My Life as of Right Now.

So I opened up my laptop and I wanted to write a blog about where my life is right now. I got great news tonight, I'm one of the top cashiers at my job :). This should've made me do nothing but boast but to be honest idk why but it put me in a bad mood. I was in the worst mood tonight I just couldn't get rid of this gray cloud hanging over my head. My face wouldn't change it was just a sucky night. I think I know what caused it though. On Tuesday night I took all my month of November paychecks and  I went shopping and by the end of the night I was left with 13 dollars but I got every single item of clothing that I wanted. This should have made me happy right? That's what I think too I mean it's just money and now I can look great everyday but idk I just cant stand to look at myself long because of spending that much. I'm the kind of girl that thinks when this kind of thing happens a guy should comfort her and tell her it's okay and just bring a little sunshine to the world. The only guy I can think of to do so is miles away and still not even showing if he'd want to be with me. Tonight I talked to him on IM for facebook and he pretty much couldn't be serious at all and all he wanted to talk about was poking me with something. I just wish sometime he could like grow up I mean he's older than me and I act more mature. Idk im just in a bad mood tonight.But anyways my life right now...passing sociology and legal studies apps even impressing my teachers maybe. Not eating regular meals with my work hours the way they are. Freezing outside, yeah today it snowed. My closet is packet with clothes. I've recently discovered that I love doing laundry and I have to fight mom to let me do it. I still love Pink. I probably will be getting like dollar gifts for people's Christmas this year even having a job. I still suck at saving money but this time I got to 441 so I'm getting better. I hope I'm able to provide more for my kids when I have some which one i've been wishing I had lately. It's starting to sink in that soon I will no longer be attending school. I think I'm getting sick so work tomorrow and Saturday should be fun anyways Happy Holidays love anyone who reads this including a special guy if he does xP

                                                                     ♥ Cassidy ♥

bebbbbbbbbso my best friend ashley has her phone off so i guess thats why she hasnt been texting me i was wonering why my phone isnt like going off nonstop like usual but ig now ik. so these girls from work mikalyla and michelle are starting to talk to me and its really weird but im always down for more friends so im rolin with it its just weird and makes me wonder what they want from me im not like them they drink like every night and unlike them i dont have a boyfriend. i could have a bf soon but like i said last night fingers crossed i dont know whats going to happen i just hope it happens. i seriusly doubt hes even thinking about it as much as i am im like obsessed with trying to figure out whats going to happen i just really wanna know like i said i want that crystal ball to look into the future and show how everything is going to turn out. the way it sounds is hes just living and not even worrying about when he gets back which is good unless it meanis im wasting my time thinking about it which is not wat im thinking at all just a little bit cuz i mean i could be he could think im a crazy person and be reading all my new blogs thinking wow its so stalkerish that she wont forget about me but on the other hand he could be thinking wow shes never gonna forget about me maybe i should give us another shot. idk i cant speculate it just sucks i wanna figure this out so bad its like a puzzle im stuck in the middle and i just cant find the piece that goes with the piece im holding right now ugrghhhh... :/ thanks for listening again... :)

Uncertain Thoughts..

As I told you last night my ex is coming back to Iowa in January and this is a great thing in my opinion. :) The only thing is it's causing me insomnia I cant stop wondering if or just what's going to happen and I missed a chance to talk to him tonight too I found out out an hr or a little less afterwards. :( He said I see your butt and of course this made me like wtf how could he lol but anyways so now I have all these wonders and the pathetic part is that I cant find anyone to talk to about how I feel about him besides my loyal companion, Pepper. He's a great listener and he does not judge or respond with rude remarks or ones that fill me with hope that I shouldn't have at all yet. I keep wondering will he ask me out when he comes back, is he thinking about me out there in Nc, Does he dream about me, Is he even thinking about this like me, does he even care about me or is it just all about his family, is he too afraid to say hes over me, will he even call when he gets back or just text, will he always be busy and never be free, does he even wanna see me or just basically his family and just wanna be friends. There's just endless questions and i keep wondering if they will be answered or not and just he'll mostly hang with his family. My mom is living in this fantasy and just thinks me and him are meant to be and it really doesnt help with my doubts because all she's doing is looking at the positive. He even told me when he visited Iowa last time that in order to get back together there wud have to be lots of talking and in the end sometimes talking leads to a negative decision which scares me :/. Sometimes I just wish I had a magic crystal ball to see how things will turn out. That might take the fun out of life but idk. I hope in the end it's all worth it I mean I can see him living with me and Shilo and us all living together in an apartment together but I just dont know if he can see that. I'm so insecure it's just sometimes I cant help it being in love has made me this way I mean last night I did nothing but watch videos of me and him and ones he didnt know I took and the one that really made me feel happy was one where I made it before he was coming over. I talked about how we were going to have sex when my mom and g left. Then I lit up everytime my phone went "boom boom boom boom boom boom boom you have a message" I got so happy and said thats him right now and it was about the ex :). He made me so happy I'm so happy I have video memories since I erased all pictures of him while trying to purge him from my life. If I could take that back I so would I was sitting in Patrick's room and that whole day g had been telling me how I had to let him go and the hardest part was erasing his pictures I had so many of us that made us look so happy but I did it even tho it hurt. Then I went to the videos and I just couldn't do it. I didnt know why I just cudnt. I guess even when all signs say go right sometimes I still go left. I love him so much and my fingers are so crossed that we end up back together and I'll keep this updated,,,,ill prolly post again like tomorrow night unless I get home late from work because I really dont see this wondering thing going away lol but he prolly wont reply on FB i just appreciate that he even said anything. :)

                                                                              ♥ Cassidy ♥

The Day After Thanksgiving!

So I woke up Thanksgiving thinking about how the day was going to be okay and lame and suckish all day, but still I spread good cheer sent out "Happy Thinksgiving"s to all my good friends and talking lots to my bffs. My future and life got changed at exactly 1:39 am the day after Thanksgiving. My ex called me and he has changed his perspective on life he's coming back to Iowa on January 1st coincidentally the day I head back to Iowa from my vacation. This has made me change my whole perspective on things. I don't have to go to him after high school hes gonna be here with me and our relationship or lack there of, is going to be decided here. :) I don't believe I've ever been so excited for the future to get here! I want us to get back together so badly but if he doesn't feel the same as he told me on FB not even a month ago, then I'm putting my whole heart out there and either getting everything I feel in return or just passing out in failure. I watched One Tree Hill today and I heard an amazing quote on there that I felt totally connected me and him together just as I've found certain songs to like "always be my baby" or "the hardest thing" The quote was simple, but like I said so true. "If you find someone out there to give your heart to you're lucky and when you're the luckiest you also find that person will return in giving their heart to you too"I feel like me and him did give our hearts to each other and idk how he feels but I never got mine back because it still belongs to him. If I'm putting my heart out there and he's not it's going to hurt like hell, but you will never find love if you don't put your heart out there to feel love. I feel like with him coming back to town, I get to try all over again. He told me he didn't want long distance but now he's gonna be back and if he has any other excuses I'll know he's just not into me anymore but at least I'll know. My mom thinks it won't be long and we will be back together but my faith is like the wind tonight. It's going this way it's going that way and it just can't settle on one position. The love I feel for him has been there ever since he moved to North Carolina and hasn't wavered once. The heartache never went away, the would've, could've, should've's remained and now I just can't wait to see if anything happens. I just had to make a blog post about how happy I am..the sun came out when he told me the news and I just didn't get on the computer till now.The only thing for sure is that when he comes back I can't make the first move I might ask questions like I did when he was back last time, but if we get back together it'll be him doing the asking ;) That's all for now checkback for heartache or happiness only the future will decide.. :)

                                                                                 ♥Cassidy♥

Its On...Again lol

So lots has happened and I'm very happy to say me and my ex are definitely not over yet and hopefully that yet isn't gonna be there. We decided that this summer I will go out to NC and possibly be staying if we decide that we are in fact going to be together. He says he's leaving like tomorrow so I guess it's back to same ole same ole boring place and no more wondering how he feels he feels like I feel we could be meant to be. This is amazing but I can't help but wonder what if he decides he doesn't wanna be with me and I waited 6 months to be rejected thats the sad part of all this but my fiend Ashley seems so think we're meant to be and she hasnt even met him yet so maybe I'm just doubting myself and I should stop because maybe he will take me back and somehow we will walk off into the sunset....he told me that he actually hasnt had sex since me can u believe it? I like was smiling so much when he told me that but I feel like if we were to have sex before he leaves that would just leave me wanting more and then realize after that he is gone and the best i will get for a while is maybe 5 texts from him then it'll go back to where he focuses on his life out there and doesn't want me just wants to work and enjoy his life. But then in June I will get on a plane that leads out there and I guess we will see. Days ago I have to admit this was all over I lost hope for us I was just a wounded puppy dog who lost her toy but when he told me that hes not totally over me that filled me with hope. Hope for the future hope for us just hope that we are not over and maybe we wont end. I look towards him being the love of my life ik its cliche but i believe it's true that he is. He came into my life unexpectedly and it just worked. Idk if he's afraid but I kinda feel he is I mean ik this trip was about another personal affair that had his full attention but the only time he hung out with me he caught me off guard and thats it thats the last time i go to see him this does make me think he's scared but maybe I'm not seeing something. Maybe he thinks I'm fragile or crazy or something and he's walking around on eggshells telling me he still likes me and he really dont but maybe he does maybe he loves me still and he couldn't get over me too. Idk i really enjoyed seeing him and talking to him and were permanantly friends on fb no more of that unfriending immature breakup stuff just occassionally checking out statuses and stuff but hopefully we'll be best friends forever and best friends make the best lovers haha just saying we made a great couple and i believe we can once again all we have to do is give it one more shot :) I'm ready this summer I hope he wants to too :) <3      
                     ♥ Cassidy ♥

He Don't Love Me....It's Really Over

I wrote a poem about me and Zach I hope you like it...or not


He came from out of no where
I didn’t expect him to care
One night in November
of my facebook friends list he did become a member
He said hey
I said whats up and asked about his day
He told me it wasnt great
I somehow couldn’t see that he wanted to date
Days went by he didn’t log in
I figured it just happened again
Another boy who showed interest
just wanted to talk at best
But then one day I logged in and he claimed i saw you today
I thought about it and then had the nerve to say
You looked weird your not what I expected
I think he felt disrespected
Still when he got a phone he gave me his number
I saw it and pretended to slumber
Then one day I remember that day I decided to stop being a bitch
I texted him and he texted back we texted the whole night showing me i was being a witch
A few weeks later we went on a date
To the movies but we were late 
The movie was good we watched it all the way through
Kids did kick our chairs this is true
After the movie in the car we went to his spot
the windows steamed so the car mustve gotten hot
I was taken but I wanted him that whole night
but still I never put up a fight
It was like 2 days 
Till I changed my faithful ways
We got together in his car on Valentine’s
Man do I reget those times 
Those times when I had him he was mine and I let him go 
When I think about those times I’m at an all-time low
Anyways we made out and I found one dental flaw
He had to pick up his dad so I made up a lie that was raw
I couldn’t get over liking him and we still texted
even though over cheating on my ex i fretted
It only took one more hang with Zach
to figure out I needed to end my faithfulness lack
He broke up me in February soon after my birthday
I was devastated I didn’t know what to say
I sent Zach away and he went to Logan
The following Monday this lead to a trojan
Having sex with Zach the first time was rushed but I needed it 
We cuddled in his car in the next few hours and our candle of romance was now lit
It took him a week or so but he finally asked me
He asked me if his girlfriend I would be..
He really showed me what love is
Crazy to think it all started with a kiss
We had crazy times in my room
All it did was help our relationship bloom
He surprised me when he picked me up
Especially since I can only pick up my pup
But there were times he went away
He went to Logan every weekend as he may
We fought about this quite a few times
Still it never opened my eyes
Thats not all we fought about which caused us strife
There was also a lot about me and my prior life
It ripped at our relationship
It was really bad we started to tip
Somehow we stayed afloat
but I knew deep down he still wanted to find a safety boat
Months flew by we were happy as can be
A breakup in our future I did not see
It was a dumb test I gave him
But with it our light went dim
We solved it but the crack still remained
For both of us it still rained
In June it was decided he was going on vacation
A week after he’d been there it turned to a staycation
He called and ended it 
And that’s the end the candle of us is no longer lit

Goin it Alone Now

Whats it feel like to have your whole world crashing down around you? It feels like tonight it feels a lot like tonight. Tonight I found out the person I trusted the most in the world I can't trust to have my back or even understand me or anything. I'm just done my mom and me were done at least I'm done telling her anything important. So my brother comes home and threatens me for telling my mom's husband about a possible drug dealing leading a threat for him getting kicked out. Well mom told Mike to back off and everything so I was like good and stayed to myself. But then after she went home I was in the kitchen and I overheard her make a phone call to the husband and she made Mike the victim! She also claimed that anything I tell him he will believe and she doesn't even have to talk to him because I tell him everything before she even has a chance to tell him. Wow this frustrated me but since I was spying I wasn't about to go all ape shit on her ass and then after she got the husband to say he'd call Mike and apologize for accusing him I was walking away and grabbed a water. Well then not even 3m later I heard her be like so yah Mike he's going to call and apologize and blah blah blah so I again went to go spy. In this convo she actually told Mike if he's gonna do anything to go back far enough in the woods so it cudnt be detected and pretty much not get caught by little miss tattle tale me. I'm so mad I've trusted her with everything, everything about pretty much all guys in my life prior to and before Zach and that's just really fucked up that she plays it like that. Well I hope she enjoys me while I'm here this shit is like done I'm not telling her anything secret I'm not telling her if I meet anyone she will be my goto for work and school and that is it. If I have any suspicions about Mike they will stay to myself. I just I can't even believe she would throw me under the bus like that apparently in her books we're only bffs when it suits her and when it doesn't anymore for the night then its like screw me and cover her ass. Well fuck that she can tell Mike, her husband, and whoever the hell else she wants to not to believe me I won't say shit to them or her. My business will stay mine and she can just go fuckin jump off a bridge for all I care Christmas can't come fast enough I need to get out of here this place sucks more than usual. I just have suspicions about pot smoking so I tell the truth and it makes me a tattle tale what the fuck ever senior year get over fast I'm done with this bullshit I'm ready to get away from my family who needs em anyways besides my sister she's usually on my side :). You know people say it's hard to go it alone I guess it's time to find out...but anyways thanks for listening whoevers out there more of my life drama next time on Cassidy's World Turns lol brothers suck sisters keep shining :)                                                                                                  ♥ Cassidy ♥

FUCKING MORNINGS U SUCK

Fucking Pissed OFF like no joke for real dude my fuck landlord is fuckin coming over at 8 in the morning and pounding the shit out of fuckin shit in the duplex next to me because of my old neighbors who fuckin destroyed it in there so hes putting new walls, a new bathroom, and whatever the fuck else needs replaced in that fuckin house!!!! I would like to take this time to say fuckin thank you old neighbors who fuckin looked like jesus and had some kind of fucked up motel running there having like fuckin 20 people staying the night at a time. THANK FUCKING YOU for destroying the house over there and making my landlord wake me the fuck up every morning seriously guys THANK YOU !!!!! Ugh im so fucking pissed and hahaha the best part of this my ex knew them too so im gonna thank him too THANK YOU Zach for knowing these fucking LITERAL HOMEWRECKERS that are fuckin making me not able to sleep THANK FUCKING YOU!!! I have to work in like 35m  and I've had a total of 6 hours FUNNY thats how long i fucking work today too!!!! Oh and I would like to thank Gregg for not doing a fucking thing to tell the landlord not to do it next to my fucking room and just say oh he wont listen to me hes redoing that house he'll do what he wants...WELL THEANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH FOR DOING NOTHING AT ALL TO FUCKING MAKE HIM STOP I MEAN REALLY GREGG YOU'VE GOTTA BE MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS!!! MY FUCKING DAY IS NOW FUCKING RUINED SO THANK YOU KYLE AND THANK YOU ZACH AND THANK YOU PREVIOUS RENTERS AND THANK YOU GREGG!!!  I mean really I wouldnt've gotten here without you guys seriously it really helps me. Oh and an update on Zach hes going into the army infantry some shit like that so that era is just OVER GOOD LUCK ZACH TRY NOT TO FUCKING DIE OR DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT! Hey good news is with all this fucking anger my day can only go more downhill from here =)
                                                                                                                                         ♥ Cassidy ♥

Hmmm idk

So it's Saturday night and I'm just sittin here kinda bored. Maybe I wudnt be if i could finally learn to drive but mom keeps finding activities on our only available day to go and try to get the permit so idk how thats gonna happen. So I'm not in the best place to be talking to anyone lately cuz it's either that i talk to much or i ask too many questions except to my 2 bffs ashley and shilo theyre my girls right now. Shilo and me getting an apartment is actually my safety net if Zach lets go. She's all for it and hell why wudnt I be i get out of the house from my babied brother and the babier my mother. We used to be so so close and now I just feel like i cant trust her at all anymore she's just not the person to talk to. The one constant in my life right now is whenever there's a problem or something that happens to me all I think is I wanna tell Zach or I wanna talk to him about it. It's hard to stop depending on someone you're in love with but I have to figure out a way because all I'm doing is just holding on as he slips away into the darkness haha that was pretty good maybe I should try writing a story lol. One interesting thing was said by him last night tho i said he moved on and he said asking "I have" so maybe that's still there God i hope it is but who knows maybe he does see me like Nikki still like he did right after we broke up and hes just talking to me till he finds someone else idk i havent seen him in months now i find moments where im walking out of school and i think if he hadn't left he'd be right outside the door then walking beside me holding my hand asking me about my day taking me home then staying with me till 12 then going home and still texting me till i fall asleep and idk it just hurts a lot sometimes. Look at me being a baby crying my eyes out over just something i type im so lame sometimes that's prolly why all guys walk out of my life and just dont look back much at all i just get too attached and then someone pulls the rug out from under my feet and i land on my back wondering what just happened and lost.


♥ Cassidy ♥

Shaking MAD!!

Ok so I needed to talk about this and no one's texting back so I decided to write it on here. It's 11 at night and my brother has his tv at the level of like fuckin 45 or something and wont shut his fucking door! I decided to let it go and then I wanted to go find Lou to put him in my room with me and surprise! he was in My brother's room. Well I decided to take this opportunity to politely say turn your fucking  tv down or shut your door so he tells me that the volume is at level 5. I go to check the volume and he's up fast than u can snap ur fingers with the eyes of Satan so I was like thats exactly what I thought turn ur fuckin tv down and he says no so I go towards the buttons and then he raises a fucking fist at me so I'm getting fuckin pissed and then I watch wwe and when they start a match its both hands used to get the upper hand so i went hand-to-hand against him three times and each time more agresssion im just fuckin pissed of as fuck like wtf why cant u just turn it down so then he fuckin tries to use his shoulders and against me i about fuckin climbed on that bed and took his ass down but i held tight and just used my feet for kicking and hands to grapple with him. So then I finally gave up and was like fuck this walked out closing the door and said go to bed. He opened it and said no. I went back and shut it again he got up and opened it this time i turned around and i got that doorknob and i held on tight and shut that fuckin door then he got it in his control so then i fuckin pulled as hard as i could and i won! :) this wasn't a victory all to me tho i held tight knowing he would come back thinking i gave up. When he came back I was ready and he didnt even move the door a cm so the hes like getting cocky and tries to use his fuckin muscles and shit and gets the door a little well my hands have gotten sweaty so im forced to release and he fuckin wins. He then puts his hands on the door holding it open so i rammed into him moving him off the door to get it slightly shut he then pulls it back open so this time i use my fuckin legs to kick him and make him release ahhh i got like prolly a centimeter from his dick so he's pissed he gets that look of satan on his face and lunges at me so then i say u wanna fuckin swing at me ill swing back i can take ya so then i push his ass off the door and he swiftly turns around to keep ahold of the door and i was fuckin winded so i was like fuck it u cant hold the door forever ill get it you little fucker and head back to my room. By the time I got back to my room my fuckin hands are shaking like crazy and im pissed as fuck. This scares me idk how the fuck I'm gonna be able to take this shit for another 9 months at least. I feel like I just wanna find a gun cock it put it to his heart and pop it! I'm just so fuckin pissed i feel like i wanna do that or have mike hit me really hard and then i can call the cops saying an adult hit me and bruised me. I'm just so pissed but my bff shilo just texted me so thanks for listening and being there for me to say shit 


                                                                                                                                      ♥Cassidy♥

Dumpage

So I dated Patrick again this time oooh ooh 3 days whooptidoodledingdong! He dumped me at 1:47 this morning he said "theres never a right time to say goodbye i will alwise love u" thats how he wrote it now if u look closely at those words you can see they've been classic songs at some point in time. I think it's lame he dumped me because I couldn't like stand up to my friend hannah for calling him shit but to be honest why i couldn't is because i knew that it was all true what she said. So back to the drawing board on my love life haha. Zach and me are also done in case ur wondering about that it had to do with nude pictures being sent its a big regret but u cant fix em all so I guess that's done at least for a while ;). I'd still wanna be with him cuz he's my boobear :P but if he don't hey thats his choice and like I said back to the drawing board. Hey I got a song for Patrick too since he gave me two songs haha ill give him the song "Another one Bites the Dust" :P I told Zach that I got dumped and all he could say was wow so idk maybe we are done I just hope not he's the best boyfriend I've had so far. I at some points of my life even see him as my soulmate. Crazy huh?! I'm a silly teenager who fell for her first love just didnt lose my virginity to him. The best sex we ever had was this one time in the dark and its said by some people if its not difficult to find someone or something in the dark then it's just meant to be so right now my love life is a sinking ship but who knows maybe I just havent found the buckets to scoop the water out and theyre yet to come I'll just have to see. So I'm really worried about this whole not being able to save money thing b/c if i dont get zach then I need an apartment here. Things suck at my house my brother annoys the fuck out of me and all I hear from mom is how well he's doing so if I could leave already I'd be on a plane and out there next paycheck b/c I think deep down what's making me and Zach have probs is distance it's not pictures, its not other guys or girls, its not even jealousy that his mom is out there its just me and him struggling to hold our breath in underwater distance and when that distance is broken. There'll be nothing holding us back from being together. I could be wrong but thats my view of things idk maybe he does just hate me and were done but to be honest i think all that needs to be done for fixing is breaking that distance because then see I dont think things bother us as much if were there to fix problems but with us having distance that makes it harder cuz we can't look in each other's eyes and know if they're sorry we cant hug them and feel if the passion is still there,  we cant kiss each other's lips and feel the electrictity that shows that we never wanna lose that person. All we have is words and when there's more than that that's when u really find out if its over or if its fixable :) Thanksgiving I get to see him again and I swear on my mom's life that I'm gonna do my best to grab ahold of us again when he's here and if not i'll let go and just be friends and start looking for apartments out here....


                                                                                                                                         ♥Cassidy♥

Bored Ha

So I'm just sitting here and bored so I thot I'd make a new post. Sooo I'm listening to my iPod player and its fun cuz my music is awesome ha. No one is texting me but I'm waiting to find out if I'm gonna hang with a friend they're cool and the eyes are adorable on the friend ha so it shud be cool as soon as they decide to text me. It really irritates me when someone asks if u wanna hang and then when ur ready to u just cant get ahold of them it just kinda ugs me its like wtf why ask me to hang if ur gonna do that shit ha! So school was cool i got a c on my science powerpoint over the Spinosaurus  and then in gov my teacher literally said shut up 3x so that was interesting I think it's close to impossible on pep rally day for kids to wanna learn in class rather than be at a pep rally even if it's still a period away. Economics was cool we watched 5 minutes of despicable me and then the announcements called for C wing (mine) so i prepared to something daring. Something so daring and dangerous it was like a death mission I looked right and I looked left and all I heard was chaos coming from both ends so then I dashed out the doors making sure to hide in the trees and then I did cartwheels across the street to Walgreen's...nah I didnt but how cool. wud it be if  i had i wouldve been like cat woman or something lolz. I'm a silly girl it's true but the only person my mission felt like a death mission to was me about every other kid at school can skip and not even look back. If u haven't figured it out I skipped the pep rally cuz idk call me crazy but I'm not mrs. school spirit so I dont really feel a need to go to a pep rally to see all the classmates dance around n shit itll prolly be on fb in a few days if its anything good anyways so its w.e. Wow that took 15 minutes ha Idk im lame not much to say I <3 ZLM ha idk what else to say so randomness haha.! Wait one thing thats really weird is i keep waking up in the morning and I can see zach like laying next to me and he's like good morning beautiful so i dont think thats normal and its kinda random so appropriate for this blog post haha! I love velveeta shells right now im like obsessed with them lolz! I only like pepperoni on pizza and I like thin crust! I only barf one time in the year annually! I wanna own a tan vehicle when I get older cuz why? cuz itll look sexy ha! I like to dance with my hobo! I'm so obsessed with The O.C. and Smallville that I'm gonna own all the seasons of both in sets! My head keeps randomly itching so I prolly need a shower.! My bff shilo just texted me.! I'm not having sex again till i get married.! btw these are random facts about myself ha I'm just listing randomness hahahaha ill keep goin..I love pink.! But who doesnt?! Ummmm I work at taco bell and hate eating taco bell! :) I don't like being single and I'm looking! I dance around my room listening to music every night with the door closed and I actually think I'm good ha.! I wanna cry when I think about Zach in NC because I believe he belongs here I just found him too late.! I love jujubes and I have them gone in like 2 days.! I have a suicidal best friend that I don't get to talk to anymore cuz they distance themself from evryone.! I was proposed to today as a joke but the last name actually went with my first name.! I have a papsmear set for Tuesday and I kinda don't wanna see the results cuz I've been wiping up.! I looked sexy as fuck yesterday.! :P I could use an ice cream cone right now.! I really want a boyfriend to hold me and kiss me and stuff I sometimes feel really lost without one.! I probably shudntve given a guy i just met 40 dollars to get his truck out of impound..! I make foolish choices and my bank account suffers from it.! I actually think I have a nice singing voice even tho it really sucks.! This blog post is prolly really done so it's time to end it.!
                                                                                                                             ♥Cassidy♥

SHOCKER!! Not!

So I talked to Zach tonight and that was great as long as it lasted he even gave me hmmm hang on let me count...3 smiley faces so thats good :). However talking to him was the high point of my night because the rest sucked. Whoever is reading this...never buy an HP Mini ive had to restore it to factory settings 3x since I've owned it and it hasnt even been a year!..I think next computer will be desktop if anything fuck dude im tired of losing all my cute pix i take of me it doesnt happen very often lmao.! Beyond Zach there's more to my love life than him or shall i say lack there of one because I've decided to close the book on that of mine until I can be with him unless he's taken. Which has actually become an option as of tonight i found out a girl has his number ha so I guess destiny will sort that out. Him giving a girl his number is great cuz it's what i want for him but also kind of embarrassing because before that I told him he's my soulmate so yahhh haha wish I would've known about the girl that kinda put myself out there more than I wanted to be....I believe he could be my soulmate but if god has another better plan for him that idk about i guess thats something well have to see about. I really wouldn't blame him if he found someone else because I've recently had a revelation and idk how he's gonna take it I mean he might not want me like he did before but I've recently decided after not having sex for 3 months or close to it since he left I like it and I'm gonna wait to have any sexual interaction until after I'm married. I just think it's for the best and if the right one can't wait till then that would make that person not the one for me. If there was one thing I could go back and change it would be to be a virgin and be proud of it. When I lost it I was silly and I had mixed ideas about masturbating where I wanted something bigger and what I really did is just throw my life into a slutty spirally mess and it just didn't help me having a relationship when it came time to at all. Anyways idk if u noticed the title but if u watched big brother this season ude know that's the very monstrous girl Danielle's saying and she got a huge shocker tonight when RACHEL WON THE GAME!!!! I'm so happy!!! :) SUCK ON THAT DANIELLE THE GIRL U TRIED TO GET OUT 5x THIS SEASON WON AND ALSO SENT UR ASS PACKING MAYBE U SHUDVE STUCK WITH THE VETERANS STUPID NASTY BITCH WHO NO ONE LIKES !!!! :) Ahhh that felt good cuz its sooo true if she hadnt left her alliance she couldve won the game but she threw them away and her enemy from that alliance won the game whatevs thats all in her face!!! :D The next part of this is really sad so get ready to cry...So my baby, Randy Orton has only held the title for a month since he earned it back from a whiny baby and then what does the very bright Smackdown general manager do? He says the winner of an over-the-top-rope battle royal will be number one contender..No one can throw Mark Henry over that rope so of course my baby now has to face him!!! :O He's doing nothing but cheap shots with chairs, his own belt and his finishing manuveur. My baby could die in this match and Mark Henry has been in the business for 15yrs as he keeps saying so why does he deserve to just wake up one day and decide he wants to be the champ when he pretty much slept the rest of his career away? He doesn't! My baby does not deserve to deal with this monstrosity and I truly believe that someone should start a petition cuz he cant have an injury Smackdown is NOTHING without my baby.. :(. Either way my prayers go out to him on this sunday at Night of Champions as well as for Kelly Kelly! She's amazing and idc who calls her a barbie doll she ain't fake and she's kept the title just as she will sunday the divas just need to face theyre jealous thats she's pretty and a champ and that's just something you gotta deal with in life sometimes. Of course always Cenation but he don't need my prayers that little car renting mexican don't stand a chance against Cena so I won't even think about that. But I will be watching results on FB :) TV's my life until I get my life truly started or I hang with any certain someones :). My life will never be truly started till I'm surrounded by four walls and mom is not in anyway on the side of them be that here or in NC. I look forward to starting my future as I believe it can have a potential to be great as long as me and Zach end up together and if not if we both find great people to be with (but i hope it's Zach xD) Well I think that's about it I lay down in like a half an hour and i gotta pee so yep that's all btw i really appreciate anyone who reads this and even if not at least there's someone I share all my feelings with when no one else will talk to me if I were to say this to most people they'd just say yeah or oh or something like that lol it's alright tho at least I have a soapbox somewhere ;)
                                                                                                                                   ♥ Cassidy ♥

Hmm... :'(

So my life isn't so great right now or say my love life isn't altho my family life isn't too much better. For starters I have a bit of a cold so that doesn't feel good at all. Tonight I was forced to really take a look at Zach and what's happening with us. It took me yesterday and today to put together the fact that him moving to North Carolina has actually made it so I'm not number one priority in his life and he is still the number one in mine. What really sucks for me is that I'm not even number two i think im anywhere from 10 and up.:( I just dont know what to do I wanna cry I think this guy could be my future and everything and it's just getting so hard idk how to do this. I'm thinking should I just say he moved he dont want you and you're just being pitied when he talks to you and if thats true to be honest I could feel like the dumbest person on the planet. He told me he's felt like I dont fit into his life since my last boyfriend but we only dated for five days i just idk i feel like i can never move him down from being a number one priority and it sucks because like i said I think in his life my number is like ten and on. I just I wanna know how to either fix it so I can be a number one or move him down cuz i just idk it doesn't seem like it's gonna work anymore hes changing so much :'(. He got 2 tattoos, he's prolly closer with his brother than me, hell idk he's probably back to being nice to his ex. I just idk i had this perfect plan. i would move out there when i graduate and then we'd be back together and he'd just idk be like waiting for me. Thats not very nice of me to want him to just pause his life and want me but i feel like my life is on resume and i can't stop thinking about how much i wanna be there with him. I just feel like when he sees me im just gonna be that girl he used to date and he'll be so changed he wont want me anymore and i can't shake this feeling that hes going to find someone else. I mean I want him to because I wanna see if he can get attached to someone like he did to me but it'll just sting a lot because my feelings are so strong for him. I would text him but idk me and him texting works about as well as us talking on the phone anymore. I love him so much I just feel like he doesnt feel a need to have me in his life anymore so idk what to do it just really hurts and I'm gonna stop typing now so i can stop crying i just wanted to get it all out there....thanks for listening haha... :'(
                                                                                ♥ Cassidy ♥

So it's been a while and thing have definitely changed about me including school family and even with my bestie Zach ha. His mom is going to see him on the 17th this month in North Carolina so thats good I'm happy for them. I really am because she should get to see him before me and catch up with him before me and yah it's all cool i'm fine with it.Because i get to see him at Thanksgiving even though she will get to then too but still its awesome! :) Anyways enough of that happiness. Im a senior! Thats right me! I've done it I've made it through 3 yrs of high school and I'm working on the final one I'm so proud of me haha I've survived that long I've had a few times when that bad thought entered my head but I made it to this day and I'm not dead so so far so good. Thats actually an event that I wanted to write about so I can get it outof my system. It happened between me and my brother about a few weeks ago. It started when the dirty hobo, Lucy (Black cocker Spaniel, Pepper) snuck into my brother's room while he was eating which I guess he don't like but anyways he yelled that Lucy was eating his noodles well these were broccoli noodles so I still think to this day that he gave them to Lucy and then wudnt own up to it. So I took him on I accused him of giving them to him because he didn't like them and he didnt even defend himself he just got his mad look on his face backed my into the wall made a fist and pounded into the wall right next to my head then left the room and as he did he said the worst thing in my opinion. I would never say it to him and I'm so sensitive to people saying it I just immediately entered shock. He said "wow i really wish you would just go jump off a cliff" I took this as maybe it was my time to go because no one had ever said anything before about me dying and he did right then and there so immediately i knew i couldn't do anything drastic so i started thinking and then i had it i knew how to get rid of me. I was going to take a handfull of pills and so i went downstairs to find some. I couldn't find any I could just hear my brothers echoing inside my head and it just wouldnt stop. The next thing my mom came downstairs and asked what i was doing i said "its my time to go and no one can stop it its decided" she said she wudnt stand for it and she was gonna call the cops so I told her to do what she had to do. She didn't call the cops she came over to me and I couldn't hear what she was saying just something about she wanted me to look at her and i couldnt cuz i just didnt want to. This wasnt my mom for that instant she was a woman who took the side of someone who said he didnt care if i lived or died and she didn't see that as wrong. I just kept hearing my brother echo inside my head and it wudnt go away then i got this moment where i couldn't breathe and i collapsed into the wall and slumped down with my head in my knees. Mom wudnt stand for this she pulled my chin up and told me this wasn't me this was my sister that she would do this kind of thing. This made me think and you know what? She was right I was doing exactly what Yvonne would do if she didn't have anyone on her side so i just turned it off and it went away i didn't even have to try. For an instance in that time I did feel as though a demon was living inside me and I couldn't defeat it. All it was was my sister though and I'm fine. The worst part of it to me is that my brother could even say that to me I just could never say that kind of thing to him without joking. My mom thinks I forgave him and were fine lucky for me I make a convincing actress. I don't see me and my brother ever being close again lucky for me the only person or persons who will ever know is whoever reads this post right here. Youll keep it a secret tho right ;)
                                                                                                                              ♥ Cassidy ♥

UGHHH 4 REAL!!!!

I really HATE my moms "husband". How I hate that title I would take it away from him if I could he doesn't deserve it he's the dumbest person alive and he doesn't even like my brother and me so, he doesnt deserve my mom... Ok so why I'm so pissed is that his high school reunion thingy is on a day that I might work so he says if I work they won't be anywhere to be found like wtf can you be any more cocky?? All he is doing is going to impress his old high school buddies and doing so show off my mom on his arm like a freaking grand prize which I think is dumb but she's fine with it. Then again she's not the brightest crayon in the box I mean she did marry my dad who was 30 yrs older than her and she was only 20 (One of the dumbest ways to waste your life I believe). Anyways, as if it couldn't get any worse....it does. Not only am I not supposed to work that friday but also the saturday too...it's their anniversary awwhhh so sweet!!! (bleh barf...) Like wtf?! why did they even have me get a job to call in during the summer and they want me to ask for time off when it has nothing to do with me as to why I'm not going to work. Well buddy 2 words for ya, "SUCK IT" I ain't asking for those days off and if they want me to be off or just not take me then I told them they are going to have to call and tell whoever is manager that day(s) and tell them why I'm not coming to work cause I ain't about to lie when it's not in my benefit...I'm just so mad I would do anything for him to not be in our lives and I'll just say it's a good thing I don't play with knives because I wouldn't even think twice about cutting him he's dumb and I just don't like him in my life. The best thing in my life isn't mine anymore. My love, Zach,, were friends now kinda, he's working on forgiving me for something but I hate it I wish we were still together but not anymore he likes it better there than with me...I believe it just means I'm not good enough so I'm not sure what to do. I guess we just have to be friends but it sucks not gonna lie! I love him soooo much so it's hard especially since we don't talk much but it's ok I just keep moving each new day missing him and trying to work on starting up and goin for the day. There's my best friends, Hannah, Cameron, and Shilo, but idk I'm not too close with any of them besides Shilo (the rest just talk to me when they want something then it's done). Shilo texts me pretty much every day but I  gotta start picking up the slack b/c she doesn't know to text me everytime and a friendship isnt just one way there should be effort from both sides otherwise it's messed up. This helped a little bit thank god I was sooo tense at the beginning of this but now I feel calmer and not so mad but I stand by everything I said it's all true. I like writing out my feelings it's better than keeping it all bottled up inside :). The thing that bothers me the most about Gregg and mom's announcement is that I thought they were saying take the days off to make time for Adventureland and going to the zoo which were both promised for this month and I feel like everytime they make a promise lately they just break it and it sucks. I get my heart set on something and then I want it and it doesn't come when I expect it. When I attach my heart to something or someone for that matter, it really hurts to be let down and be told it's actually not going to happen :(. It's ok though I will survive and keep moving slightly bruised in the ego area and the heart....
                                                                                                         ♥ Cassidy ♥

GREAT DAY!! :)

So its 7:08 and Zach was here an hour ago isnt that awesome? He spent even just a few hours with me today. He said he's going to be doing that everyday just a little for any time we can get while he's sick until he feels better :). I cant wait till he feels better we had a great time and got everything and anything we had on the inside out in the open. :)He told me everything that went wrong for him in Logan and we apologized and we're all better. He is probably sleeping now. I talked to him around 5/6 and he sounded a lot better but I could be wrong it was on the phone so I'm not sure. But I have big hopes that he's getting better :). I'll love it when he gets better because that will bring our kisses back. When I was watching One Life to Live a few minutes ago I saw this really happy couple kiss and it reminded me how great our kisses are :). When we kiss I feel like I get lifted right off the ground and I'm just floating in a sea of happiness and I love it. That's one thing I'm missing because he's sick but I do respect him as he doesn't want to get me sick and that's why he wont let me kiss him :). He's so perfect for me and everyday I just feel us grow closer even if we have spats when we makeup we take like 5 steps forward :). I have the best boyfriend a girl could ever ask for at least I know he's perfect for me. 
                                                                                                     ♥Cassidy♥

Its Coming

Kudos to me for almost wrecking myself! Yah my fasting lasted like maybe 12 hours but then Zach told me that it can make me sick not to eat so I fixed Doritos and have been eating since. :) Even though I've been eating regularly my stomache it in knots as Zach's going away day creeps closer every day and its sad yesterday it was 13 days and today it is 12 :(. I'm going to miss him so much and this cold of his has come at the worst time I wanted to spend every second of time with him before he boards his plane but right now I'll be lucky if I get to see him 10 days out of the 12. One of those 10 days if that's right is VERY SPECIAL. Its Zach's BDAY!! :) Hes turning 18! I'm taking him out to dinner and then when we get home he gets to sit on the loveseat and be blown away :). I'm getting him a GREAT present and it came to me this morning after saying I'd prolly get him a useless and whatever else I said this morning haha it was 7 in the morning and give me a hell yah if ur tired that early in the morning also. I know I was though shoot my lazy ass stayed in till 11:45 then I woke up and started planning his present right away. :) I think he's going to love it :) Almost as much as I love him but not quite as much xD. He's the perfect guy for me I can see us together all the way up to the rocking on the rocking swing set at night as old farts :). Not everything can be perfect though there has to be some spats right? Well yesterday we didn't really have one but there was a bit of a distance between us at his Grandmother's house in Logan I went to the backyard as soon as he started John Deere mowing if you know what I mean if not go to Google and look it up I ain't here to explain stuff to you. I'm here to talk about me. I liked it in the backyard just feeling the wind whip my hair because a part of me thought he was trying to not be around me which I did find out later that it wasn't me he was trying to avoid. Phew! But I do admit I liked the wind blowing on my face and just letting me think. I called mom and shes an idiot she told me to go out where he was and take the mower. Yahhhh she's not the brightest crayon in the 64 pack but hey neither am I. Mostly all my friends have asked if I'm hiding my natural blonde hair somewhere. :/ I can't help but be dumb sometimes though because I just am that way. Sometimes I wonder if I'm special ed and if the teachers just don't put me in it because I have a little potential to be smart. Idk though who knows really besides the teachers who make the decisions. After she told me to do that though I said never mind and just hung up I didn't need her smartness. I did get along with someone better in Logan tho actually 2 people :). I felt dumb for coming tho after I saw how much pain Zach put him himself through. It was so bad he didn't even wanna talk the car ride home. I thought that was it and it was done there was gonna be just sadness in the night but then something spectacular happened I offered him the medicine I'd promised him. When I brought it out to him there was a light in his eyes and he said thank you Babydoll =) that stayed with me all of last night. It made me see why I really love him because through all that pain he still managed to find a smile and his warm soothing voice for ME :) I'm so in love with him and I really do wish him the best recovery possible because I know he's in a lot of pain but thats why he's my man he can always fight through and come back 100% maybe even just before his trip but as long as he feels better I will be a happy happy camper. =D. With him gone though I do have a few things changing for me on TV Pretty Little Liars (Have you seen it? Go see it! Forget that Jersey Shore,,,,watch PLL its better !!! ) returns this Tuesday!,, Also the day I get paid!! Oh yahhhhh mulahhhhh :p. Gonna be awesome this time it is spent on everyone besides me itll be soooo funnnnn !!!! :)  Guess that's all for now treasure your loved ones close and remember watch PLL Tuesdays on ABC Family with me This summer :)...                                                                                                                             ♥Cassidy♥

Something New

        Well its June 8th, and today marks the first day of my no more eating. I like food don't get me wrong but my boyfriend told me that I eat a lot so in order to prove him wrong I'm going to not eat again then he will have to see that I don't eat a lot. Of course I have to keep this hidden because he told me that if I did this he would in fact break up with me and I don't want that so he's not going to be in on this plan. It's kind of scary but hey maybe I'll even like it. It'll not only be scary but tough too. See my mom makes dinner every night and I love her for it but I'm probably going to have to send what she gives me down the toilet. It's nothing personal with her I just want to prove him wrong. I love my boyfriend so much he's like my everything  but he wants to go and leave me here while he goes to North Carolina as he's homesick. I feel bad for him but I feel like the time he spends out there is subtracted away from our time. He's scheduled to leave on the day after his birthday or a few days after. I'm going to miss him sooooo much but he said he's going to bring webcam and we can chat over that and he will text me so I believe it will be ok :). I'll just miss him a lot. He has a free flight voucher and that's how he will get there I just hope he doesn't adore it so much he doesn't want to leave. He has to come back though because he promised. He's good at not breaking promises but he has started lying to me 2x now idk why. I mustve done something wrong though. I hope he stops it really hurts me but at least now ik how he felt when I lied to him. :/ I just miss the way we were when we first started no controlling no lying just being us trying to impress each other. U cant stay in honeymoon mode forever though... :/ It just sucks for me that it can't because now it gets for real and that for us could mean a month apart not even in the same zip code :/ Oh well thats all for now I'm gonna go drink some water cuz I'm feeling hungry...                                                                                                    ♥Cassidy♥

UGHHHH

So its been a while, I have a boyfriend now his name is Zach and he's annoying me soooo much right now. He made it seem like I didn't wanna talk to him which couldn't b farther from the truth. Whys he so ughhhhhhful?? It's so annoying I wish that he could just like get over it for real. It's all my fault though. Awww he just made a list as to why the fight was all his fault :).i started it 2 i fought u 3 i argued 4 i wouldnt listen 5 its our 3 month this shouldnt happen 6 we should be happy but i didnt let it happen 7 i caused it 8 i kept it going 9 this fight was stupid 10i love you. He's so sweet I could never do any better than him forget all the other guys I've had in my life, he beats them all like rock beats a pair of scissors I'm so lucky to have him :)
and I'd never wanna lose him                                                      ♥Cassidy♥