned into and let him have time to himself. On that magical night that I created in my head he informed me that he and her were over and he was going to go to NC. My hopes instantly fell and I just replied that it was his go-to move when things go wrong and he responded by asking me along. This instantly drew me back to when we dated. He went on a vacation that turned to a staycation and ended us. I instantly saw this as a do-over and was completely on board just thinking again of ME! I mean ughhhh sometimes I can be so selfish it sucks. I never knew his ex and I still dont to this day I just know if she feels half the feelings I feel and have felt for him since the first time we dated she misses him every day and wonders hoow she couldve fixed anything that went wrong with their relationship. The relationship that I wrecked. I'm the happiest I've ever been when I'm with him I just cant help but feel as though I stole him and he wasn't mine to steal. I'm so happy but also so guilty because I now know it couldve been him and her instead of me. I mean if you think about it 5 months cant even think of standing up to 9. All in those 9 months he got to know her inside and out and completely feel in love with her to the point of moving in and even proposing. Me and him we enjoyed hanging out at my house or our spot in his car by my house or somewhere else and then he went home and I saw him the next day for some more. We were like a high school romance whereas him and her were a real life couple living together, trying to start a family together and just enjoying each other day and night. We are doing this now and its so perfect I just cant help but feel bad knowing it couldve been all hers. Were having a son in January the name is undecided but hoping all goes well and it dont hurt too bad all though it probably will xD I love him soooo much I want this to work so bad just sometimes I feel like I can't reach him like I want to. Like take the other day I was talking to him about a movie we were watching and he just was like gloomy through the whole thing. Then his brother comes home and he's all happy and leaving the room and like bumbling with joy. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not enough for him especially in terms of excitement since I'm really not exciting. I think parenthood will be scary and I hope all goes well but I just dont know how I'm going to be at being a mom I dont even remember how I act when I'm not on my period cuz thats all it feels like I'm having this whole time I've been pregnant. I just feel like in some ways i'm moody and grumpy and then other days im happy and laughing and having an awesome time....kinda like a basketcase. One thing that bothers be a whole lot about this whole ex thing is the ex thing not only has to do with his but also mine. Mine will always be a threat back home awaiting the brith of his child and I'm stuck biting my nails hoping all works out and he does not find us or our son. Our son will be ours but he also does have a sperm donor that will always be a concern if we ever went back home. He will never be the father to my son though just a sperm donor. I have so many feelings inside me this feels good to get out since I feel like I cant even turn to my mother anymore all she wants to hear is how happy me and my guy are and nothing negative. I feel like me and her used to be close before me and my ex dated it feels like ever since him we've been torn apart and nothing but. The only person I could actually turn to is not even a person and I miss him dearly hes my boo boo (black cocker spaniel named, Pepper). I turn to him whenever I have a problem and he cant tell me to shutup because he cant talk so hes a really good listener he's just not very good when I cry thats something my current guy is pretty good at tonight I just broke down crying and he was totally there to dry my tears and try to help me feel better which it actually did help a little. He claims he's completely over her and I shudnt feel like I was a homewrecker and if they had gotten back together it wouldnt have been for long but honestly who's to know? Would they be forever? Would they have been stronger from the breakup? Theres so many questions I want them answered but I also only want to be with him hes the best for me in my opinion and always will be. I got this moment in the truck earlier we had just gotten breakfast and the lady was a complete bitch or ladies were. I was just in its w.e. mode and then he just starts cracking all these jokes about her and calling the company and I'm like rolling in my chair. I thought to myself I need to stop doubting how he feels about me we have all these little moments that are so fun and perfect and thats what life is about with me and him all these little moments and all the little moments we will have with our son. I completely look forward to it I just need to quit doubting it and questioning it because of small down moments. She had her chance and this is our new shot which I am so grateful to have. You have to live for the moment and not for the past. Maybe I lived for the past that night but it got me to these great moments. We can live a great life together and I want to make it happen. I said all the times I missed him that he was my soulmate now is the time to make that happen if it fails then I was wrong but if we let it work and make it keep going we truly are soulmates and its meant to be but I need to put my best foot forward in order to make that happen. I need to just sit back and enjoy that Z+C is back together and is here to stay and make it this time. :) That would truly make me the Happiest Girl in the Whole World !! This definitely helped me feel a hell of a lot better and fills me with hope so anyone out there who reads this just root for me to find the happiness I'm going after because this time its going to last a lifetime with my soulmate, the man I love, and my husband Zach M. ha sorry last name confidential. But thanks for tuning in if youve lasted this whole post youve been a great listener and once again its felt great posting how I feel about everything in my life at this point. :) oh btw Happy Halloween !!

♥Cassidy♥

New Me

Wow I havent done this in forever but I have so many feelings I need to let them out. There have been soo many changes in my life since my last posts. I fell in love with a boy named Josh. We had a great relationship and it lasted a total of 3 months with happiness but the last 3 months it wasn't so fun cuz I faced something I had never faced before and handled it in the worst way possible. We made a son and I am currently 5 months and a half pregnant carrying him. I expect him to be the best joy in someones life and bring so much happiness but it will not be mine. I have decided to go for adoption and Josh disagrees this is why we have separated. We separated long before this though. I started pushing him away, fighting with him, being a total bitch out of all the hormones I had inside me. The sad thing is I believe we could've gone the distance had I not gotten pregnant. He still is going to fight for custody versus the adoption company but I hope and pray with all my might that they win. He is not ready for a child he's too immature himself and I dont want him raising our son. I dont mind how my son feels about me when he gets older as he will probably hate what I have done and how I did it but I feel it is what's best. My mom has 2 jobs now her husband works as much as he can and my brother works overnights I mean if I did keep him there would come a time when the thought enters "so who will watch my son cuz everyone else has responsibilities today" I just dont feel this is right and I will not let my son suffer through this. He's mine for 3 and a half more months and I need to do what is best for him within this range and doing so I need to find him a great family to raise him as their own and be their blessing each and every day. It's crazy but I never even feel him move inside me it's like he's there but unnoticed by me and maybe thats mean but I cant say I feel him when I do not. The only way I know hes there is I see him on a sonogram and I know that wow there is this little baby growing inside me and counting on me for 3 and a half more months and if I let him down his life will be very uncertain. It may be cold to give him up for adoption to some people but to me and my family it is the right choice and it's what I need to do for his sake. I'm not ready to be a mom and my mom always tells me when I start to have doubts that when the time is right i will conceive a child out of love and the whole pregnancy will be based off of love and awaiting the child's arrival to bless our world and make me a happy mommy but for now I'm just a teenager who got carried away because the fact is I'm not ready. I'm ready for the relationship of my life since I turned 18 not a family it's just not my time. My time will come to have a happy family and be a very happy person with a man I love but I truly don't want to and won't let it be with Josh. Up until he found out he was having a child he had no driver's license, no drive in life, and no G.E.D. He got his driver's license and he is working on getting a place with some girl who he knew for maybe a year and started dating like 30m after we broke up. It's just not the life I want for my child and I hope that a judge will see he's not the right man to raise our son, and his girlfriend/fiance if they already are that, is not the right mother figure for my son. He needs to be raised with a couple who is stable and can fully take care of my son the way he deserves. I always have dreams of me and Josh together and I wake up and I'm sad cuz this just isn't true but then I also must face why this isn't true because he didnt and doesnt deserve a young woman like me who is mature and ready for a strong commited relationship. He is a child who enjoys showing everyone how he can play on his phone, pretend to play guitar, make immature jokes, and after all that still try to call himself an adult. I need a man who is strong, stable, and knows how to treat a woman and a girlfriend. I do feel myself unable to start a relationship at this point being really unstable with my feelings I think I would just start fights and ruin it but I feel after the child is born and I move past this part of my life I will be ready to try and find that relationship but for now I will remain single, treasure friends, and eliminate all bad afflictions in my life to ensure my child finds a great place to be and I do also in the future which I now know cannot ever again be with Josh.

♥Cassidy♥

My Life as of Right Now.

So I opened up my laptop and I wanted to write a blog about where my life is right now. I got great news tonight, I'm one of the top cashiers at my job :). This should've made me do nothing but boast but to be honest idk why but it put me in a bad mood. I was in the worst mood tonight I just couldn't get rid of this gray cloud hanging over my head. My face wouldn't change it was just a sucky night. I think I know what caused it though. On Tuesday night I took all my month of November paychecks and  I went shopping and by the end of the night I was left with 13 dollars but I got every single item of clothing that I wanted. This should have made me happy right? That's what I think too I mean it's just money and now I can look great everyday but idk I just cant stand to look at myself long because of spending that much. I'm the kind of girl that thinks when this kind of thing happens a guy should comfort her and tell her it's okay and just bring a little sunshine to the world. The only guy I can think of to do so is miles away and still not even showing if he'd want to be with me. Tonight I talked to him on IM for facebook and he pretty much couldn't be serious at all and all he wanted to talk about was poking me with something. I just wish sometime he could like grow up I mean he's older than me and I act more mature. Idk im just in a bad mood tonight.But anyways my life right now...passing sociology and legal studies apps even impressing my teachers maybe. Not eating regular meals with my work hours the way they are. Freezing outside, yeah today it snowed. My closet is packet with clothes. I've recently discovered that I love doing laundry and I have to fight mom to let me do it. I still love Pink. I probably will be getting like dollar gifts for people's Christmas this year even having a job. I still suck at saving money but this time I got to 441 so I'm getting better. I hope I'm able to provide more for my kids when I have some which one i've been wishing I had lately. It's starting to sink in that soon I will no longer be attending school. I think I'm getting sick so work tomorrow and Saturday should be fun anyways Happy Holidays love anyone who reads this including a special guy if he does xP

                                                                     ♥ Cassidy ♥

bebbbbbbbbso my best friend ashley has her phone off so i guess thats why she hasnt been texting me i was wonering why my phone isnt like going off nonstop like usual but ig now ik. so these girls from work mikalyla and michelle are starting to talk to me and its really weird but im always down for more friends so im rolin with it its just weird and makes me wonder what they want from me im not like them they drink like every night and unlike them i dont have a boyfriend. i could have a bf soon but like i said last night fingers crossed i dont know whats going to happen i just hope it happens. i seriusly doubt hes even thinking about it as much as i am im like obsessed with trying to figure out whats going to happen i just really wanna know like i said i want that crystal ball to look into the future and show how everything is going to turn out. the way it sounds is hes just living and not even worrying about when he gets back which is good unless it meanis im wasting my time thinking about it which is not wat im thinking at all just a little bit cuz i mean i could be he could think im a crazy person and be reading all my new blogs thinking wow its so stalkerish that she wont forget about me but on the other hand he could be thinking wow shes never gonna forget about me maybe i should give us another shot. idk i cant speculate it just sucks i wanna figure this out so bad its like a puzzle im stuck in the middle and i just cant find the piece that goes with the piece im holding right now ugrghhhh... :/ thanks for listening again... :)

Uncertain Thoughts..

As I told you last night my ex is coming back to Iowa in January and this is a great thing in my opinion. :) The only thing is it's causing me insomnia I cant stop wondering if or just what's going to happen and I missed a chance to talk to him tonight too I found out out an hr or a little less afterwards. :( He said I see your butt and of course this made me like wtf how could he lol but anyways so now I have all these wonders and the pathetic part is that I cant find anyone to talk to about how I feel about him besides my loyal companion, Pepper. He's a great listener and he does not judge or respond with rude remarks or ones that fill me with hope that I shouldn't have at all yet. I keep wondering will he ask me out when he comes back, is he thinking about me out there in Nc, Does he dream about me, Is he even thinking about this like me, does he even care about me or is it just all about his family, is he too afraid to say hes over me, will he even call when he gets back or just text, will he always be busy and never be free, does he even wanna see me or just basically his family and just wanna be friends. There's just endless questions and i keep wondering if they will be answered or not and just he'll mostly hang with his family. My mom is living in this fantasy and just thinks me and him are meant to be and it really doesnt help with my doubts because all she's doing is looking at the positive. He even told me when he visited Iowa last time that in order to get back together there wud have to be lots of talking and in the end sometimes talking leads to a negative decision which scares me :/. Sometimes I just wish I had a magic crystal ball to see how things will turn out. That might take the fun out of life but idk. I hope in the end it's all worth it I mean I can see him living with me and Shilo and us all living together in an apartment together but I just dont know if he can see that. I'm so insecure it's just sometimes I cant help it being in love has made me this way I mean last night I did nothing but watch videos of me and him and ones he didnt know I took and the one that really made me feel happy was one where I made it before he was coming over. I talked about how we were going to have sex when my mom and g left. Then I lit up everytime my phone went "boom boom boom boom boom boom boom you have a message" I got so happy and said thats him right now and it was about the ex :). He made me so happy I'm so happy I have video memories since I erased all pictures of him while trying to purge him from my life. If I could take that back I so would I was sitting in Patrick's room and that whole day g had been telling me how I had to let him go and the hardest part was erasing his pictures I had so many of us that made us look so happy but I did it even tho it hurt. Then I went to the videos and I just couldn't do it. I didnt know why I just cudnt. I guess even when all signs say go right sometimes I still go left. I love him so much and my fingers are so crossed that we end up back together and I'll keep this updated,,,,ill prolly post again like tomorrow night unless I get home late from work because I really dont see this wondering thing going away lol but he prolly wont reply on FB i just appreciate that he even said anything. :)

                                                                              ♥ Cassidy ♥

The Day After Thanksgiving!

So I woke up Thanksgiving thinking about how the day was going to be okay and lame and suckish all day, but still I spread good cheer sent out "Happy Thinksgiving"s to all my good friends and talking lots to my bffs. My future and life got changed at exactly 1:39 am the day after Thanksgiving. My ex called me and he has changed his perspective on life he's coming back to Iowa on January 1st coincidentally the day I head back to Iowa from my vacation. This has made me change my whole perspective on things. I don't have to go to him after high school hes gonna be here with me and our relationship or lack there of, is going to be decided here. :) I don't believe I've ever been so excited for the future to get here! I want us to get back together so badly but if he doesn't feel the same as he told me on FB not even a month ago, then I'm putting my whole heart out there and either getting everything I feel in return or just passing out in failure. I watched One Tree Hill today and I heard an amazing quote on there that I felt totally connected me and him together just as I've found certain songs to like "always be my baby" or "the hardest thing" The quote was simple, but like I said so true. "If you find someone out there to give your heart to you're lucky and when you're the luckiest you also find that person will return in giving their heart to you too"I feel like me and him did give our hearts to each other and idk how he feels but I never got mine back because it still belongs to him. If I'm putting my heart out there and he's not it's going to hurt like hell, but you will never find love if you don't put your heart out there to feel love. I feel like with him coming back to town, I get to try all over again. He told me he didn't want long distance but now he's gonna be back and if he has any other excuses I'll know he's just not into me anymore but at least I'll know. My mom thinks it won't be long and we will be back together but my faith is like the wind tonight. It's going this way it's going that way and it just can't settle on one position. The love I feel for him has been there ever since he moved to North Carolina and hasn't wavered once. The heartache never went away, the would've, could've, should've's remained and now I just can't wait to see if anything happens. I just had to make a blog post about how happy I am..the sun came out when he told me the news and I just didn't get on the computer till now.The only thing for sure is that when he comes back I can't make the first move I might ask questions like I did when he was back last time, but if we get back together it'll be him doing the asking ;) That's all for now checkback for heartache or happiness only the future will decide.. :)

                                                                                 ♥Cassidy♥

Its On...Again lol

So lots has happened and I'm very happy to say me and my ex are definitely not over yet and hopefully that yet isn't gonna be there. We decided that this summer I will go out to NC and possibly be staying if we decide that we are in fact going to be together. He says he's leaving like tomorrow so I guess it's back to same ole same ole boring place and no more wondering how he feels he feels like I feel we could be meant to be. This is amazing but I can't help but wonder what if he decides he doesn't wanna be with me and I waited 6 months to be rejected thats the sad part of all this but my fiend Ashley seems so think we're meant to be and she hasnt even met him yet so maybe I'm just doubting myself and I should stop because maybe he will take me back and somehow we will walk off into the sunset....he told me that he actually hasnt had sex since me can u believe it? I like was smiling so much when he told me that but I feel like if we were to have sex before he leaves that would just leave me wanting more and then realize after that he is gone and the best i will get for a while is maybe 5 texts from him then it'll go back to where he focuses on his life out there and doesn't want me just wants to work and enjoy his life. But then in June I will get on a plane that leads out there and I guess we will see. Days ago I have to admit this was all over I lost hope for us I was just a wounded puppy dog who lost her toy but when he told me that hes not totally over me that filled me with hope. Hope for the future hope for us just hope that we are not over and maybe we wont end. I look towards him being the love of my life ik its cliche but i believe it's true that he is. He came into my life unexpectedly and it just worked. Idk if he's afraid but I kinda feel he is I mean ik this trip was about another personal affair that had his full attention but the only time he hung out with me he caught me off guard and thats it thats the last time i go to see him this does make me think he's scared but maybe I'm not seeing something. Maybe he thinks I'm fragile or crazy or something and he's walking around on eggshells telling me he still likes me and he really dont but maybe he does maybe he loves me still and he couldn't get over me too. Idk i really enjoyed seeing him and talking to him and were permanantly friends on fb no more of that unfriending immature breakup stuff just occassionally checking out statuses and stuff but hopefully we'll be best friends forever and best friends make the best lovers haha just saying we made a great couple and i believe we can once again all we have to do is give it one more shot :) I'm ready this summer I hope he wants to too :) <3      
                     ♥ Cassidy ♥

He Don't Love Me....It's Really Over

I wrote a poem about me and Zach I hope you like it...or not


He came from out of no where
I didn’t expect him to care
One night in November
of my facebook friends list he did become a member
He said hey
I said whats up and asked about his day
He told me it wasnt great
I somehow couldn’t see that he wanted to date
Days went by he didn’t log in
I figured it just happened again
Another boy who showed interest
just wanted to talk at best
But then one day I logged in and he claimed i saw you today
I thought about it and then had the nerve to say
You looked weird your not what I expected
I think he felt disrespected
Still when he got a phone he gave me his number
I saw it and pretended to slumber
Then one day I remember that day I decided to stop being a bitch
I texted him and he texted back we texted the whole night showing me i was being a witch
A few weeks later we went on a date
To the movies but we were late 
The movie was good we watched it all the way through
Kids did kick our chairs this is true
After the movie in the car we went to his spot
the windows steamed so the car mustve gotten hot
I was taken but I wanted him that whole night
but still I never put up a fight
It was like 2 days 
Till I changed my faithful ways
We got together in his car on Valentine’s
Man do I reget those times 
Those times when I had him he was mine and I let him go 
When I think about those times I’m at an all-time low
Anyways we made out and I found one dental flaw
He had to pick up his dad so I made up a lie that was raw
I couldn’t get over liking him and we still texted
even though over cheating on my ex i fretted
It only took one more hang with Zach
to figure out I needed to end my faithfulness lack
He broke up me in February soon after my birthday
I was devastated I didn’t know what to say
I sent Zach away and he went to Logan
The following Monday this lead to a trojan
Having sex with Zach the first time was rushed but I needed it 
We cuddled in his car in the next few hours and our candle of romance was now lit
It took him a week or so but he finally asked me
He asked me if his girlfriend I would be..
He really showed me what love is
Crazy to think it all started with a kiss
We had crazy times in my room
All it did was help our relationship bloom
He surprised me when he picked me up
Especially since I can only pick up my pup
But there were times he went away
He went to Logan every weekend as he may
We fought about this quite a few times
Still it never opened my eyes
Thats not all we fought about which caused us strife
There was also a lot about me and my prior life
It ripped at our relationship
It was really bad we started to tip
Somehow we stayed afloat
but I knew deep down he still wanted to find a safety boat
Months flew by we were happy as can be
A breakup in our future I did not see
It was a dumb test I gave him
But with it our light went dim
We solved it but the crack still remained
For both of us it still rained
In June it was decided he was going on vacation
A week after he’d been there it turned to a staycation
He called and ended it 
And that’s the end the candle of us is no longer lit

Goin it Alone Now

Whats it feel like to have your whole world crashing down around you? It feels like tonight it feels a lot like tonight. Tonight I found out the person I trusted the most in the world I can't trust to have my back or even understand me or anything. I'm just done my mom and me were done at least I'm done telling her anything important. So my brother comes home and threatens me for telling my mom's husband about a possible drug dealing leading a threat for him getting kicked out. Well mom told Mike to back off and everything so I was like good and stayed to myself. But then after she went home I was in the kitchen and I overheard her make a phone call to the husband and she made Mike the victim! She also claimed that anything I tell him he will believe and she doesn't even have to talk to him because I tell him everything before she even has a chance to tell him. Wow this frustrated me but since I was spying I wasn't about to go all ape shit on her ass and then after she got the husband to say he'd call Mike and apologize for accusing him I was walking away and grabbed a water. Well then not even 3m later I heard her be like so yah Mike he's going to call and apologize and blah blah blah so I again went to go spy. In this convo she actually told Mike if he's gonna do anything to go back far enough in the woods so it cudnt be detected and pretty much not get caught by little miss tattle tale me. I'm so mad I've trusted her with everything, everything about pretty much all guys in my life prior to and before Zach and that's just really fucked up that she plays it like that. Well I hope she enjoys me while I'm here this shit is like done I'm not telling her anything secret I'm not telling her if I meet anyone she will be my goto for work and school and that is it. If I have any suspicions about Mike they will stay to myself. I just I can't even believe she would throw me under the bus like that apparently in her books we're only bffs when it suits her and when it doesn't anymore for the night then its like screw me and cover her ass. Well fuck that she can tell Mike, her husband, and whoever the hell else she wants to not to believe me I won't say shit to them or her. My business will stay mine and she can just go fuckin jump off a bridge for all I care Christmas can't come fast enough I need to get out of here this place sucks more than usual. I just have suspicions about pot smoking so I tell the truth and it makes me a tattle tale what the fuck ever senior year get over fast I'm done with this bullshit I'm ready to get away from my family who needs em anyways besides my sister she's usually on my side :). You know people say it's hard to go it alone I guess it's time to find out...but anyways thanks for listening whoevers out there more of my life drama next time on Cassidy's World Turns lol brothers suck sisters keep shining :)                                                                                                  ♥ Cassidy ♥

FUCKING MORNINGS U SUCK

Fucking Pissed OFF like no joke for real dude my fuck landlord is fuckin coming over at 8 in the morning and pounding the shit out of fuckin shit in the duplex next to me because of my old neighbors who fuckin destroyed it in there so hes putting new walls, a new bathroom, and whatever the fuck else needs replaced in that fuckin house!!!! I would like to take this time to say fuckin thank you old neighbors who fuckin looked like jesus and had some kind of fucked up motel running there having like fuckin 20 people staying the night at a time. THANK FUCKING YOU for destroying the house over there and making my landlord wake me the fuck up every morning seriously guys THANK YOU !!!!! Ugh im so fucking pissed and hahaha the best part of this my ex knew them too so im gonna thank him too THANK YOU Zach for knowing these fucking LITERAL HOMEWRECKERS that are fuckin making me not able to sleep THANK FUCKING YOU!!! I have to work in like 35m  and I've had a total of 6 hours FUNNY thats how long i fucking work today too!!!! Oh and I would like to thank Gregg for not doing a fucking thing to tell the landlord not to do it next to my fucking room and just say oh he wont listen to me hes redoing that house he'll do what he wants...WELL THEANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH FOR DOING NOTHING AT ALL TO FUCKING MAKE HIM STOP I MEAN REALLY GREGG YOU'VE GOTTA BE MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS!!! MY FUCKING DAY IS NOW FUCKING RUINED SO THANK YOU KYLE AND THANK YOU ZACH AND THANK YOU PREVIOUS RENTERS AND THANK YOU GREGG!!!  I mean really I wouldnt've gotten here without you guys seriously it really helps me. Oh and an update on Zach hes going into the army infantry some shit like that so that era is just OVER GOOD LUCK ZACH TRY NOT TO FUCKING DIE OR DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT! Hey good news is with all this fucking anger my day can only go more downhill from here =)
                                                                                                                                         ♥ Cassidy ♥

Hmmm idk

So it's Saturday night and I'm just sittin here kinda bored. Maybe I wudnt be if i could finally learn to drive but mom keeps finding activities on our only available day to go and try to get the permit so idk how thats gonna happen. So I'm not in the best place to be talking to anyone lately cuz it's either that i talk to much or i ask too many questions except to my 2 bffs ashley and shilo theyre my girls right now. Shilo and me getting an apartment is actually my safety net if Zach lets go. She's all for it and hell why wudnt I be i get out of the house from my babied brother and the babier my mother. We used to be so so close and now I just feel like i cant trust her at all anymore she's just not the person to talk to. The one constant in my life right now is whenever there's a problem or something that happens to me all I think is I wanna tell Zach or I wanna talk to him about it. It's hard to stop depending on someone you're in love with but I have to figure out a way because all I'm doing is just holding on as he slips away into the darkness haha that was pretty good maybe I should try writing a story lol. One interesting thing was said by him last night tho i said he moved on and he said asking "I have" so maybe that's still there God i hope it is but who knows maybe he does see me like Nikki still like he did right after we broke up and hes just talking to me till he finds someone else idk i havent seen him in months now i find moments where im walking out of school and i think if he hadn't left he'd be right outside the door then walking beside me holding my hand asking me about my day taking me home then staying with me till 12 then going home and still texting me till i fall asleep and idk it just hurts a lot sometimes. Look at me being a baby crying my eyes out over just something i type im so lame sometimes that's prolly why all guys walk out of my life and just dont look back much at all i just get too attached and then someone pulls the rug out from under my feet and i land on my back wondering what just happened and lost.


♥ Cassidy ♥

Shaking MAD!!

Ok so I needed to talk about this and no one's texting back so I decided to write it on here. It's 11 at night and my brother has his tv at the level of like fuckin 45 or something and wont shut his fucking door! I decided to let it go and then I wanted to go find Lou to put him in my room with me and surprise! he was in My brother's room. Well I decided to take this opportunity to politely say turn your fucking  tv down or shut your door so he tells me that the volume is at level 5. I go to check the volume and he's up fast than u can snap ur fingers with the eyes of Satan so I was like thats exactly what I thought turn ur fuckin tv down and he says no so I go towards the buttons and then he raises a fucking fist at me so I'm getting fuckin pissed and then I watch wwe and when they start a match its both hands used to get the upper hand so i went hand-to-hand against him three times and each time more agresssion im just fuckin pissed of as fuck like wtf why cant u just turn it down so then he fuckin tries to use his shoulders and against me i about fuckin climbed on that bed and took his ass down but i held tight and just used my feet for kicking and hands to grapple with him. So then I finally gave up and was like fuck this walked out closing the door and said go to bed. He opened it and said no. I went back and shut it again he got up and opened it this time i turned around and i got that doorknob and i held on tight and shut that fuckin door then he got it in his control so then i fuckin pulled as hard as i could and i won! :) this wasn't a victory all to me tho i held tight knowing he would come back thinking i gave up. When he came back I was ready and he didnt even move the door a cm so the hes like getting cocky and tries to use his fuckin muscles and shit and gets the door a little well my hands have gotten sweaty so im forced to release and he fuckin wins. He then puts his hands on the door holding it open so i rammed into him moving him off the door to get it slightly shut he then pulls it back open so this time i use my fuckin legs to kick him and make him release ahhh i got like prolly a centimeter from his dick so he's pissed he gets that look of satan on his face and lunges at me so then i say u wanna fuckin swing at me ill swing back i can take ya so then i push his ass off the door and he swiftly turns around to keep ahold of the door and i was fuckin winded so i was like fuck it u cant hold the door forever ill get it you little fucker and head back to my room. By the time I got back to my room my fuckin hands are shaking like crazy and im pissed as fuck. This scares me idk how the fuck I'm gonna be able to take this shit for another 9 months at least. I feel like I just wanna find a gun cock it put it to his heart and pop it! I'm just so fuckin pissed i feel like i wanna do that or have mike hit me really hard and then i can call the cops saying an adult hit me and bruised me. I'm just so pissed but my bff shilo just texted me so thanks for listening and being there for me to say shit 


                                                                                                                                      ♥Cassidy♥

Dumpage

So I dated Patrick again this time oooh ooh 3 days whooptidoodledingdong! He dumped me at 1:47 this morning he said "theres never a right time to say goodbye i will alwise love u" thats how he wrote it now if u look closely at those words you can see they've been classic songs at some point in time. I think it's lame he dumped me because I couldn't like stand up to my friend hannah for calling him shit but to be honest why i couldn't is because i knew that it was all true what she said. So back to the drawing board on my love life haha. Zach and me are also done in case ur wondering about that it had to do with nude pictures being sent its a big regret but u cant fix em all so I guess that's done at least for a while ;). I'd still wanna be with him cuz he's my boobear :P but if he don't hey thats his choice and like I said back to the drawing board. Hey I got a song for Patrick too since he gave me two songs haha ill give him the song "Another one Bites the Dust" :P I told Zach that I got dumped and all he could say was wow so idk maybe we are done I just hope not he's the best boyfriend I've had so far. I at some points of my life even see him as my soulmate. Crazy huh?! I'm a silly teenager who fell for her first love just didnt lose my virginity to him. The best sex we ever had was this one time in the dark and its said by some people if its not difficult to find someone or something in the dark then it's just meant to be so right now my love life is a sinking ship but who knows maybe I just havent found the buckets to scoop the water out and theyre yet to come I'll just have to see. So I'm really worried about this whole not being able to save money thing b/c if i dont get zach then I need an apartment here. Things suck at my house my brother annoys the fuck out of me and all I hear from mom is how well he's doing so if I could leave already I'd be on a plane and out there next paycheck b/c I think deep down what's making me and Zach have probs is distance it's not pictures, its not other guys or girls, its not even jealousy that his mom is out there its just me and him struggling to hold our breath in underwater distance and when that distance is broken. There'll be nothing holding us back from being together. I could be wrong but thats my view of things idk maybe he does just hate me and were done but to be honest i think all that needs to be done for fixing is breaking that distance because then see I dont think things bother us as much if were there to fix problems but with us having distance that makes it harder cuz we can't look in each other's eyes and know if they're sorry we cant hug them and feel if the passion is still there,  we cant kiss each other's lips and feel the electrictity that shows that we never wanna lose that person. All we have is words and when there's more than that that's when u really find out if its over or if its fixable :) Thanksgiving I get to see him again and I swear on my mom's life that I'm gonna do my best to grab ahold of us again when he's here and if not i'll let go and just be friends and start looking for apartments out here....


                                                                                                                                         ♥Cassidy♥

Bored Ha

So I'm just sitting here and bored so I thot I'd make a new post. Sooo I'm listening to my iPod player and its fun cuz my music is awesome ha. No one is texting me but I'm waiting to find out if I'm gonna hang with a friend they're cool and the eyes are adorable on the friend ha so it shud be cool as soon as they decide to text me. It really irritates me when someone asks if u wanna hang and then when ur ready to u just cant get ahold of them it just kinda ugs me its like wtf why ask me to hang if ur gonna do that shit ha! So school was cool i got a c on my science powerpoint over the Spinosaurus  and then in gov my teacher literally said shut up 3x so that was interesting I think it's close to impossible on pep rally day for kids to wanna learn in class rather than be at a pep rally even if it's still a period away. Economics was cool we watched 5 minutes of despicable me and then the announcements called for C wing (mine) so i prepared to something daring. Something so daring and dangerous it was like a death mission I looked right and I looked left and all I heard was chaos coming from both ends so then I dashed out the doors making sure to hide in the trees and then I did cartwheels across the street to Walgreen's...nah I didnt but how cool. wud it be if  i had i wouldve been like cat woman or something lolz. I'm a silly girl it's true but the only person my mission felt like a death mission to was me about every other kid at school can skip and not even look back. If u haven't figured it out I skipped the pep rally cuz idk call me crazy but I'm not mrs. school spirit so I dont really feel a need to go to a pep rally to see all the classmates dance around n shit itll prolly be on fb in a few days if its anything good anyways so its w.e. Wow that took 15 minutes ha Idk im lame not much to say I <3 ZLM ha idk what else to say so randomness haha.! Wait one thing thats really weird is i keep waking up in the morning and I can see zach like laying next to me and he's like good morning beautiful so i dont think thats normal and its kinda random so appropriate for this blog post haha! I love velveeta shells right now im like obsessed with them lolz! I only like pepperoni on pizza and I like thin crust! I only barf one time in the year annually! I wanna own a tan vehicle when I get older cuz why? cuz itll look sexy ha! I like to dance with my hobo! I'm so obsessed with The O.C. and Smallville that I'm gonna own all the seasons of both in sets! My head keeps randomly itching so I prolly need a shower.! My bff shilo just texted me.! I'm not having sex again till i get married.! btw these are random facts about myself ha I'm just listing randomness hahahaha ill keep goin..I love pink.! But who doesnt?! Ummmm I work at taco bell and hate eating taco bell! :) I don't like being single and I'm looking! I dance around my room listening to music every night with the door closed and I actually think I'm good ha.! I wanna cry when I think about Zach in NC because I believe he belongs here I just found him too late.! I love jujubes and I have them gone in like 2 days.! I have a suicidal best friend that I don't get to talk to anymore cuz they distance themself from evryone.! I was proposed to today as a joke but the last name actually went with my first name.! I have a papsmear set for Tuesday and I kinda don't wanna see the results cuz I've been wiping up.! I looked sexy as fuck yesterday.! :P I could use an ice cream cone right now.! I really want a boyfriend to hold me and kiss me and stuff I sometimes feel really lost without one.! I probably shudntve given a guy i just met 40 dollars to get his truck out of impound..! I make foolish choices and my bank account suffers from it.! I actually think I have a nice singing voice even tho it really sucks.! This blog post is prolly really done so it's time to end it.!
                                                                                                                             ♥Cassidy♥

SHOCKER!! Not!

So I talked to Zach tonight and that was great as long as it lasted he even gave me hmmm hang on let me count...3 smiley faces so thats good :). However talking to him was the high point of my night because the rest sucked. Whoever is reading this...never buy an HP Mini ive had to restore it to factory settings 3x since I've owned it and it hasnt even been a year!..I think next computer will be desktop if anything fuck dude im tired of losing all my cute pix i take of me it doesnt happen very often lmao.! Beyond Zach there's more to my love life than him or shall i say lack there of one because I've decided to close the book on that of mine until I can be with him unless he's taken. Which has actually become an option as of tonight i found out a girl has his number ha so I guess destiny will sort that out. Him giving a girl his number is great cuz it's what i want for him but also kind of embarrassing because before that I told him he's my soulmate so yahhh haha wish I would've known about the girl that kinda put myself out there more than I wanted to be....I believe he could be my soulmate but if god has another better plan for him that idk about i guess thats something well have to see about. I really wouldn't blame him if he found someone else because I've recently had a revelation and idk how he's gonna take it I mean he might not want me like he did before but I've recently decided after not having sex for 3 months or close to it since he left I like it and I'm gonna wait to have any sexual interaction until after I'm married. I just think it's for the best and if the right one can't wait till then that would make that person not the one for me. If there was one thing I could go back and change it would be to be a virgin and be proud of it. When I lost it I was silly and I had mixed ideas about masturbating where I wanted something bigger and what I really did is just throw my life into a slutty spirally mess and it just didn't help me having a relationship when it came time to at all. Anyways idk if u noticed the title but if u watched big brother this season ude know that's the very monstrous girl Danielle's saying and she got a huge shocker tonight when RACHEL WON THE GAME!!!! I'm so happy!!! :) SUCK ON THAT DANIELLE THE GIRL U TRIED TO GET OUT 5x THIS SEASON WON AND ALSO SENT UR ASS PACKING MAYBE U SHUDVE STUCK WITH THE VETERANS STUPID NASTY BITCH WHO NO ONE LIKES !!!! :) Ahhh that felt good cuz its sooo true if she hadnt left her alliance she couldve won the game but she threw them away and her enemy from that alliance won the game whatevs thats all in her face!!! :D The next part of this is really sad so get ready to cry...So my baby, Randy Orton has only held the title for a month since he earned it back from a whiny baby and then what does the very bright Smackdown general manager do? He says the winner of an over-the-top-rope battle royal will be number one contender..No one can throw Mark Henry over that rope so of course my baby now has to face him!!! :O He's doing nothing but cheap shots with chairs, his own belt and his finishing manuveur. My baby could die in this match and Mark Henry has been in the business for 15yrs as he keeps saying so why does he deserve to just wake up one day and decide he wants to be the champ when he pretty much slept the rest of his career away? He doesn't! My baby does not deserve to deal with this monstrosity and I truly believe that someone should start a petition cuz he cant have an injury Smackdown is NOTHING without my baby.. :(. Either way my prayers go out to him on this sunday at Night of Champions as well as for Kelly Kelly! She's amazing and idc who calls her a barbie doll she ain't fake and she's kept the title just as she will sunday the divas just need to face theyre jealous thats she's pretty and a champ and that's just something you gotta deal with in life sometimes. Of course always Cenation but he don't need my prayers that little car renting mexican don't stand a chance against Cena so I won't even think about that. But I will be watching results on FB :) TV's my life until I get my life truly started or I hang with any certain someones :). My life will never be truly started till I'm surrounded by four walls and mom is not in anyway on the side of them be that here or in NC. I look forward to starting my future as I believe it can have a potential to be great as long as me and Zach end up together and if not if we both find great people to be with (but i hope it's Zach xD) Well I think that's about it I lay down in like a half an hour and i gotta pee so yep that's all btw i really appreciate anyone who reads this and even if not at least there's someone I share all my feelings with when no one else will talk to me if I were to say this to most people they'd just say yeah or oh or something like that lol it's alright tho at least I have a soapbox somewhere ;)
                                                                                                                                   ♥ Cassidy ♥

Hmm... :'(

So my life isn't so great right now or say my love life isn't altho my family life isn't too much better. For starters I have a bit of a cold so that doesn't feel good at all. Tonight I was forced to really take a look at Zach and what's happening with us. It took me yesterday and today to put together the fact that him moving to North Carolina has actually made it so I'm not number one priority in his life and he is still the number one in mine. What really sucks for me is that I'm not even number two i think im anywhere from 10 and up.:( I just dont know what to do I wanna cry I think this guy could be my future and everything and it's just getting so hard idk how to do this. I'm thinking should I just say he moved he dont want you and you're just being pitied when he talks to you and if thats true to be honest I could feel like the dumbest person on the planet. He told me he's felt like I dont fit into his life since my last boyfriend but we only dated for five days i just idk i feel like i can never move him down from being a number one priority and it sucks because like i said I think in his life my number is like ten and on. I just I wanna know how to either fix it so I can be a number one or move him down cuz i just idk it doesn't seem like it's gonna work anymore hes changing so much :'(. He got 2 tattoos, he's prolly closer with his brother than me, hell idk he's probably back to being nice to his ex. I just idk i had this perfect plan. i would move out there when i graduate and then we'd be back together and he'd just idk be like waiting for me. Thats not very nice of me to want him to just pause his life and want me but i feel like my life is on resume and i can't stop thinking about how much i wanna be there with him. I just feel like when he sees me im just gonna be that girl he used to date and he'll be so changed he wont want me anymore and i can't shake this feeling that hes going to find someone else. I mean I want him to because I wanna see if he can get attached to someone like he did to me but it'll just sting a lot because my feelings are so strong for him. I would text him but idk me and him texting works about as well as us talking on the phone anymore. I love him so much I just feel like he doesnt feel a need to have me in his life anymore so idk what to do it just really hurts and I'm gonna stop typing now so i can stop crying i just wanted to get it all out there....thanks for listening haha... :'(
                                                                                ♥ Cassidy ♥